Letters from Kamp Krusty

Just Months Remaining to Put Finishing Touches on Our Theocracy!

Well, here we are, fellow Christian soldiers!

  Just nine months or so left to finish the BPFEBC (Big Project to Force Everyone to Become Christians).

It's no wonder there's been so much concern about our nefarious aims, so many books sold, so many hyper-concerned bloggers, so much "THEOCRACY!" alarm.  They caught on to us early, but we marched ahead, and our continuing dream of yet another Christian theocracy on the planet is nearly complete!  (Increasing the current total of...)

Yes, George W. Bush has led the way, of course, with his rabid United Methodism.  Sadly, while many on the left openly worried that he would attempt to usher in the Second Coming of Christ through initiating Armageddon, he hasn't followed through on this yet.  But we still have several months left. 

We can still get this done, friends!  Don't worry:  It can still be the end of the world.

We've pushed many bills to sentence women for having abortions (there almost aren't any abortions anymore, if you don't count the million-plus per year) and we've cheered the White House's executive order to imprison all homosexuals.

Even better:  Overt, senseless displays of sexuality have been completely erased from our culture.  Pornography is gone.  We've returned television to its puritan roots, especially Bravo, per our collective plan, handed to us by the late Jerry Falwell, from whom we all took orders.

If you're like me, you don't miss a gathering of the secretive Take Over America Network secret neighborhood secret meetings of secrecy.  And you get excited, hearing about renewed efforts to spy on our neighbors, and make sure no one's gambling or drinking alcohol.  You thrill to stories of big victories, like when that bill passed to force everyone to go to church.

Still, there's work to be done.  There remain a few books we haven't burned.  And there's word some us continue to read them.  There remain a couple children who haven't pledged allegiance to our Holy Scriptures, even under pain of imprisonment.  And, obvously, there are still a few women and minorities to suppress at all costs.  That's what we do, but we need to improve.

Our enemies' suspicions are well-founded.  They've caught on.  But they cannot undo the damage we inflicted -- unprecedented stuff! -- like when John Ashcroft had an optional Bible study in his office.   It sent them a chill, and for good reason.  Our next step:  MANDATORY Bible studies in John Ashcroft's office, wherever it is now, for EVERYONE.

We've reversed centuries of elastic interpretation of "marriage" and tried to make it for a man and a woman.  No wonder people say they now can't recognize this country anymore! 

We remain solidly in lock-step, none of us questioning the invasion of Iraq, no one criticizing the President's profligate spending, just lining up our uneducated, easily-led selves to do his bidding.   We all appreciate Mr. Bush's "evangelical zeal", as he continues to use every speech to call everyone to repentance and holiness. 

Our enemies' nightmares have come true, and our diabolical, anti-constitutional work is almost complete!  Furthermore, Mwah-ha-ha-ha!

Let's Hear It for Average Joes!

I was at this big Christian event yesterday, a 5K race.  It was really neat!

There was this guy named Joe who was running with his family!  He's from Peoria!

Anyway, Joe from Peoria must have felt real welcome-like, because people went waaay out of their way to say hi and stuff!  Just a middle-aged Joe, super-nice guy from Peoria!  People really, really, loved on him!  It was neat!  I liked Joe, too!  Great guy!

You know how some things you go to, and there's the "important people", and then the others?  It was cool that at this Christian event, because some Joe from Peoria could be treated like he was important, too!  He must've felt like a real star, too!

In a celebrity culture, it was a reminder to me to celebrate everybody!  I thought that was neat!    We're different!* 

---------------

* -- Incidentally, Joe from Peoria has a new job!

** -- Joe told me his favorite artist on my radio station is Casting Crowns!

Looking for the Right Guy

I'm in this hotel room, with this awesome plasma screen.  And I'm watching the news.  And I'm realizing what I'd forgotten:  Politics is eveything.  All-consuming.  Everything MUST relate to politics, and -- naturally - to the presidential race. 

