Letters from Kamp Krusty

C-Ya, Chumps: I'm Going on an Awesome Christian Cruise

Me?  I'm going on an awesome Christian cruise. 

This time Monday, Carolyn and I will be doing that thing where everybody throws confetti and says "bon voyage" in a wild, festive, raucous bacchanal of sobriety.

I have been told I will enjoy the ocean of food that will be arrayed before me.  Also, apparently, given the picture of our ship that Google called up, I will also be called to administer Christian massages to immodest Christian females.  I will decline this.

Then, I will relax next to a Christian pool with the members of Casting Crowns. 

My life is a non-stop Carnival of Irony.

UPDATE:

Some of you are questioning the willy-nilly use of "Christian" when applied to entertainment options.  I understand;  I used to be the same way.

But then I was invited on this cruise.

It's caused me to really reflect and re-think some things. 

I plan to continue ruminating, as I do what I feel God has long called me to do:  Float at sea while karaoke-ing with Dallas Holm.

Touring the Times

Man, THIS is creepy.  "Poverty tourism", they call it.  People go to the slums, watch the poor people, then retire to a ten-course meal, and they charge $30,000 apiece!  Then the guests pat themselves on the back for learning about the plight of the poor...but really, while they pose as caring, they're really all about themselves and their acquisitiveness.  Hypocrites!

I'm glad I'm more enlightened than that!  I read the New York Times!  I'm no uncaring capitalist. I'm a caring, informed global citizen.  I'm aware of the challenges facing not only the poor, but those facing our environment.  Did I mention I care?  I do!

Let's look at this Sunday's edition!

Here's a big article in section one about the poor people in Kenya, who are being displaced.  I care about them!  Those stupid people in the White House ought to do something!  And on the other side of the page, here are some cool watches!  Five different ads on the same page!  Gucci and Tag Heuer, too!

And that's a cool new Alfa Romeo I can buy!  Wow!

Here's another way I can be caring.  I can buy my fine wines from Napa Valley, under the label, "Markham Wine".  Says here in this full-page ad that they'll use a bit of the money to make changes in communities somewhere!  I feel good about that.

Here's an article about poor, single mothers in China.  Pretty rough deal, there.  Turn the page, and Nordstrom is having a big lingerie sale!  $42 for a bra! 

And check out this new perfume I can buy that actually smells like GOLD!  It's only $105! 

Global citizens who care, like me, love the New York Times.  Here's an article about religious persecution in Iraq.  How sad!   And here's an ad below it for a luxury tour of Ireland!   And Tiffany is having a sale on bracelets!  Ooh!

Oh -- an article on the poor in Amazonia, the oppressed "forest peoples".  Aw.  The White House should really do something!  There's a lot of bio-diversity there, you know!   And Bloomingdale's has a sale on their "Pretty in Python" watches -- now only $3,000!

Says here Al Gore has a new "logo":  It's the word "Me", but it's flipped over, because it's not really all about "me"!  Good stuff.  So true!  And here's an article by it, about a "green" house I can buy, for only $3 million!  With all the luxuries, but with a special air conditioner!

Oh -- awesome!  This ad says CIRCA will re-set all my fine jewelry, and give me "instant gratification"!  I like instant gratification!

Dang it.  Says here CEO's are still making too much money.  I hate that!  It's not fair.  Plus, they -- wait:  COOL:  "The Brompton" is now offering "stylishly proper" condos I can have for $4.6 million!  Neat!

I love the Times because they give their readers real life ideas.  Like this piece about the best ways I can spend 36 hours in luxury while in Dubai!  I'm usually bored in Dubai!  And here's an ad inviting me to see the new de la Renta collection if I just call for an appointment!  And here's an article on the plight of people without health insurance!  You know, that White House should -- wait:  Sotheby's is having a big art auction for discriminating collectors!  Pretty full-page ad!  Ooh --so sad:  People are facing foreclosures, and it's not fair, and, here's some very fancy homes advertised for Jupiter, Florida, of all places, and man, this is interesting stuff, and anyway, back to the point, those "poverty tourists" would have to be pretty full of themselves to pat themselves on the back for talking one way, but really living the other. 

Bunch of posers!

By the Way: Two Actual Phone Conversations, from My Last Job

"Hey, this is Brant..."

"Hi, Brant, my name is Brafasdf;kj Oaweafalk.   I'm on my car phone right now, hope you can hear me okay.  I wanted to see if we could talk on your show about an issue in Springfield that's important right now and -- "

"Hey man, I appreciate it.  Seriously, though, I'm real busy, and we've got a lot going on on the show these days, so if you could call me back sometime -- "

"Yeah, I could do that.  I think your listeners would be interested."

"Cool.  Yeah, we're just kinda busy."

"Okay, no problem.  I'll call you some other time."

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"Hey, this is Brant..."

