Letters from Kamp Krusty

Wups

Honestly, when I watched it the first time, by myself, it wasn't THAT bad.

I mean, it was bad, but not THAT bad.  Not nearly so bad as it was when I just showed it at our house to some old and new friends. 

"It's hilarious, and it's just puppets!" I said.

All I remembered was, you know, it was puppets, and there were valid political insights, and biting commentary, and there was a very adult puppet scene, but it was puppets, and I like puppets, and I remembered laughing so hard I cried.  But watching it with a new crowd, through their eyes -- wow.  No. 

Wups. 

Do not show this movie immediately following an evening of edification. 

I Hate Pirates, Too!

There's this one Pastor who doesn't like Pirate Pastors!  Pirate Pastors are pastors who start competition where there are already churches!

This pastor started his church in the unreached area of Grapevine, Texas!  He's expanded into other frontiers, like Dallas!  And he's also now franchised in South Florida, where we didn't have any churches!  I'm glad we've got one, now!  

It's BAD when pastors take business away from other pastors!   Like this Pastor says, if people did that in the corporate world -- stole business -- they'd be in JAIL!

Piracy is bad, because pirates take money that really doesn't belong to them -- and they use it for themselves!  They pretend they're kings, but it's not their money!  I hate pirates for doing that, and I'll bet you do, too!

I'm glad, at least, that his church hasn't been completely plundered!  They still have enough of God's money to build an arcade and climbing wall and $16 million ultra-awesome Communications Building and they're building a Church Lake so that more dads will bass-fish with their kids on church grounds and they're asking people to give sacrificially for the new "Town and Country" program to build an awesome new retreat center and they also have a bookstore full of the Pastor's own books and videos and a cafe that has coffee cups printed with the Pastor's favorite recipes!  

Stupid pirates haven't gotten everything, yet!

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In unrelated news, I've recently visited some Christian brothers and sisters who don'tt have enough of God's money to afford a single working toilet, and who don't get enough food, and another church trying to buy ARV drugs to keep its kids from being orphaned and another that's struggling to buy nets to cover their children and protect them from malaria.  I hope God helps them sometime with His money!

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In still more unrelated news, the Pastor's church kindly requests your gold, land, coins, and jewelry.  (scroll down...)

A Bucket List: Things You Can Do Before Hell

Hell, I don't know what it's like.

There are several descriptions and metaphors for Hell used in the Bible.  I do know it means separation from God and others.  If you want to experience that, to ultimately choose the Kingdom of Yourself, here are some things you can enjoy doing that won't, by themselves or taken together, imperil your future plans:

Be a scripture memorizer

Go to church camp

Teach Sunday School

Tithe

Be a brilliant theologian

Lead the Cookies-for-Newcomers ministry

Think you're pre-destined for Heaven

Listen to Christian radio

Work in Christian radio

Lead "powerful worship"

Preach the Word

Be a missionary in Africa

Be involved in a small group

Stand for Justice and Peace

Vote pro-life

Go to seminary

Pray for the President

Have a brilliant, theologically-astute understanding of Grace

Talk to people about Christ

Say the sinner's prayer

Speak in tongues

Wear a WWJD? bracelet

Be an elder in your church

Argue with your teacher about evolution

Lead family devotions

Argue theology on your blog

Argue theology on this blog

Take a Stand for prayer in school

Start a hip, organic church

Substitute the word "poop" for the word "shit"

"Take" or "receive" "communion" every week, month, quarter, or year, without fail

Come forward at church camp

Take a Stand for Truth in the face of the alarmingly-relativist "emergent" church

Place sticker of fish, preferably eating Darwin fish, on car

Pray

Confidently trace your church's lineage back to Peter

Read Max Lucado

Actually want to read Max Lucado

Be sure you're Elect

Suspect you're cool because you sure no one's Elect

Read the Bible a lot

Argue that drinking alcohol would ruin your "witness"

Sing the right words to "Shout to the Lord", unapologetically, unlike those rassemfrassems on American Idol.  Sheesh.

