Letters from Kamp Krusty

Krusty Spillage...30 Minutes of Free Association, with Links

No time to write...must instead try Larry King style...

This truly captures the courageous Tiger Woods story...I'd equate socialism with compassion if it actually worked...My advice:  Never join a church that, if they have a paid "the pastor" office, seriously wouldn't hire a homeless, penniless guy to do it...

If this is true, I can promise I will never die...

Paul said any command you come up with can be summed up with "love one another", but people don't buy it, because we prefer unending complexity...Your Bluetooth does not make you look cool...I'm in a neighborhood garage band called "The Re-Uptake Inhibitors"...

I don't understand small talk, and never have, and I can't do it very well at all, and it's embarrassing...We'll always have the poor, but the American church could single-handedly wipe out "poverty as we know it", but we have other priorities...We watched "Bella" last week, and it's really good, but they yap too much, and they should have thrown in some explosions, at least in the background or something...

I own a for-real, professional-grade slide whistle, and it's sitting on my desk right now...We need critics of the religious right who aren't sell-outs to the political left...This toaster RULES:  The "Moaster"...I came up with a new exercise plan, where I work-out for much shorter periods of time, but in brief sprint-intervals...It saves time...It also doesn't work...

I'm creeped out by clowns, and so is everybody, but I'm also creeped out by those mustache-guys with big bow ties and hats that rode around on those bicycles with one giant wheel and one tiny one...I'm excited that Danica Patrick has, once again, proven that women, too, can drive fast, and who knew?...Affluence makes people less interesting, plain and simple...There were ELEVEN empty urinals in this airport bathroom the other day and some guy walked in and used the one right next to me...

Daniel Radosh, a secular Jew, writing for the NYTimes, has a list of "Ten Great Christian Songs", and includes Kamp Krusty faves the 77's, Over the Rhine, and Andy Hunter, so he's smack-on...I hate golf, but had to play in a tournament, so I borrowed my friend's precious clubs, then accidentally destroyed his $300 driver...

The reason the media went overboard with Tim Russert coverage:  It wasn't about him, it's about their own mortality...Indiana basketball is going to be hilariously bad this fall...I just finished Dostoeyevski's Crime and Punishment and you know what?  It was downright okay...

I say "What in tarnation?" a lot, and I'm not sure what I'm saying, and I sometimes think 30% of my vocabulary is borrowed from Yosemite Sam...Pacifism can be profoundly unloving...I also say, "Egad!", which, I think, is from Unca Scrooge...I was on the treadmill the other day, looked up at the TV, and Oprah was talking to a guy who's like, six months pregnant...

My friend Paul is in a "Christian 'Call of Duty 4' League" online, where they snipe each other in the head and fire grenades at each other...At least he was in the league, until he got kicked out for saying, "That weapon is gay..." ...I can't believe how good God is to me.  Honestly -- it's unbelievable...

Traffic is forgiveness practice...I'm embarrassed that I have hair on my fingers, and ironically, may be asked to do an endorsement for a laser-hair-removal place.  But I'm going to leave the hair on my fingers, because I don't want my endorsements to say, "Wow, I feel GREAT after getting all that HAIR off my FINGERS..." ...I bowled a 206 the other day, and I can't see straight.  It's all about foot placement...

I found a hat the other day in Key West that actually fit my dumb head.  I should have bought it...The difference between capitalism and Marxism:  "In capitalism, man exploits man, but in Marxism, it's the other way around."... If "What About Bob" isn't funny to you, we can love each other, but we probably aren't going to be friends...Evangelical guys in their mid-40s through 60s have ALL the answers, man...

I have a Chinese friend with a ping-pong table in his ample living room.  Do not challenge a Chinese man to a match on his own ping-pong table...I'm -- frankly -- kinda scared about my radio show going national here in a week or so...Gas prices would not be "the issue" if we'd put more thought into zoning.  I'm always bugged by the anti-human urban "planning" we've embraced...THE best way, as you know, to enjoy fortune cookies:  Whatever it says, insert the words, "...in bed." at the end...

When "First Things" arrives in my mailbox, my heart skips a beat...I can't believe I wrote about finger-hair up there...If a blog-writer were a person who enjoyed a cold beer every so often, he might be tempted to write here that "Bud Light Lime" is surprisingly good, maybe as good as Landshark, hypothetically speaking...I wish I had more time to blog.  I'd probably produce better stuff than this.  You deserve a purple heart if you finished this...