"Brant, I don't know if you remember me, but my name is Baweroaabv Oadfgag and I'd love to be on the show and talk about the tax issue right now and --"

"Uh, yeah, sure...I remember you.  I think.  Anyway, we're loaded, man, so I appreciate you calling but we've got a pretty full show right now so I'm real sorry."

"Oh -- okay, no problem.  I understand."

"Okay, sorry about that, but I'm just real busy right now.  Really.  We've got a lot of important interviews lined up, and -- you know."

"Hey, no problem.  Maybe some other time...?"

"Sure, man.  Sure.  How do you say your name again?"

"Buh-ROCK.  It's spelled B-a-r-a-c-k.  Obama."

"Cool.  Barack.  Take it easy."

"Okay, thanks anyway."

I Wanted to Be a Reporter

I was going to be a reporter.  And I was in journalism school, and I saw this big fire!

Carolyn and I were driving home at night (we were married in college) and we could see it in the distance, near our apartment.  A GIANT FIRE!  HUGE!

We drove right by it!  A whole big building was engulfed in flames!  And -- really weird -- no one was around.  No cops, no firefighters, nobody.  I alertly decided I'd cover the fire for extra credit in my JOURN 371 reporting class! 

I ran into our apartment, grabbed my reporter's notebook and pencil, and dashed the back way to the scene!  I could feel the heat of the fire, as cop cars and firetrucks arrived! 

I didn't want to get in their way, so I stayed back, behind the bushes, watching them!  That way I wouldn't bother them!  I could see them fight the fire!  I could see them yelling at each other!  I could see them making gestures, and pointing at me as I lurked in the bushes!

MEMO TO FUTURE REPORTERS:  Don't "lurk".

I was apprehended, put in the back of the squad car and  interrogated.  Turned out I brought my pencil but forgot my reporter pad.  The detectives came back to our apartment at 1 a.m., banged on the door, and took my clothes to the lab.

I asked my grizzled, former CBS White House reporter-professor if he'd ever gotten to the scene of a crime so quickly, he'd been apprehended by the cops.  He left the room and I heard him laughing in the hallway.

I am not a reporter at this time.

Fun with Politicians!

While they're out campaigning...

If you get a chance, here's a fun question to ask your fave politician whose position on abortion is the familiar refrain, "While I personally am opposed to abortion, I don't think the government should be involved in...etc."

I tried the question once in a sit-down with a few reporters and then U.S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun, after she gave an impassioned speech in the partial-birth abortion debate.  She's personally very opposed to abortion, she said, repeatedly, but just didn't see how the government should have a say in it...etc.  So she vote against banning partial-birth abortion.

You say you are personally, conscientiously opposed to abortion.

"Yes."

Question:  What's so wrong with it?  Just wondering, because you said you personally were against it.  What's wrong with abortion?

Then, literally:  Thirty seconds of "Um...uh...ah...Well, I...uh...ah..."  Thirty seconds.  I could have left for a bite and come back.  On and on.  The other reporters were shifting in their seats.  "Well...I...this...you know...

"Well...I....um..." then finally, "Um...well...you know, I'm Catholic."

The problem with abortion is you're Catholic?

"I'm Catholic."

Anyway, try it sometime!  Ask earnestly.  Maybe they'll have a great answer.  Somehow.

Christmas Letter

Merry Christmas, friends!

Here's our annual Christmas letter! (1)  How are the Hansens?  Well, we're incredible! (2)

Justice has excelled at fencing this year! (3)  And Julia is an amazing ballerina! (4)  Brant is healthy and strong! (5)   And Carolyn is still home-schooling and teaching a Latin class! (6)

Our church is growing like crazy! (7)  We got a new dog! (8)  Brant still drives his cool, old convertible!  (9)  He's still a pretty crazy-cool young guy! (10)  And he's more laid-back than ever! (11)

The kids are enjoying practicing on the beautiful piano we were given! (12)  We bought an awesome used minivan! (13)  It has a DVD player! (14)

Brant's exotic experiences continued, even without his usual globe-trotting! (15)  He always amazes his friends! (16)

Carolyn's home-making skills are dynamite, and she now produces six quarts of homemade yogurt each week! (17)

Brant got a raise! (18)  A Whole Foods opened up nearby! (19)

Meeko, our bird?  Sure, we've complained about how loud he's been, but he's not nearly the nuisance he was! (20)

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(1) --  Footnoted, for a more realistic view.

(2) --  In terms of hair.

(3) --  He wants to quit.

(4) --  But she quit, because they wanted her to essentially surrender her life to it.  And the Hansens couldn't afford it anymore.  Punks.

(5) --  Joel Osteen outbenches him.

(6) --  Carolyn's quitting that.  She says she actually doesn't know any Latin, and the kids are starting to figure it out.

(7) --  Some think Brant got too excited and invited everybody.