Everything. 

Always.

So I'm looking for a candidate.  The right one.  I've made a checklist:

Must have executive experience

Must have successful private-sector experience

Must have a presidential temperament

Must believe he can, after he dies, become God of his very own planet

Must have willingness to work hard for the American people

Must believe Native Americans were cursed with red skin because of their sins

Must work well with congressional leaders

Must aspire to celestial heaven located next to, obviously, the star Kolob

Must believe Jesus and Satan are brothers

Must have some cool underwear with freemasonry symbols and stuff

Must believe single guys will eventually die and become, at best, angels with custodial-type tasks, not gods, because they didn't get married

Must at least highly suspect there are human beings living on other planets.  Not just life on other planets -- actual humans

Must believe his wife will eternally -- literally, for all eternity -- be getting pregnant and giving birth to millions of spirit-children, thanks to his celestially virile self

Must refuse to answer questions about personal beliefs, deferring quickly to church leaders of the church that believes itself the only church, and that all other churches are of the Devil

It'd be cool if he was kinda tall

So anyway, I'm looking, if you know anybody.

Big News, Getting Bigger

36% of all purchases at Walgreen's are diabetes-related. 

Diabetes now costs Americans $132 billion per year.  2,700 people are now diagnosed with diabetes per day.

In unrelated, breaking scandal news, a radio-preacher-dude smokes a pipe.  I'm shocked and disturbed, because I could never keep one lit.

This Just Brings it Home. Thank You.

Dear Guys Who Keep Designing "Discipleship Wheels",

Thanks for your work.  I really didn't have a handle on what Jesus was talking about until you, armed with a 486, artfully explained it all in an easy-to-grasp graphic.

Jesus said his "yoke" -- His system of teachings -- was "light", but, as we've all suspected, He was just joshing.  It really IS hard to get this whole thing boiled down, this love-God-and-love-your-neighbor thing.  Not so fast, Jesus!  We've got lists and charts!

It's neat to have a checklist, too, so we can see how we're doin'.  For starters:  Pray every day, read the Bible every day, attend worship regularly, be involved in a Small Group, tithe 10% to the local church, evangelize, go on the short-term missions trips, mentor other believers, and "plug in" to an official church ministry (the nursery could use some help, people.) 

Then, move on to higher levels:  Be an unpaid deacon or elder, then perhaps evolve to become a Fashioner of Still More Discipleship Wheels, wheels that spawn other wheels, and so forth.*  Imagine it, folks:  If every wheel can reach just one other wheel, we'd need to double the parking.

Again, thanks for the graphics.  It's good to know, when we wonder, "What does following Jesus really look like?"

Well, it looks kinda like Parcheesi.

It's neat to see, too, how being a disciple is, above all, going to really get us involved in our church's products, programs, and services!  And we can know, when we can check stuff off on our religious checklist, we're in good standing with God.  Whew!

Discipleship is very, very complex, but here's one thing we can sure count on:  We're sure gonna be busy!!! 

# # #

* -- Tip: When you make Blurry Discipleship Wheels, it just underscores our dependence on our Daily Quiet Times in order to "see clearly".  Nice touch, guy who did this!

But Some Good Things Happen!

This church does a lot of good, because it gave a lot of money -- $3 million! -- to "charitable causes and evangelism" last year!*

Pretty awesome!**

* -- Out of total gross revenues of $34 million "tithed" to run the place.  But overhead can be kind of expensive.  In this case, that overhead includes a salary that allows The Pastor multiple homes in Florida, a lease on his plane, his "ministry tool" -- a Porsche -- and $1.9 million in loans for himself.  Plus, neat expensive clothes because it helps him "preach better."  Still, $3 million can do a lot of good, out of the $34 million given the church.