Rue those new choruses that lack deep theology

Be transparent about your shortcomings on your kampy blog

Be baptized

Know the guitar chords for all the Chris Tomlin songs

Personally baptize Chris Tomlin

Sponsor a child through Compassion International

Steer clear of R-rated movies

Homeschool your children

Mail only Christmas cards with baby Jesus in it, and a scripture

Look like Jesus with a beard and stuff

Be a member of Promise Keepers

Be a member of Sojourners

Be a Prophetic Voice

Be a counselor at a Billy Graham Crusade

Wear "Lord's Gym" t-shirts

Organize VBS

Work at Focus on the Family

Share openly at Small Group

Tsk tsk Harry Potter

Know who Priscilla and Aquilla are

Know who DeGarmo and Key are

Watch, repeatedly, "The Passion of the Christ"

Force your kids to watch, repeatedly, "The Passion of the Christ"

Go to confession

Eschew the banalities of commercial Christian culture and refuse to listen to Michael W. Smith, instead opting for Sufjan Stevens and U2 and -- maybe -- Mat Kearney

Bemoan the secularization of Christmas

Be a key member of a church that offers solid, Biblical teaching -- none of that namby-pamby stuff

Be the pastor who offers solid, Biblical teaching -- none of that namby-pamby stuff

Cheer for Hannity

Boo Colmes

Give the neighborhood kids "Cross-Pops" (TM) candy for Halloween

Talk about how spiritually lame you are all the time

Lead your neighbors to Christ

"Study to show yourself approved"

Be correct about every.  single.  thing.

"Know", theologically, that this post is correct, too, but live as if it weren't

I Don't Think He Should Have Done That to That Guy

It weirds me out when people rally behind a guy who acts all smart and stuff, but also rejects the faith as it's been practiced for centuries.  People actually follow him, and adopt his ideas, and it's frightening. 

I think it would be a good idea to ignore people who identify with him, or quote him, approvingly!  It's scary how easily people can set aside hundreds of years of tradition, and try to fashion things their way.

Not only does he write revolutionary books, challenging long-cherished beliefs, he thinks he can re-think what the church itself should look like!  That takes arrogance.  And there exists an entire movement of "churches" centered around this guy's thinking!  It's scary. 

Is he really a God-ordained authority, from whom we should take our theological cues?  His personal life will tell you what you need to know:  This guy got in a "blog war" of sorts, with another writer, and he didn't handle disagreement very well.  I know this because he had the other guy killed.  Burned him at the stake.  I know it's a rough-and-tumble world of ideas out there, but, to me, that's rude.

Granted, he wanted to chop the other guy's head off, instead, which would have been more humane, but still.  Plus, after he took over a city, he had a couple dozen other people burned at the stake.  Again:  Red flag, folks!   You'd think that would be enough for people to write the guy off as a new theological authority, but noooooo.

Some call him a "theological humanist".  And a rumor:  He doesn't think Revelation should be in the canon! True?  Maybe not, but that's what happens when you decide to reject Truth as we've always known it:  Everything is up for grabs.  And people still follow this guy and read his stuff!

That John Calvin burns me up. 

Signs Your Local McDonalds was Bought Out by that Huge Church Down the Street

- -

Hamburglar repents.

Seating areas divided by age group.

Mayor McCheese runs on pro-life platform.

Customer service improves.

Exodus International dispatched to counsel the Burger King.

Greeters!!!

Ronald is revered, but now gone half the time to conferences.

New "Fry Guy":  Chris Tomlin

Counter staff all has goatees.

All smaller churches now also trying to buy a McDonalds.

New menu item:  "Happy Meal:  Tribulation Force"

Marketing budget enlarged.

On Preaching and Stuff

Commenter Dave makes a fair statement, in the thread on Awesome Manliness and preaching:

"You seem kind of down on pulpit preaching."

