Hansen Inexplicably Promoted; Radio Industry Apparently in Final Throes

Dj_picFor most people, "Christian radio" isn't on the radar.  And, for most people who read this blog, "Christian radio" has an approval rating right up there with, say, polio.

But it's what I do, and I'm thankful for that.  I get to annoy, cajole, prod, anger, and -- mostly -- confuse people on a daily basis.  Best of all, I'm talking to a lot of Good Churchgoing Folk, so I get to talk about the Kingdom of God to an unreached people group.

I've also been a mainstream talk radio host, and could compare and contrast the two audiences, and maybe will someday, if you care.  Meantime, let's just say I do love the people who listen to Christian radio.  I know them.  I didn't just grow up with them, I grew up one of them.  They are my people.

MLK said you can't change that which you do not first love, and that works for me, because I love them, and yes, I've got an agenda for them.  I'm not trying to single-handedly "reach out", via mass-media, to a hip, postmod culture.  I'm trying to convince people who claim to be the church to actually be the church.  Trust me, if that happens, you'll think to yourself, what a wonderful world.

Anyway, our show is pretty dang honest.  It's not smooth.  I don't talk with my "radio voice".  It's like the Muppet Show, where you're pretty sure they're trying hard to do a "show", but the intrigue is the fumbling backstage. 

I talk about my struggles with depression, the time I just got busted for stealing (not joking) and my own self-esteem issues and why I find Good Christians so frustrating sometimes.  I'm not the only one doing this in Christian radio, and it's not heroic, but it's something.  Why am I allowed to do this?  I belong to an organization that really wants to accomplish the same things.

I'm not alone on the show.  My producer, Nikki, expertly plays Pam Beasley to my mix of Michael Scott-Dwight Schrute.  We don't do many artist interviews, and our goal, beyond making people consider following Jesus, is to leave people slack-jawed confused.  (Hence, today's "acoustic weather forecast", wherein Nikki delivers the weather, annoyed, over my enthusiastic, live, acoustic guitar folk stylings.)  If we leave half the audience saying, "Wha--?" -- mission accomplished.

So here's the news (this is called "burying the lede" in the biz):  Our show will be syndicated, starting in July, on 50 or so stations.  Technically, we'll be "coast-to-coast", since we're reaching Portland from South Florida, but mostly, it'll be concentrated in the Southeast, in cities like Tallahassee, Louisville, Charleston, and Nashville.

So, in July, listen, if you like.  You may hate it.  You may hate me.  But mark my words:  You WILL hate my accordion.

C.R. Chicks Has Some Really Good Chicken

Rotisserie_chickenMy friend went to "C.R. Chicks" to eat some chicken.  It's a little place where they have rotisserie chicken, and it's pretty good, I think.  That's my opinion.

He ran into a person he used to go to church with.  She asked, "Hey -- haven't seen you for awhile.  What're you up to?"  He'd actually stopped going there a year and a half ago.  He told her he found some friends who really loved him, and he's really growing and stuff, and no, he doesn't go to that church anymore, but it's all cool.

She loudly began praying for the "spirit of rebellion" to come out of him.  My friend says he didn't really feel anything happen after that, but he finished his chicken there at C.R. Chicks.   

C.R. Chicks also has meat loaf sandwiches which are pretty good. 

Excuse Me While My Brain is Being Re-Booted at Random Intervals

Brantbrainmap_3

FAQ #1,421:  Brant, does your brain currently feel like it's been zapped by a series of electric shocks?

A:  Why yes, actually. 

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I'm "tapering" off a drug.  "Tapering" is pleasingly clinical term for "Brace yourself, chump."  "Tapering" means I can't turn around without getting seasick, and it feels like my brain is attached to jumper cables.  Zap. 

I've written about my little problem before, and a drug I hoped would help...?  It isn't.  I hoped it would give me energy.  It instead gave me a rare superpower:  I am now NapMan.  I can't NOT take a nap.  And it doesn't ever help.  I'm still sleepy.  I'm not sure, yet, how to fight crime with this superpower.

It's also given me the ability to quickly gain weight, but I see that there are plenty of other SuperHeroes with this power.  At Wal-Mart.

"My" "doctor" asked me how it was going.  I told him the medication was at least helping with my anger toward myself, which I've always had, and I appreciated that.  That was too deep for him, so he referred my to a psychiatrist.

I didn't want to go to a psychiatrist.  I have no faith in the psychiatric community, putting it mildly.   I imagined it had devolved from dispensing Freudian silliness to simply dispensing drugs.  But I went.  Perhaps I'd be surprised. 

I walked in to a tiny waiting room.  The coffee table was completely covered by stand-up drug literature boxes, each one asking a question.  "ADD/ADHD?"  "Trouble sleeping?"  "Sexual problems?"  "Bi-Polar?" -- there wasn't a spare inch on the table.

