Maybe I'm a hypocrite. But off the top of my head, here's stuff we'd be better off without as a culture, even if I may not personally swear off it. Or something. You know what I'm saying:
1. Automobiles
2. Television
3. The New York Times
4. Wal-Mart
5. Beer
6. Big-time, billion-dollar "college" athletics
7. Corn subsidies and corn syrup
8. The Dallas Cowboys
9. Long Arm Religious Gorillas. Except the light blue one. And the green one. The green one kind of speaks to me.
10. Disney World
Please: Take time today, quietly, and think.
Try to block out the hustle-bustle of modern life.
Be settled. Be silent. And consider this:
1) You are, once again, placed in an arena the size of an NBA court.
2) You have no weapons.
3) You are sprayed down with female deer scent.
4) It's mating season.
How many bucks could you fight off? How long would you survive?
A friend of mine -- a wise, older brother, spiritually, and a deer hunter -- after quiet consideration, turned to me, looked up, tear in eye, and said -- and I'll never, ever forget this: "Zero".
He also shared with me, "About 20 seconds."
I appreciated his vulnerability. But what say you, friend?
Question:
How many 5 year-olds could you fight off, before you were knocked out?
Please, consider.
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Doug asked it of me yesterday. I debated it at length last night at our church dinner gathering, and then again at lunch today.
Stipulations:
1) The walled arena is the size of an NBA basketball court.
2) The kids get one day of training from a martial artist
3) No holds barred; they're allowed to bite.
4) You start in the middle. Kids are randomly dispersed to begin, and represent cross section of demos, shapes, and sizes.
I say 25-30, tops. Shawn, former Army rugby player, says "hundreds". Ragin' Cajun Mike Bourque says, "unlimited", which is patently absurd, in my opinion. I think you'd get tired, get kicked, double over, and eventually get knocked out.
They can kick really hard. I know this for to be a fact.
Please, offer your well-considered opinions. This is a safe place; there are no wrong answers here, besides Mike Bourque's.
I'm clearly powerfully ministering to these children in Africa. But what are they saying to each other?
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CONTEST FAQ:
Is it okay to mock Brant?
Absolutely.
Is it okay to work in somehow invoke Shaun Groves?
Not necessary. But bonus points.
Best caption idea nets some kind of awesome prize!*
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* -- If someone donates an awesome prize.
Look, you'll either get this, and think it's funny, or you won't.
If you don't: No problem. You probably had a happy childhood. We can still be friends and stuff.
If you do: I love you. You are my people, and I am yours. Your childhood was not so easy, but that's okay, because we now have each other. We are BFF, regardless of your free will.
The irony is, I've never -- ever -- laughed at a "Garfield" strip. But now there's a whole community of "de-Garfers", doing a worthy work: They simply remove everything Garfield "says". All his thought balloons are deleted, and remarkably, the strips become priceless.
The rhythm is pitch-perfect. And rhythm, unlike a surprise punch line, is always funny. That's why the caveman commercials are worth watching over and over and over.
Anyway, like I say, you may think it's stupid. But my whole family and I can just stare at all of them and laugh, and laugh, and laugh. We've got some problems.
a
a
a
I want to write a cookbook. But not fancy stuff no one makes.
I want it to be of stuff I actually eat. Stuff I eat, and actually like. Stuff I eat, and when someone sees me eating it, they reconsider their relationship with me. That kinda stuff.
The following are my diet staples. I admit to idiosyncratic tendencies with regard to pretty much everything, including food. But I bet I'm not alone. Please add your own freak recipes for a compilation project. Just remember: It's got to be stuff you actually eat. (I've listed a few from radio listeners.)
And, I've included serving tips. Enjoy!
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Cold Broccoli Slaw Pita Sandwiches
Get some broccoli slaw. Get some pitas. Burn the pitas in the toaster. Put cold broccoli slaw into them. Enjoy!
Ice
Put water in tray-things. Place in freezer. Let freeze. Pull out, serve, and munch! Enjoy!
Toast
Burn 8-12 pieces in a toaster. Do not use butter. Enjoy!
Wheat Thins and Grape Magic
While eating a Wheat Thin, place a cold green grape in your mouth. Eat them together. It tastes EXACTLY like apple pie. No one knows why. It just does. It will freak you out. Don't question it. Just enjoy!
Croutons
Remove croutons from crouton box-thing. Perfect for family reunions, mornings on the way to work, after school, at the game -- enjoy!
Shredded-Chicken-in-a-Ziploc-Bag
When busy at desk, reach into lunchbox, pull out shredded chicken for sandwich-making, but don't make a sandwich! Too much work! Eat the bun first, then eat the chicken straight out of the bag! Don't use your fingers -- too messy! Just set bag of chicken on desk, and lower head to eat directly out of it, trough-style! Enjoy!
Two-Step, No-Cook Ramen
Open ramen package. You're too busy to cook it. Takes too long. So just eat the dry noodles, and then rip open "spice packet". Poor "spice" directly into mouth. Enjoy!
Matzoh-Meal
Open package of matzoh bread. For well-balanced lunch, eat entire contents, wash down with glass of lukewarm water. Enjoy!