Have at me:  I think I am kinda down on it.  Even the word "pulpit" weirds me out.  Seriously.  Maybe that's not fair.  Just being honest.  "Pulpit".  Bleh.  "Pulpit."  Ew.  "Pulpit."

But -- and it sounds silly to the ear, but I'll type it, anyway --  I don't think there's anything "wrong" with pulpit-preaching.

Oh, I do think there's something wrong with fostering expert culture, ego trips, lack of equality in the church, stopping people from interacting when ostensibly "gathering", enjoying small (and big) time celebrity,  idolizing never-ending knowledge-accrual, limiting those who can contribute, promoting a seeming singular "leader", ear-tickling, confusion about the original public nature of "preaching" in the N.T., and, especially, feigned religiosity.

I do think there's something wrong with those things, but those don't have to come along with pulpit-preaching.  They often do, sure (seen it my whole life) but they don't have to, and some humble leaders demonstrate this.

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Full disclosure:  My dad is a minister.  My very cool brother (he's a minister, too, and I used to be one) and I grew up around this stuff.

Does this color my impressions of both the necessity and efficacy of week-in, week-out, in-the-church-building-pulpit-preaching to the same people by the same guy? 

Oh, heck yeah.

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My family and I went to an all-black church for awhile, before we moved here from Illinois.  It rocked.  The preacher was incredible, man.  Funny!  Entertaining!  Grounded!  Insightful!  Well-educated!  Mature!  Awesome!  ...and he talked for two and a half hours!

-- I snuck out every week.  After a half-hour, I'd run past the frowning, gloved ushers and across the street to "Strawberry Fields", where I could eat granola and read the NYTimes Book Review.  I confess, I can't handle it.  I'm sorry.  He was great.

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"Preaching" in the N.T. is largely a public phenomenon, so far as I can tell. 

Preaching in the synagogues --- to Jews;  preaching to then non-believers at Pentecost, preaching outside, gettin' busted for preaching, interacting with people all the while, answering questions, responding. 

I confess to being a bit confused by the elastic use of the word, but that may be my own lack of biblical knowledge.  Maybe preaching was, in the N.T., what it generally is, now:  Non-interactive speaking to large groups of the same believers in "church buildings" on a weekly basis.

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As a media-type person, I get invited to "preach" sometimes, too.  Occasionally, I don't offend everybody, and get asked back. 

One recent sermon topic at a big church:  "Why Sermons are Overrated".  That pastor -- figure this -- asked me back.

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Truth is, I don't learn best, I'm not reminded best, by listening to large-group oration.  I learn best when I can interact, when I can listen to others interacting, or when I can hit "pause" during a podcast, or when I can go back and re-read that last thing Jesus said that shocked everybody and made me laugh. 

Even better:  I learn when I'm doing stuff with people, when I'm doing one of those 40-or-so "one-another's" in the N.T. that you can't possibly do in a typical worship service.

That's just me.  Your mileage may vary.  But here's what's weird:  Between the two of us, your preacher's probably more like me than you.  Except he's manlier than me.  But that's not the point.

He probably won't say, "You should sit in a large group and have someone preach to you on a weekly basis."  He probably won't -- at least shouldn't -- say that because he likely doesn't sit in a large group and have someone preach to him on a weekly basis.  He listens to podcasts, reads books, interacts with people, does stuff.

And by golly, that's okay by me.

For Those About to Leave, I Salute You

I'm going to get back to blogging real soon-like.  Meantime, a question for you:  Would it be lame for me to post those google-ad things on here and make money?

A couple friends say I should, but I've heretofore resisted the idea, for a simple reason: I don't want to care how many people read this thing.  I don't want to be checking the reader stats and wondering, "Geez, what did I do?  Why don't people like me anymore?  How'd I go from thousands of visits a day to, like, six?"

