I mean, this IS fake, clearly. And I'm not falling for it.
Because it's fake! And I'd sure feel stupid if I acted like someone was actually making this! That would be stupid if I thought that!
Cuz it's so fake! They're winding us up, they are! But I'm not falling for it, because no one would actually do this!
Funny people, making us laugh! Yep! Probably!
I am here at Disney World and Universal Studios. Without my family. It is for my job.
If you are a man in his 30s without his kids at a theme park do not bother to ask at the entrance if they rent out other kids because they will not do that and that is all there is to it.
I'm also staying at "Universal Studios". It's neat. And it has the fake facade of a real Hollywood studio, which is where they have the real facades of real places where they make pretend real things that are fake. And yesterday, I was at Disney's real version of a fake Hollywood Studio, which is a facsimile of the fake real facade at Universal which imitates the real facade of the real place where they make pretend-real fake things.
I'm at a Christian Music Event.
We were backstage, behind the real facade of the actual stage at the fake place that imitates the real place of pretend-real stuff, and Toby "Mac" was there, too, and he played us some of his new music, which is "the bomb" and he also introduced us all to Chris Tomlin, who's a nice little guy who wrote a very pretty new Christmas song. And Jon Foreman, too, who's a nice little guy who writes other songs came out and said some things about Victor Frankl and the holocaust.
I had a veggie-burger last night. And some fries. Fries cost $43, but dollars are just imaginary really because this kingdom is magic.
Yesterday, the Universal people drove me to their radio studio in the early morning to host a show and I made them stop the van because I felt kinda car-sick and everybody got out in this really neat little fake "Main Street" area with park benches and lamp posts and stuff and I bent over and threw up twice and it was empty at that hour so the noise echoed.
There's a fake full-sized airplane in my swimming pool.
This guy down here, this guy in this article, shouldn't be doing this. It's against the law.
...and it's pretty cool.
But that is NOT to say he should be doing it. The law's the law.
But it IS pretty cool.
But that doesn't make it okay.
But it's pretty awesome. But just because it's pretty awesome doesn't make it right. There's the law to consider, you know. I hope he's arrested.
But I might post his bail money.
But that doesn't make it right.
But, you know, it's pretty cool. That's all I'm saying.*
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* -- Except to say, he really shouldn't be doing that.**
** -- But it's actually pretty cool.
This being 2002 and all, we've got "texting" set up for our radio show. "Texting" is when people use their phones, and, in mere minutes, are able to send a message that otherwise, in normal conversation, may have required seconds.
We added "texting" to allow our listeners to connect with us, heart-to-heart. We need to share, to create interactive relationship, to identify with and relate to our listeners, and allow them to speak into our lives.
And here's how you add texting, based entirely on my real-life experience:
1) Discuss adding texting in meeting
2) Four years later -- wham! -- add texting
3) Investigate options for interface providers
4) Experiment with various providers
5) Decide on texting provider, work out details of contract
6) Attend various tutorials, on-line, to learn interface of texting provider
7) Excitedly discuss possible tweaks to interface over course of several months
8) Finalize interface
9) Receive short code, keyword "Brant", project folder, and password
10) Revisit interface, propose new tweaks
11) Finalize interface again
12) Hold meeting to discuss finalization of interface, discuss going on-air with it!
13) Make big announcement on air, with fanfare! You can TEXT us now! Just text us at 66937, keyword BRANT!
14) Receive very first successful text! "I hate you."
I was on the air, talking about how hard it is for people, it seems, to find places to get married. It's expensive to use church buildings these days -- even for people who've been "members" for years.
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Caller: Well, I'm on staff at our church, and there's a good reason we charge $500 for people to use the building for a wedding.
Me: That's what the church charges members who've actually paid for the building over the years?
Caller: Yes. It's really expensive to run the power and clean up and everything.
Me: Of course it is. So if the pastor wants to have a "Let's Celebrate Our Grads!" night in the sanctuary, do you have to pay $500?
Caller: Well, no, because that would be an official church function.
Me: Okay, I'm just curious: Joining members of your church in holy matrimony in front of witnesses and God isn't an official thing?
Caller: No, that's an extra thing.
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Next caller: I draw up the wedding policy at our church. I thought I'd call. I'd be happy to answer any questions.
Me: Okay...I was just wondering -- I mean, it came up: Do you charge your own people to use the building for a wedding?
Caller: Yes. You need to understand, it costs a LOT to run the power, the lights, the maintenance of a building. It's very expensive.
Me: Yeah, I'm sure that's true. So, like, if your youth pastor schedules an event in there, like a lock-in or something, does he pay for it...?
Caller: No. (laughing)
Me: Okay...help me understand...
Caller: Youth ministry is part of the church.
Me: Okay. That's cool. But a wedding ceremony isn't? Even if the people are members for years, and helped pay for the building, and the pastor's been there two months...?