** -- If you don't think about it.

Well, Excuse Us, Neighbors

Open Letter to Palm Beach Village Leaders:

Regarding your concern that getting a Starbucks would lead to "t-shirted coffee drinkers, slopping down the avenue":

I understand your concern.  As a t-shirted coffee drinker, I confess:  I enjoy a good slop down an avenue, many of them yours.  Sometimes, after a long day at work, I savor slopping from South County road, past the church, and then I'll slop to the right, down Worth Ave.

Sometimes, my family will visit for a quick slop down Ocean Drive before hitting your Goodwill Boutique store.  I also understand your concern about adding wi-fi.  That will attract roving bands of ne'er-do-well, rapscallion, t-shirted, scamp-ish "people" with grooming issues.  I agree.

Still, I don't think we do it without a certain amount of expected class and sophistication.  Personally, I like to slop down the avenue with a higher-end drink, like a lite vanilla frap with whipped cream.  It's class, all the way.  It's not like having me enjoy my drink on your street lowers your property values. 

Sheesh,

Brant

Probably a Bad Sign

I got up late last night, came downstairs, and Jim Cantore was eating out of my refrigerator.

I hate this stuff.  And don't think I miss the obvious:  This is about the Hansens.  Palm Beach County didn't get hit for 25 years, the we move here, and we're in the EYE of the hurricane three times in the span of a year. 

The Weather Channel people are all atwitter, which means we're about to get blasted again.  It's back to the "Here's your local forecast on the 8's..." thing with the light jazz, while they show a satellite image of buzz-sawing monster storm bearing down on your life.  Scooby-do-be-dop-do, you're doing to die, do-do-bop-doo-scooby-bop... all that again.

We get to find all the hardware, and put up the ol' panel shutters!  It's kind of fun, really.  You can make a game out of it.  First person to cuss wins.

Then, a new game kicks in post-hurricane.  It's called "Where's My Ice?" and it's played by everyone over 60, who is suddenly, incomprehensibly, in an immediate panic about ice.  Last year, it was 65 degrees, and people were complaining about FEMA within two hours.  Where's my ice?  Gripey-long lines formed at FEMA stations the next day, people honking, complaining, waiting to get ice -- right next to the calm grocery store lots, where ice was 79 cents a bag.

It's certainly a comment on the ubiquity of the Weather Channel down here that we used to say "We're now in the cone of probability, a Hurricane Watch has been issued for South Florida."  Now, we just say, "Crap:  Jim's getting his head shined up." 

We Saw This Commercial the Other Night for Some New Oscar Mayer Hot Dogs

We saw this commercial the other night for some new Oscar Mayer hot dogs.  They're new, and loaded with new feature!

You see, they come already in a bun.  It's a nice feature, and the commercial drives home that it's for the modern parent who doesn't have time for the tiresome, old-school approach.

I appreciate this, because this isn't the 1950's.  We parents don't have the kind of time it takes to fix a quality hot dog meal for the kids, what with all that picking up the hot dogs, placing them in buns, and on and on and and on and on and on and so forth ad nauseum.  Whew.

This is perfect for those breezy, laid-back, summer days.  You know the type --  when you can't summon the energy to move your limbs.

And, newfound time!  Time, formerly wasted with bun-putting.  I plan to pursue that second career, learn another language, volunteer in my community, and join a fourth fantasy football league.

I'm Not Totally Comfortable With This Yet

I'm kinda scared to go to France.

I'm just not...comfortable...with some things, culturally.  I don't know.  I just feel like, sometimes, I don't understand.

I'm not going to judge a culture, or push my morality off on anyone, certainly.  I'm just saying I was watching this soccer game, and...I don't know.  Like I say, I can't judge.  I wasn't raised in France, and I haven't walked a kilometre in their cleats.

Granted, I don't, generally, tend to attack people's sterna with my skull.  But, before we accuse and condemn, think about it:  Who among us, really, hasn't head-butted someone in the sternum during a World Cup final?  So let's hold our fire.

It's a classic case of a clash of cultures.  But I will grow.  I will seek to understand, to learn.