And the Winner for "Bset Inentinvoni Eevr" is...

Local Blogger Joins Movement to Ignore Blog

Jupiter, FL -- A local blogger has been ignoring his own blog.

"I was offended by the entry with the poop joke," says Brant Hansen, of Jupiter.  "I guess I was just like, 'What happened to the edifying stuff?' and I was just kind of offended."

Hansen says he decided to join with a world-wide movement, centered around ignoring his blog.

"If six billion people are doing the same thing, you figure they're on to something," he says.  "It's cool how the global reach of the internet allows, for the first time, people from so many different backgrounds -- rich, poor, European, African, Asian, young, old -- the chance to ignore the same exact blog, simultaneously."

Nevertheless, Hansen has things to say, and says he'll get back to writing, pronto.  But ignoring his blog has freed up his recent schedule, he says, allowing him time for exciting new pursuits, which, lately, have included inexplicable weight gain, not cleaning the garage, and "just generally being kinda drowsy."

Point/Counterpoint: Let's Play on the Tile!

Yes

Let's Play!  Let's Play!  Play on the Tile!  Yea!

by Arwen "Arfy" Hansen, Chihuahua/Terrier mix

-----

Let's PLAY!  Yeah!  Arf!  Grrr!  Let's go!  Yeah yeah yeah!  Arf!  Let's nip and growl and PLAY and nip and run and wrestle!  Yeah!  Arf!  Let's play! I'm jumping, too!  Nudge-growl! 

I just nipped your heels!  Yeah!  Grrrrr!  I'm running circles around you!  Arf!  Arf!  See?!  Fun!  Let's zip around!  Nip!  Nip!  Nip!

Arf! Arf!  Nip!  Grrr...let's run in circles!  Nudge-play!

Arf!

C'mon! 

Arf!

No

I'm Missing a Leg.

by Nigel T. Hansen, Three-Legged Beagle/Something Else Mix

-----

I'm missing a leg. 

I can't play on the tile.  I can't brace myself.  I'm.  Missing.  A.  Leg.  Perchance you've noticed?

Perhaps, rather vividly, you'll recall, I've slid into the cabinets when you've playfully bounded into me.  Perhaps you'll recall that.  But -- and I'm speaking frankly here -- it's doubtful.  Sadly, you've not shown a propensity for information-synthesis, nor for trend-analysis

I can't run on the tile.  You see:  I can't stop.  I can't sit on the tile.  I'm missing a leg.  I'm not getting it back.  I don't know where it is.

In sum:  I cannot "rough-house" with you on the tile.  Instead, I will continue to ignore you and look plaintively at my owners, beckoning pity.  That is my plan, as I am missing a leg.

Perhaps you've noticed that.

Grace in Action

Pastor Parker of Bible-based Grace Gospel Church comments on my book review:

I could care less, whether you "post" this on your sorry site, or not.  You are an arrogant ignoramus, "approving" two others (Barna and Viol).  Of course, your warm endorsement of Viol shows up on his blog.  What shameless sluttery is this!  It never ceases to amaze me, how one ignoramus (yourself) endorses two others (Barna and Viol), and "presto!"; instant legitimacy!  I think in your "heart of hearts" you know what a joke you are, and that your "Imprimatur" of these two anti-Christs impresses no one credible.

God have mercy on you!

Pastor James Parker

Grace Gospel Church (Calgary)

Preach it, bro!  No biggie, but one correction:  One of the anti-Christs is misspelled:  "Viola" has an "a". 

Thanks for the input from Grace Church!

"Rose Bowl" Football Game Was Neat

My alma mater competed recently in a "Rose Bowl" football game!  It was neat!  ("Bowl" games are like normal college football games, except they're played in "bowl"-type stadiums, just like normal college football games!)

I identify myself with the "Fighting Illini", based in Champaign-Urbana, Illinois, where I don't live, which features players drawn almost entirely from Washington, D.C.  The coach is from Ohio!  So we're all Americans!

Last night, a rival team from another university scored a LOT more football points!  I booed this, heartily!