They called me in.  The lady doctor asked me a quick checklist of questions.  I think she looked at me once.  She asked, "Issues in childhood?"  I said, "Well, yeah, I mean I...yeah..."  Okay.  She checked that.  Then she said I should try Lexapro.

I told her fluoxetine was cheaper.  She said, okay, sure, and wrote a prescription, told me to taper off the old stuff, and I left.

In the Cubicle Next Door

PicforblogthingwithcomputerEach Sunday morning, Kumar sits in a folding chair, waiting for the rock band to start up, and the preacher to give a seeker-sensitve sermon.  The chairs are partly filled, in a school gymnasium, just outside Washington, D.C.

He's a small man, from Chennai, India, and here, in the rows for the audience, he's part of someone's Big Vision.  Like many others, the church start-up has a visionary, who hopes it becomes the next Willow Creek, even hoping to buy 40 acres in suburban D.C.  (Anyone got a half-bil for that?)

And Kumar, who's 36, drives each day to his office job at Sun Microsystems, where he spends a lot of time checking urgent email from very far away.

Friday night, I walked with Kumar, and our mutual friend, Woody, to a crowded Whole Foods Market in Alexandria.  I made a salad about four times bigger than his, but when we got back to the hotel room, it took him a couple hours to finish.  I kept asking questions.  He kept answering.

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Kumar was on a crowded bus in Chennai, India.  He heard God's voice.  "Unmistakably," he says.  I heard God say, twice, 'Seek Me.'  That was it.  Twice." 

Just "Seek Me"?

"Just 'Seek Me'.  And I knew it was God, but which God?  I was Hindu.  Was it Vishnu?  Calli...?  No idea.  I just knew it was God.  Somehow, I knew it.  Unmistakable."

And Kumar isn't the gullible type.  He has multiple advanced degrees in Aero Engineering and Physics, for starters, from the M.I.T.-equivalent in India.

He studied and researched, but just wasn't satisfied that it was one of his familiar gods, and eventually found a friend with a Bible -- a "good luck charm" -- and traded a textbook for it.  He started reading, got confused, but eventually was pointed to Jesus.

He became a Jesus-follower.  Costly decision.

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His parents weren't happy.  They scheduled an arranged marriage.  Kumar met his wife-to-be on Friday, told her and his parents on Saturday about his Jesus decision, and got married on Sunday.  "They thought it would blow over," he says.  It didn't.

Six months later, there was an intervention.  Her family, his family, neighbors, friends -- 150 people strong -- all telling him to repudiate his faith.  He refused.  His parents, fearing for their reputation, said he should leave the area immediately.  They would tell everyone that he was dead.

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Kumar took a job in the states.  He drove to a big church building.  "I didn't know what else to do," he says.  "Nice cars everywhere.  I liked that."

He walked in, and was taken aback.  "It was a fancy church, and everyone was a black person, and they were quite animated.  They were walking on their chairs around the room.  I was confused, but they were happy.

"They had a testimony time, and I like microphones, so I got up and told them, 'I am so happy about Jesus!  I do not want a Mercedes or a BMW!  I want to go back to India to tell people about Jesus!'  Everyone applauded me!  I was the center of attention!  But I had just lied!  I did not want to go back.  Actually, I did want to be rich.  I did want a Mercedes."

But some brothers took him to a room and prayed with him, that his return to India would happen.  "I did not want to go back to India..."

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A few years later, he went back to India.  Kumar took his vacation from Sun, and headed over with no plan.  He just went door-to-door, and told people about Jesus.

The first day, 45 people decided to become Jesus-followers.  How'd THAT happen?

"I don't know.  I just went door to door, and neighbors would introduce me to others, and I was amazed."

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Kumar still takes his vacations, two weeks a year, and heads to India.  But things have grown.  From those first 45, and from his trips over the past seven years...

More than 100,000 conversions.  139 communities.  More than 100 pastors.  Model orphanages for children suffering from AIDS  Schools for Dalit children, the lowest-of-the-low in India.  Shelters for little girls, now rescued from prostitution.  Food.  Medicine.  Jesus.

They want to name projects after Kumar.  He does not allow them.  He spends hours every day, after work, praying and communicating and wondering what the next move is.  He doesn't raise financial support.  Not his style.

"God always provides.  Children are dying in a project, because all we have is rice for them, and not much.  Woody gave us some money for a down-payment on four acres with hundreds of coconut trees, and then several families who know us each called me, unaware of what we were doing.  'God woke us up last night, and we can't get you off our mind.  Here's five thousand dollars...here's a thousand dollars...we got the forty-thousand we needed to buy the land.  I am always amazed."