Fact is, deep down -- and maybe you can relate to this, if you're also a complete mess -- I suspect that eventually people will, to a person, grow disenchanted with me, personally, and leave.  It's not just the blog, I suspect people will turn off their radios, too, and just say, "Okay, I'm sick of him.  Never again."

But I have to care in my radio job.  I don't want to care, here. 

Since I know the exodus will happen, I don't want to care about it, when it does.  If I start making $15 a month, or whatever, from ads, I'll also lose that income, and think, "Man, I blew that.  I was making 15 bucks a month, and then I just had to go and say that one thing.  Dang it, dang it, dang it."

I don't want to care, but I'd also like to make money to buy CornNuts every time I get gas.  Kinda torn, but leaning against it.  Would you think it was stupid to add ads? 

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And here's a related special message to the people who recently linked to my Solomon entry: 

You'll probably want to leave, now.  You are welcome here, and I love you, and value your opinions, and I'm certainly honored that you read that entry, or got linked to it by "teampyro", or whatever.  God bless you one and all. 

It's just that, judging from what I saw on teampyro, you're eventually going to hate me.  A lot.

Oh, I'm not a postmodern, whom you hate and stuff -- not one at all -- but I am someone you will eventually also hate.  Just go back and read some older stuff, about why I don't "go to church" anymore, what I think of our lists of "essentials", what I think of all the money the American church wastes, what I think of just how much "knowledge" we really need, how pastor-centric churches deny discipleship to others, what I think "church" is supposed to be, all that stuff -- you'll find plenty to be disenchanted and angry about.  No worries.

Seriously, I'm just giving you a heads-up to spare you the anger, which is a trap, even if it makes us feel good for awhile.

In shorthand, for newer readers, wondering "What's up with this guy?":

I'm like Mike Yaconelli's spiritual love child.  Or something.  If you don't know who he is, look him up sometime.  But I'm not even sure what I mean.  Maybe it means I'm a theological conservative who offends theological conservatives.  Or maybe it means that even if I finally wrote a book, I wouldn't sell many.  Or maybe it means if I were at a convention and John MacArthur were speaking, I'd sneak out to the bar down the street before he even blasted his first person.

Most likely, it means all that stuff, plus it means I'm through with the Christian subculture.  Through with it.  The haughtiness, the pretense, the pharisaicalism, the whole thing.  I'm done with it.  But that's true of a lot of people.  Maybe millions.  Nothing interesting about that. 

What makes me a bit dangerous, maybe, is that I'm not through with Jesus.  Not even close.  And He's not through with me. 

So keep reading, and commenting, if you want, before MacArthur, or Mark Driscoll, or someone, shows up here in SoFla and goes all Jackie-Chan on me.  Either way, I'm not expecting a windfall from any Google ads.  Lone solace:  I suspect Jesus's blog might wind up a ghost town.

Some Crazy Guy Said Something Crazy About Church

Some crazy guy told me something crazy the other day.  He said there's no precedent in the New Testament for the church gathering for the purpose of corporate, "vertical" worship of God.  This crazy guy kept talking crazy and said that yes, the people of The Way gathered to edify each other and stuff, and that was critical to their community, but that the "meeting for worship" concept isn't in the New Testament.

Him crazy! 

I had a quick response for him, something about, you know, could he pass the salad? or something, and I think that threw him. 

But anyway, I know he's wrong and stuff, but, as I frequently remind, I'm no Bible scholar, so I didn't know exactly where my ammo would be.  So, I guess what I'm saying is, if he's wrong -- and obviously he is -- could you tell me how?  Just want to make sure our answers match mine is all.

Crazy guy likes singing together and stuff, he says, but he was crazily wondering if we haven't way over-funded and over-emphasized this as an expression of what the church is, and we may have mis-communicated what "worship" means to a lot of people. 

I told crazy guy that people like him should stop asking questions and he's probably jealous because I play a mean acoustic and I cranked my David Crowder CD and he got real quiet so I think I made my point.