Caller: It's because it's youth ministry.
Me: You know, that's cool, but I'm not even sure that youth ministry is mentioned in the Bible. And weddings have a --
Caller: Yeah, but it's an extra thing. People have to pay for that.
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Next caller: I can speak for our church. If we DIDN'T charge, we'd have people lined up, wanting to use the place every Saturday for years.
Me: But if they're people who are members, and paid for the building, and it's theirs, too, shouldn't it be free and celebrated and --
Caller: It would be too crazy if you just let people do that.
Me: But if they paid for it to start with --
Caller: You have to charge a fee to discourage people from using it.
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Next caller: I'm in charge of our sound and lights ministry, and it's a big church, and it's a big hassle to have to go in there and do a wedding.
Me: Sure, I understand. If they don't want sound, though, could they just schedule --
Caller: I don't think so. It wouldn't be an official church event.
Me: I don't entirely get that.
Caller: It's for official church stuff.
Me: But they're part of the official church...?
Caller: Yes.
Me: But their stuff isn't official church stuff.
Caller: Yes, that's correct.
Me: Okay! Thanks.
Caller: No problem.
Me: Okee-doke. Here's a song from Jeremy Camp...
So this one church in Port St. Lucie is advertising, and says, "Our ministries are second to none."
THAT is pretty awesome.
I say that, because if you think about it, there have been some pretty fair ministries out there. This church has reason to be proud, with that kind of ranking. They don't elaborate on the rest of the best, but here's my opinion, and if I missed any, let me know:
Top Ministries List
1. This church in Port St. Lucie, Florida
2. Jesus of Nazareth's ministry to Jews and Gentiles in first century Palestine
3. Saul of Tarsus -- aka Paul's -- church-planting/healing ministry in Mediterranean region, first century
4. Saddleback
5. Missionaries of Charity ministry to poor of Calcutta, founded by Mother Teresa, 1950-present
6. This oft-awarded Christian Clown website (including the "Balloon Award for Excellance")
7. St. Patrick's ministry, 5th century, in what is now Ireland
9. John the Baptist's ministry, first-century Palestine
10. Martin Luther King, Jr's ministry as 20th century pastor and civil rights activist
10. WhiteHeart
11. John Wesley's ministry in England and colonial America, 18th century
12. Letters from Kamp Krusty
13. Hudson Taylor's ministry to China, 19th and early 20h centuries
14. Billy Graham's ministry as revivalist in 20th and 21st century U.S.
15. Gerbert
For most people, "Christian radio" isn't on the radar. And, for most people who read this blog, "Christian radio" has an approval rating right up there with, say, polio.
But it's what I do, and I'm thankful for that. I get to annoy, cajole, prod, anger, and -- mostly -- confuse people on a daily basis. Best of all, I'm talking to a lot of Good Churchgoing Folk, so I get to talk about the Kingdom of God to an unreached people group.
I've also been a mainstream talk radio host, and could compare and contrast the two audiences, and maybe will someday, if you care. Meantime, let's just say I do love the people who listen to Christian radio. I know them. I didn't just grow up with them, I grew up one of them. They are my people.
MLK said you can't change that which you do not first love, and that works for me, because I love them, and yes, I've got an agenda for them. I'm not trying to single-handedly "reach out", via mass-media, to a hip, postmod culture. I'm trying to convince people who claim to be the church to actually be the church. Trust me, if that happens, you'll think to yourself, what a wonderful world.
Anyway, our show is pretty dang honest. It's not smooth. I don't talk with my "radio voice". It's like the Muppet Show, where you're pretty sure they're trying hard to do a "show", but the intrigue is the fumbling backstage.
I talk about my struggles with depression, the time I just got busted for stealing (not joking) and my own self-esteem issues and why I find Good Christians so frustrating sometimes. I'm not the only one doing this in Christian radio, and it's not heroic, but it's something. Why am I allowed to do this? I belong to an organization that really wants to accomplish the same things.
I'm not alone on the show. My producer, Nikki, expertly plays Pam Beasley to my mix of Michael Scott-Dwight Schrute. We don't do many artist interviews, and our goal, beyond making people consider following Jesus, is to leave people slack-jawed confused. (Hence, today's "acoustic weather forecast", wherein Nikki delivers the weather, annoyed, over my enthusiastic, live, acoustic guitar folk stylings.) If we leave half the audience saying, "Wha--?" -- mission accomplished.
So here's the news (this is called "burying the lede" in the biz): Our show will be syndicated, starting in July, on 50 or so stations. Technically, we'll be "coast-to-coast", since we're reaching Portland from South Florida, but mostly, it'll be concentrated in the Southeast, in cities like Tallahassee, Louisville, Charleston, and Nashville.
So, in July, listen, if you like. You may hate it. You may hate me. But mark my words: You WILL hate my accordion.
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