Fortunately, since universities remain, ostensibly, educational institutions, there is another score to consider!  The University of Illinois' libary contains more than 10 MILLION BOOKS!  The University of Southern California has FOUR million!   That's a pretty big spread!

Football points favored USC by 32.

Final Cumulative Score: Illinois wins by 5,999,968!  Oskee-wow-wow!

I made a little goalpost out of card-catalog cards and tore it down.

Christmas Shoppers: Urine Luck

Sometimes, with my friend Doug, I'm all like, "Hey, Doug, I need a kidney plush toy." and he's all like, "Okay."

And then I'm all like, "Yeah, but what about, like, a t-shirt, that, you know, celebrates my pancreas?" and he's all like "Okay" and then we have some chips.

Thank You, My Fellow Messed-Up People

For those who struggle with depression, or whatever mental malady, please read the comments in the last thread.  They are very helpful;  far more helpful than what I originally wrote, I think.  They are like fresh water to me.

Marie asked a great question, right off the bat:

What do you think about the idea that it is ok to be angry, to not relax much, to not be able to nap, to be impatient?  ...is it normal for us to be happy and relaxed all the time?  Maybe some of the struggle you have is because you are feeling cheated of a happy, well-adjusted "normal" when that's not really normal?  ...maybe it is ok to be sad. Maybe it would be inappropriate to be all well-adjusted and contented all the time. There is a lot of sin in this world (ours and others'). Shouldn't it bother us?

I think pain, foolishness, oppression, injustice -- it should bother us.  Makes sense.  Still does, Prozac (now Cymbalta, for me!) and all.

What doesn't make sense has been my own sense of failure.  It doesn't square with reality.  It does, however, make sense, in light of the way I grew up.  I'm not going to get into details, but while talking to a counselor last week (first time ever) it took him a half-hour to say, "Of course you're going to struggle with that, given what you've been through.  Of course."

Before, I couldn't sit and watch my kids play without thinking, "I've blown it.  I should have done X, or Y, and then they could have had a nicer house and I should've taken that job years ago and..."  Not for a moment could I just relax. 

After, I sat next to our neighborhood pool, and watched my daughter sit on the pavers in the sun with her little friends, under the waving palms.  I just sat and watched my beautiful little girl.  Just sat and watched her.  And I thought about how sweet she was, what a simple privilege it was to be, at her request, "Rubber Duck-Themed Game Leader" and I didn't think about me...at all.

God, I don't want to go back to before.

Fact is, my brain put itself in a groove, early on, and I'll be danged if I can will myself out of it.  The counselor says the drug gives me that chance.  For a split-second, I can think, "Does this really matter?", and most of the time?  It just doesn't.  Not, "My brain is tricked into thinking I shouldn't be angry at myself," but I'm given a shot at reality:  I shouldn't be angry at myself.  It's okay.  Deep breath.

As for making me a "better moral person", he disagreed.  He allowed only that it gives me a chance to do so.  What I choose remains up to me.  Makes sense.  But man, it's easier now.  I love -- finally! -- having been able to pour myself into others, without focusing on the me-meister. 

Please bear in mind, regarding the concern that the drugs can make us inordinately happy:  I've been taking these pills for a year now.  If anyone has noticed, in this blog, a tendency toward slappy-happiness during the year, please let me know.   The counselor says I likely grew up hyper-vigilant (my mom says that makes sense, too) and the drugs may be helping me, for the very first time, to be myself. 

The counselor said he, himself, has been taking meds for eight years to help him with chronic anger, something handed down to him from his dad.  I asked him how he dealt with that as a Christian:  How did he think God viewed it?

He said -- mostly jokingly -- that maybe he'd have to sit among burning haystacks for eternity.  But...he was simply not going to put his family through it anymore.  That simple.  "They don't deserve it, and my wife couldn't be happier now."

Fellow losers, God uses us.  He uses the weak, the messed-up, the openly failed.

I'm so embarrassed to talk about this stuff.  But I talked about it the other day, at the gym, with a Jewish friend who works there.  He knows I'm a believer.  I talk to him about it.  We get along, but he's never too comfortable with me.  He asked "How you doin?" and leaned on the treadmill.  I told him how I was honestly doing, pills and all.  Look at me:  Christian boy.  Messed-up.  Something clicked.

We talked for a half-hour, and he invited me over to play guitar.