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"Kumar...I don't get it.  We made a quantum leap in your story.  45 people decide to follow Jesus, and now more than 100 thousand.  Wha...?  How...?"

We sit at our table in our hotel room, and Kumar starts laughing.  I laugh, too! -- and then, I realize, he's not laughing.  He's crying, and he can't speak. 

"So many have died..."

Who has died?

"So many of our pastors, so many of our people..."

I look at Woody, who knows the stories, and he bites his lip and nods.

"They are beaten to death, they are killed, because they are talking about Jesus.  It happens all the time in India, but the country is very concerned about image, very concerned about foreign investment, they pretend it doesn't happen.

"They are the reason this growth has happened.  Their blood.  I ask God, 'Why do you let this happen to these people who love you?'  They have nothing.  Our pastors are not paid.  There is no money.  But I realized, God is releasing them, at last.  They have nothing, they are beaten, they are hungry, they live on the ground, in the streets, and God finally releases them to go home."

Pause.  And I can't talk, either.

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Woody, who met Kumar at that seeker-sensitive church in suburban D.C., says I should let Kumar eat his salad.  He's right.   It's getting late.

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If you're reading this on a weekday, Kumar is sitting in a little room at Sun and doing his job, and answering far-flung emails while he prays.  And on Sundays, he sits on a folding chair in a high school gym, and hears about the church's big plans.  It will be costly, but just think what could happen, with a new building!

He admits he wonders sometimes...

"They have now added us to their missions budget.  They give $1,000 per year.   I guess I am happy for that, but..."  and his voice trails.

But...the church has other priorities, and a Big Vision for an another affluent suburb that, need we remind, needs Jesus, too.

The Good News, According to Jesus

Thishereisamustardtree_3So I'm a radio host, and I get asked to speak in churches and Christian schools and stuff -- often just once -- and I like to ask this question:  What was the "good news", according to Jesus?  Jesus sent people out to share the good news.  C'mon, what was it?

No one knows.  Like...ever.  We're talkin' Christian schools with Bible classes, Bible Churches, Bible Churches of the Bible with Biblical Bible-Studying Bible Groups, even Bible college grads.  Nobody knows.

Well, truthfully, once, when I asked it on-air, one caller finally knew -- an older man, with a Haitian accent.  "The Kingdom is here!" he said.

I've discussed this here, too, and I've gotten many questions about it.  When Scott (listener and also Kamp reader) asked, "So, what's the Kingdom?  What is that? -- I thought I'd post my response here. 

Insert usual disclaimers:  This is too brief.  And I'm no theologian.  I'm a guy who shoves his glasses up his nose. 

-------

Hey Scott...

Great question, and it can be answered a few different ways, none of which may be satisfactory.

First, the Kingdom of God is anywhere God is in control.  It's where His rule and reign is expanding, where He's the King.  In this way, the Kingdom expands as more hearts are turned toward Him, when we obey the greatest commandment, to love God with everything we have, and our neighbor as ourselves.

This means, as well, that the things God wants for the world -- restoration, healing, redemption, the first last and last first -- are happening.  People who are Kingdom people will pray, like Jesus did, for His Kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven.  The rule and reign of God is GREAT news for the world:  restored relationships, things set right, justice, mercy for the oppressed, a new way of living.

How good is this Kingdom message?  It was THE "Good News" (the "Gospel") according to Jesus Himself in Mark 1!  The Kingdom is HERE, now!  God is setting things right, through His people!  He has not abandoned us!

To the Jews of Jesus' day, the coming of the Kingdom meant specific things. They would be set free from oppression from, say, the Romans, for instance.  But it's also prophesied in their scriptures:  the lame would leap like deer, the deaf would hear, the mute sing for joy!  In this way, Jesus not only proclaimed that "The Kingdom is here!" -- he illustrated it vividly through restoring sight, and letting the lame run.  Healing was a sign of the Kingdom.

The Jews knew the coming of the Kingdom would mean great JOY, too.  There would at last be enough for everyone, there would be great feasts -- a big party!

Jesus told tons of stories about the Kingdom, to try to illustrate to people what He was talking about, but it's still difficult, removed as we are from that culture, to reduce it to a quick sentence, that's for sure.

His crucifixion and resurrection were, obviously, central to this message.  Instead of setting us politically free, He set us truly free -- free from just punishment of our rebellion, free from death itself.

Jesus' plan was bigger than that of His people at the time.  His teaching gave us a way to be set free, here and now, from ourselves;  from our sin, anger, bitterness, lust, envy, lack of contentment.  (Read the Sermon on the Mount with that in mind, in Matthew 5-7.)  The Kingdom was announced then, with Jesus telling people how happy ("blessed" in some translations) various on-the-outs groups would be that the Kingdom was here. 