Great Artists are So Rarely Understood

...and so am I.

I've heard from some well-informed, smarter-than-me people:  They didn't "get" my cartoon.  The one with the little stick-figure guys and the pope and stuff.  This means two things:

1)  I left some people puzzled, and

2)  Mission accomplished, because that's what we do here:  Leave at least 20% wondering...wha?

Anyway, Mark Driscoll, hip pastor-feller of a Seattle church, and probably a really wonderful human being, decided to call out some people, by name, for being heretics, or at least embracing heresy, or hanging out with heretics, or quoting them too much, or...something.  Anyway, you can read about that broiling controversy elsewhere.

If I seem a little fuzzy on the details, well...bingo.  That's kind of the point.  I can't bring myself to care.  I'm done with it.  Just...can't...summon...energy...

I'm sure it's quite important, and I could get quite riled up about whatever it is, but...zzzzzzz....

Fact is, I still don't know my neighbors very well.  The people in our church community have some serious problems.  I struggle at my job.  My kids are getting older.  Our dog is missing a leg.  I've got this corner, by my bed, of piled miscellaneous stuff I need to sort.  And the beach is beautiful this time of year.

So hunt your heretics, heretic-hunters.  It's a big job.  That's got to keep you busy.  I might join you, after I rid my life of the many mini-heresies that pervade it, daily.  And finally clean the garage.  I'm hoping my electric football game isn't all mildewy. 

We all have our lists:  What's Essential.  Truths that Cannot Be Compromised.   Absolutes that, if Not True, Would Undermine Everything.  My list used to be pretty long.  Real long. 

Funny thing is, I've talked to several older believers about the whole list-of-essentials thing.  Several of them had very long lists earlier in life.  But those lists got shorter -- all of them. 

Never once have I talked to an older person whose list got longer.  Never once.

This May Actually Be Disturbing: Tips for Oratorical Manipulation

You're going to hate me for this.  Unless, that is, you're insecure, and you kinda like manipulating people with the spoken word, in which case this will be the most relevant blog post you've ever read.

This template will work.  Just plug-n-play.  You don't need to be particularly inspired, but people will sure think you are.

It works essentially, in construct, as a pop song, with intro, verses, choruses, bridge, and anthemic ending.  Here's the song score:

1.  Say something self-deprecating and funny.  (Reduces defenses before performance.)

2.  Read a scripture, reveal your thesis statement.  (Lets people know you're preaching out of the Bible today.  Functions as a song intro, setting the theme.)

3.  Tell another funny story.  (Puts people at ease, makes them really like you.  The first "verse", musically speaking.)

4. Restate thesis.  (Fit it in after a laugh, and people will love you.  This is the main theme, the chorus.)

5.  Tell another funny story.  (Now you're very entertaining, people are starting to "get it".  This is the second verse.)

6.  Restate thesis.  (This is hitting home.  The second chorus, sweeping into the bridge.)

7.  Go to scripture you're using to support your thesis.  (This is the "bridge", before a pensive, emotive final verse.)

8.  Tell a very sad story.  (This is the final, heart-tugging, slowed-down verse.)

9.  Back to resoundingly-put thesis statement.  (This is the anthemic, final chorus, full-out.  They've been amused, they cried, they got the final statement again.  They're nodding in approval, fighting back some tears.)

10. Say something winsomely funny, not hilarious; restate thesis, slowly.  (Denouement, the fade-out.)

Do this, and people will walk out like they had a good meal.   Remember that laughing + crying = high suggestibility.  They'll be very impressed with you, and will have had an emotional experience in a religious context, which may be the valuable service they were hoping you'd render.

Is it evil to teach this way?  Depends on motivation.  You're playing with power tools, here.

Did Jesus teach this way?  No, not that I can tell.

Do I teach this way anymore?  Man, I sure try not to.