I was a full-time "youth minister" for about four years. I remember some good times, sure, but I also remember that every time we left the church building, we were beaten senseless. All of us -- students, sponsors, interns, meddling parents -- everyone.
If I only had this. (Thanks, Mike C., for the link.)
In retrospect, rather than watch my entire youth group being repeatedly attacked every time we left the building, I should have put my hands on my head and started swinging my elbows around. But hindsight is always 20/20.
The youth minister in the video with the dreads nails it: You do not know what's going to happen to you when you venture outside the four walls of the church. It's CRAZY out there.
I programmed a lot of programs, and each time we left the building, we were all, without exception, given a beat-down. To this day, when someone says, "Polaroid Scavenger Hunt", I shudder, and am haunted by those...those pictures.
There's a reason we did a lot of lock-ins, folks.
Like the guy says, noting the oft-quoted scripture, "Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you have to get stomped on." I wish I would've thought about that. And he says you have to take responsibility for your flock.
People are brutal out there. Wow. I learned that lesson in a hard, albeit acrobatically-spectacular way, during our big "ChinaTown Outreach '97".
Be careful when you leave the four walls of church. Maybe just don't.
No time to write...must instead try Larry King style...
This truly captures the courageous Tiger Woods story...I'd equate socialism with compassion if it actually worked...My advice: Never join a church that, if they have a paid "the pastor" office, seriously wouldn't hire a homeless, penniless guy to do it...
If this is true, I can promise I will never die...
Paul said any command you come up with can be summed up with "love one another", but people don't buy it, because we prefer unending complexity...Your Bluetooth does not make you look cool...I'm in a neighborhood garage band called "The Re-Uptake Inhibitors"...
I don't understand small talk, and never have, and I can't do it very well at all, and it's embarrassing...We'll always have the poor, but the American church could single-handedly wipe out "poverty as we know it", but we have other priorities...We watched "Bella" last week, and it's really good, but they yap too much, and they should have thrown in some explosions, at least in the background or something...
I own a for-real, professional-grade slide whistle, and it's sitting on my desk right now...We need critics of the religious right who aren't sell-outs to the political left...This toaster RULES: The "Moaster"...I came up with a new exercise plan, where I work-out for much shorter periods of time, but in brief sprint-intervals...It saves time...It also doesn't work...
I'm creeped out by clowns, and so is everybody, but I'm also creeped out by those mustache-guys with big bow ties and hats that rode around on those bicycles with one giant wheel and one tiny one...I'm excited that Danica Patrick has, once again, proven that women, too, can drive fast, and who knew?...Affluence makes people less interesting, plain and simple...There were ELEVEN empty urinals in this airport bathroom the other day and some guy walked in and used the one right next to me...
Daniel Radosh, a secular Jew, writing for the NYTimes, has a list of "Ten Great Christian Songs", and includes Kamp Krusty faves the 77's, Over the Rhine, and Andy Hunter, so he's smack-on...I hate golf, but had to play in a tournament, so I borrowed my friend's precious clubs, then accidentally destroyed his $300 driver...
The reason the media went overboard with Tim Russert coverage: It wasn't about him, it's about their own mortality...Indiana basketball is going to be hilariously bad this fall...I just finished Dostoeyevski's Crime and Punishment and you know what? It was downright okay...
I say "What in tarnation?" a lot, and I'm not sure what I'm saying, and I sometimes think 30% of my vocabulary is borrowed from Yosemite Sam...Pacifism can be profoundly unloving...I also say, "Egad!", which, I think, is from Unca Scrooge...I was on the treadmill the other day, looked up at the TV, and Oprah was talking to a guy who's like, six months pregnant...
My friend Paul is in a "Christian 'Call of Duty 4' League" online, where they snipe each other in the head and fire grenades at each other...At least he was in the league, until he got kicked out for saying, "That weapon is gay..." ...I can't believe how good God is to me. Honestly -- it's unbelievable...
Traffic is forgiveness practice...I'm embarrassed that I have hair on my fingers, and ironically, may be asked to do an endorsement for a laser-hair-removal place. But I'm going to leave the hair on my fingers, because I don't want my endorsements to say, "Wow, I feel GREAT after getting all that HAIR off my FINGERS..." ...I bowled a 206 the other day, and I can't see straight. It's all about foot placement...
I found a hat the other day in Key West that actually fit my dumb head. I should have bought it...The difference between capitalism and Marxism: "In capitalism, man exploits man, but in Marxism, it's the other way around."... If "What About Bob" isn't funny to you, we can love each other, but we probably aren't going to be friends...Evangelical guys in their mid-40s through 60s have ALL the answers, man...