He starts preaching by immediately claiming he'd been anointed by God to proclaim the good news...to the poor.  (Luke 4)

...and then there's the Kingdom that is "not yet".  For now, we are allowed to choose what we want, to choose between the reign of the rightful King, or the Kingdom of Ourselves.  Jesus made it clear, though, there will come a time when God brings his Kingdom in Full, and will restore everything with a new heaven and new earth.  Those who choose the Kingdom will live in it forever.  Those who choose the Kingdom of Self will get their choice, as well.

And just as we can see already, the Kingdom of God unites, brings people together, and builds community.  The Kingdom of Self ultimately leaves us completely alone, even in the midst of others.  Hell will be utter isolation, the Kingdom of Self in Full, chosen freely.

That's a quick summation.  I hope it makes sense.  It is THE theme of Jesus' ministry, but to be honest, I didn't learn much about it growing up. 

May His Kingdom come, on earth, as it is in Heaven.

Best,

Brant

Agape Love in an Elevator

AsteroidsvatorI did this TV interview yesterday.  One of the questions kinda skeeved me out:

"If you were stuck on an elevator with Jesus, and knew you'd have a few hours before they could get you out...what one thing would you want to talk about?"

Like I say, it skeeved me out...and then it didn't. 

I didn't offer the typical smart remark, like, "Well, Jesus, I'm figuring you could fix this thing yourself, so..."

I told the camera-dude to stop taping, because I was going to have to think about that one. 

I came up with a serious answer, but before I tell you, I'd honestly be fascinated to know how you'd answer. 

IKEA = DaliWood

DaliwoodI sent a couple friends down to the opening of the new South Florida IKEA today.  I can "send" friends to things because I'm on the radio.  Being in media allows me both Svengali-like powers of persuasion, and the freedom to foist my accordion-playing on 100,000 plus people at any given moment. 

Aisha and Adrianne filled me in on the scene, so I'll take your questions.

Q:  Did the "grand opening" of the furniture store feature a full color guard, in addition to fanciful youth choir, spiritedly singing the Swedish National Anthem, surrounded by a phalanx of paramedics, hundreds of yellow-shirted employees clapping thunderstix, people with blue balloons taped to their hair, and trampolining youths in bug costumes?

A:  Uh -- yeah, actually.

Q: What's the big deal? Don't you already have furniture stores?

A:  Yep!  Lots!

Q:  So...

A:  ...

Q:  So...what's the big deal?

A:  Now, we can buy bookshelves and ottomans!

Q:  But you could already buy bookshelves and ottomans, right?

A:  These come with umlauts.

Q:  Is Swedish-made furniture better?

A:  I don't know.

Q:  What do you mean?

A:  We make the furniture.

Q:  But it's a furniture store...?

A:  ...that lets us build our OWN furniture!

Q:  With Allen wrenches?

A:  And umlauts! 

Q:  During the opening event, was there a ceremonial cutting-in-half of a palm tree?

A:  Yes.

Q:  Why the paramedics and ambulances?

A:  At a recent IKEA opening, three people were trampled to death.

Q:  No. Seriously.

A:  No, seriously.

Q:  Did the shopping go on?

A:  Yes.

Q:  Back to the SoFla opening, was there enough parking?

A:  No, they had to use trolleys to cram all the shoppers back-and-forth to the BankAtlantic Center parking lots.

Q:  Can a person buy furniture, then haul it onto a crammed trolley to get it to his car?

A:  Nope.

Q:  So people camped out for days, then couldn't actually buy the Swedish furniture?

A:  They couldn't actually get the furniture, but that's okay, because we have other furniture stores.

Q:  Did the whole riotous scene resemble a post-apocalyptic, Swedish version of Mad Max?

A:  You were there.

It's a Diet Fork

Fork_thing_3 

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It's a Diet Fork.  The Diet Fork costs about a buck a fork.  It's a plastic fork.

It's a Diet Fork because it has "dulled teeth", which makes it harder to pick stuff up.

It's Diet Fork because it has a smaller "surface area", which makes stuff fall off.

It's a Diet Fork because the handle is "uncomfortable", which makes it harder to hold the fork.

It's a Diet Fork because, by making it hard to pick stuff up, and making stuff fall off, it "makes dieting fun".

It's a Diet Fork, because it's a fork that doesn't work.

Thank you, makers of Diet Fork.

Take Me to Your Everybody

Web_gumby_robot Today's FunFact:  71% of Americans classify themselves as "leaders".

My Photo

Actual "Photographic" Images

  • Because there's nothing more fun than forcing people to look at your own photo albums, here's an online version. I can't force you to look at it. I can't even force myself to think you'd want to. But here it is. Oh, the places you'll go!

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