Rice with Chocolate Bar (Serena)
Cook "just normal" rice. While it's cooking, put a chocolate bar in it. Enjoy!*
* -- My producer Nikki says this is gross...yet she then admits she likes Krackel Bars. Huh.
Spinach-n-Juice (Robert's wife, he says)
Eat spinach directly out of can. Then tip can back and drink the juice. Enjoy!
Three Musketeers Beverage (Robert, now saying a "friend" does this)
Boil some water with a Three Musketeers bar. Makes one (1) serving of hot cocoa! Enjoy!
Pet Cookie-Flavor Cookies (Phil)
Go to PetSmart. Purchase cookies for dog. Admire cookies. Eat them all yourself. Enjoy!
I'm getting to leave for "vacation" tomorrow! "Vacation" is when we leave the beaches and palm trees of tropical South Florida and go to central Illinois!
I just made this "Save Your Cat!" maze! Just click on it and play! Give yourself a 20 second time limit! A fire truck is bearing down on your cat, and you've got 20 seconds to save it -- that's it! Any more than that -- too late!
It adds drama! I LIKE drama! I made this for my son, Justice, whom I miss, who's already in Illinois!
Have fun, boy!
Justice was a Monty Python fan by age eight! It's weird how these things happen!
Dear Business-Loan-Person-at-Some-Bank or Whatever;
I hope to secure financing for a new venture. I believe the time is now. It will be a showplace.
There will be a frightening band -- an assortment of gigantic animatronic animals. A horrifying gorilla will play keyboards. A disfigured mouse, dressed in a green cheerleader costume, will stand beside him.
There will be a character named "Uncle Klunk", who advises children to "Don't smoke Crayolas!" No one will understand what he's talking about.
There will be one (1) animatronic dog in a space suit. I will also feature a "bird", with only its head visible, sticking out of -- obviously -- an oil drum.
The showplace will dispense "pizza", but filth will be the order of the day. The pizza-like substance will slathered with factory-farmed hog byproducts. Children will be given pitchers -- buckets, really -- of corn syrup, then dispatched to slobber-filled game rooms.
Lights will be dimmed to inhibit squalor assessment.
Any existing lights will be blinking. There will be unending beeping and buzzing.
To further disorientation for adults, a disco ball will be used. There will be zero (0) air circulation.
"Skee-Ball" will be played, in exchange for "tickets", redeemable for plastic spider rings at the rate of 1,000,000 (one million) tickets per spider ring. Nicer prizes will be displayed, but will remain unattainable.
The customer's only discernible hope for human connection, the only apparent presence of responsibility, our lone "employee" in the building, will be crammed into a sweaty Rat costume.
The Rat will symbolize us.
Reality itself will be thrown into question. Young patrons will grow up and become disaffected, searching, "post-moderns". Inexplicably, they will attempt to smoke Crayolas.
Thank you for funding this business plan,
Brant Hansen
If I were marketing a food, I would not choose a mascot that was that food.
This is my opinion. It is my opinion because of my quirks. One quirk is not wanting to snack on self-conscious beings. "Twinkie the Kid" is a good example. Hostess has unwittingly presented me with a dilemma I'd rather not confront.
He's clearly a "self", a Twinkie-in-full, engaging in autonomous decision-making, and -- I think we can presume this -- even engaged in a career arc. Twinkie the Kid uses his lasso to rustle up other twinkies. He smiles. He makes fashion choices. He even engages in questionable moral behavior. (As a winner of the evolutionary lottery for arms and legs, does he now have license to "round up" other, armless Twinkies? Also problematic: One cannot choose boots, but remain pantless. I've learned this the hard way.)
Consider, as well, the "M&M Guys". Clearly capable of friendship, they truly seek to know, and to be truly known. They demonstrate loyalty, and a brotherly "phileo" love, and possibly eros. They are alive, sentient, and other-centered. All this, and the Mars Company merely assures me they will not melt in my hands.
I struggle mightily with this. Briefly. Their taste pleases me.
If I were marketing a food, I would not choose a mascot that was that food. I would design a talking, bipedal rabbit that desperately wants that food, but is -- for reasons we cannot fathom -- not permitted to eat it.
Dear Hollister Clothing Company,
First, a happy New Year to you and yours!
Second: I walked in one of your stores for the first time the other day! I'm pretty sure your clothes are awesome and stuff, but I had a problem:
I couldn't see anything.
I was wondering if I could buy you guys some lights. I bumped into a couple tables.
Hollister, I was going to tell you about my college roommate Jeff who used to have this blind ferret, and it would navigate by always brushing against the perimeter of the room. I was going to tell you about that because I hadn't thought about that ferret for awhile. But I thought about that ferret when I was at your store.
Anyway, I felt some clothes in there, but I didn't buy anything. It was too dark.
I tried to guess what the clothes looked like from your advertising pictures. In front of the store, you had a big picture of a guy with no clothes on, so that didn't help that much.
I found the above picture, but I think the guy is mad about your shirt.
I'm probably not your target demographic. I play the accordion.
Sincerely,
Brant P. Hansen
P.S. -- I had this friend, Tom, who earnestly said, "You know, I go to the mall, and they've got the music thumping, and the store people are all cool and stuff, and it's like this awesome party, and then I get home -- and it's just a shirt."
P.P.S. --
Hollister need help
darkness enshrouds your products
can't see anything
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