I have a Chinese friend with a ping-pong table in his ample living room. Do not challenge a Chinese man to a match on his own ping-pong table...I'm -- frankly -- kinda scared about my radio show going national here in a week or so...Gas prices would not be "the issue" if we'd put more thought into zoning. I'm always bugged by the anti-human urban "planning" we've embraced...THE best way, as you know, to enjoy fortune cookies: Whatever it says, insert the words, "...in bed." at the end...
When "First Things" arrives in my mailbox, my heart skips a beat...I can't believe I wrote about finger-hair up there...If a blog-writer were a person who enjoyed a cold beer every so often, he might be tempted to write here that "Bud Light Lime" is surprisingly good, maybe as good as Landshark, hypothetically speaking...I wish I had more time to blog. I'd probably produce better stuff than this. You deserve a purple heart if you finished this...
Jupiter, FL -- A local blogger has been ignoring his own blog.
"I was offended by the entry with the poop joke," says Brant Hansen, of Jupiter. "I guess I was just like, 'What happened to the edifying stuff?' and I was just kind of offended."
Hansen says he decided to join with a world-wide movement, centered around ignoring his blog.
"If six billion people are doing the same thing, you figure they're on to something," he says. "It's cool how the global reach of the internet allows, for the first time, people from so many different backgrounds -- rich, poor, European, African, Asian, young, old -- the chance to ignore the same exact blog, simultaneously."
Nevertheless, Hansen has things to say, and says he'll get back to writing, pronto. But ignoring his blog has freed up his recent schedule, he says, allowing him time for exciting new pursuits, which, lately, have included inexplicable weight gain, not cleaning the garage, and "just generally being kinda drowsy."
Let's PLAY! Yeah! Arf! Grrr! Let's go! Yeah yeah yeah! Arf! Let's nip and growl and PLAY and nip and run and wrestle! Yeah! Arf! Let's play! I'm jumping, too! Nudge-growl!
I just nipped your heels! Yeah! Grrrrr! I'm running circles around you! Arf! Arf! See?! Fun! Let's zip around! Nip! Nip! Nip!
Arf! Arf! Nip! Grrr...let's run in circles! Nudge-play!
I'm Missing a Leg.
by Nigel T. Hansen, Three-Legged Beagle/Something Else Mix
I'm missing a leg.
I can't play on the tile. I can't brace myself. I'm. Missing. A. Leg. Perchance you've noticed?
Perhaps, rather vividly, you'll recall, I've slid into the cabinets when you've playfully bounded into me. Perhaps you'll recall that. But -- and I'm speaking frankly here -- it's doubtful. Sadly, you've not shown a propensity for information-synthesis, nor for trend-analysis
I can't run on the tile. You see: I can't stop. I can't sit on the tile. I'm missing a leg. I'm not getting it back. I don't know where it is.
In sum: I cannot "rough-house" with you on the tile. Instead, I will continue to ignore you and look plaintively at my owners, beckoning pity. That is my plan, as I am missing a leg.
Pastor Parker of Bible-based Grace Gospel Church comments on my book review:
I could care less, whether you "post" this on your sorry site, or not. You are an arrogant ignoramus, "approving" two others (Barna and Viol). Of course, your warm endorsement of Viol shows up on his blog. What shameless sluttery is this! It never ceases to amaze me, how one ignoramus (yourself) endorses two others (Barna and Viol), and "presto!"; instant legitimacy! I think in your "heart of hearts" you know what a joke you are, and that your "Imprimatur" of these two anti-Christs impresses no one credible.
God have mercy on you!
Pastor James Parker
Grace Gospel Church (Calgary)
Preach it, bro! No biggie, but one correction: One of the anti-Christs is misspelled: "Viola" has an "a".
My alma mater competed recently in a "Rose Bowl" football game! It was neat! ("Bowl" games are like normal college football games, except they're played in "bowl"-type stadiums, just like normal college football games!)
I identify myself with the "Fighting Illini", based in Champaign-Urbana, Illinois, where I don't live, which features players drawn almost entirely from Washington, D.C. The coach is from Ohio! So we're all Americans!
Last night, a rival team from another university scored a LOT more football points! I booed this, heartily!
Fortunately, since universities remain, ostensibly, educational institutions, there is another score to consider! The University of Illinois' libary contains more than 10 MILLION BOOKS! The University of Southern California has FOUR million! That's a pretty big spread!
Football points favored USC by 32.
Final Cumulative Score: Illinois wins by 5,999,968! Oskee-wow-wow!
I made a little goalpost out of card-catalog cards and tore it down.
Because there's nothing more fun than forcing people to look at your own photo albums, here's an online version.
I can't force you to look at it. I can't even force myself to think you'd want to. But here it is.
Oh, the places you'll go!