(8) --  He's missing a leg.

(9) --  The roof doesn't always lower right, so Brant slammed it and broke his pinky. 

(10) -- Considering he had his first prostate exam.

(11) --  Brant is on drugs.

(12) --  Except a key sticks now, because Brant's guitar pick got stuck in it.

(13) --  Because we wrecked our other one.

(14) --  Brant can't figure out how to make it work.

(15) --  Brant contracted e-coli. 

(16) --  By contracting things like e-coli.

(17) --  Brant eats six quarts of yogurt per week, which is nearly as gross as contracting e-coli.

(18) --  Plus a free Relient K CD.

(19) --  Raise neutralized.

(20) --  We got rid of him.

USA Today Borrows a Brain

Draw your own conclusions.

First, Kamp Krusty does this.  And now, an artist for USA Today has a version at left, accompanying a story on teenage psychology.

Bizarrely, both even include references to lyrics, in the same part of the brain.  Rather than "actual toast crumbs", the teen-dude gets "Have no idea."

I'd be flattered, but it's USA Today. 

Freaky, huh?  Maybe we're both terribly unoriginal, in precisely the same way.

Whipping Boy

Christianity Today gives us another round on Christian radio. 

Leave it to the outspoken Derek Webb to sum up the complicated politics of Christian radio -- what songs get played, and for what audience -- in a one-punch sentence: 

"The gospel," says Webb, "has no target demographic."

Sure, Derek.  But radio stations do. 

And the gospel doesn't play F chords, but some wonderful guitar players do.  It's okay.  Really.   

Truth is, every single radio station on your dial -- with actual listeners, anyway -- has a target demographic.

(And this will surely be tonic, indeed, for those who've long thought, "Why can't Christian radio become more professional?)

Shaun Groves, who's my favorite provocateur besides, you know, me, "takes his own swing", it says:

The trouble is, Christian radio tells stories to make you feel like they're evangelistic, but they're not.  Say what you are.  Don't lie to me and say I'm saving teenagers. (Ed note 1/14:  See Shaun's comment in thread for illumination of this quote.)

I'm not lyin', Shaun.  We're broadly-casting songs about God.  This resonates with some people who stumble across it, or start listening at the prompting of their friends on the way to school. 

Radio is surprisingly emotional for people, too.  Part of it's because it penetrates private spaces.  Since I don't believe in atheists, I suspect many, deep down, long for a reminder of what they "can't not know", what they've forgotten.   What's more:  Music, even the slicked-up, Nashville variety, can cut to the heart. 

(Don't get me wrong:  "Christian radio" can be very deserving of criticism.  It can be theologically irresponsible, professionally abysmal, mbarrassingly...embarrassing.  This is not, however, because programmers aren't trying to be "evangelistic" enough.  It's because they're actually over-reaching, trying to be too much to too many, trying to take on all the roles of the church, and trying it all on a budget that doesn't afford talent.  There are, thankfully, exceptions.  On the whole, stations that humbly say, "Here's what we do",  and stick to it -- they're going to be a credit to their communities.)

Yes, it's possible that artists know better than the emailers themselves, like, yes, many teeangers who say, "You know, I was feeling totally hopeless until my friend got me started listening to your station, and then..."  -- but it's doubtful.   

As in:  Not true.

Terminally Unhip

In "Almost Famous", Lester Bangs gives us a great line, (HT: Seth): 

The only true currency in this bankrupt world … is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.

To that end, I give you a Top Five List:  Reasons I'm Profoundly Uncool.

I could go well beyond five, of course, but I'm hoping you'll play along.  It occurs to me now, having already written the below, that I neglected to mention that I play the flute, once thought I was cool for wearing a bandana around my ankle, own a minivan, and last week tripped and fell, for no apparent reason, while jogging. 

Friends, I recently broke my pinkie, which prevented me from playing my accordion.  That sentence -- I shudder at the sentence I just typed -- should suffice.  But here you go:

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1.  I do stuff like this. 

2.  I've got this, and it's very pronounced.  I was born with it, and frankly, it's made me somewhat shy in person.  To compensate for the condition, which causes pronounced eye movement, my head moves involuntarily.  The compensatory head movement has creeped people out my entire life, but I can't control it, and it allows me to do fun things including, but not limited to, seeing straight.

How severe is it?  I went to the University of Illinois on a full-ride scholarship for the handicapped, or disabled, or however it's to be put.  Only once have I met someone with the same condition, with the same severity, and he was defined by it.  Couldn't play sports, couldn't drive, and he continually made reference to his, and by extension my, freakishness. 

I read in wikipedia that one actor has the condition.  And it says, quoting here, "A typical adjective used describe the appearance of actor Pruitt Taylor Vince's nystagmus is 'creepy'." 

Thanks.

I tend to forget about it -- but not for long.  I'm snapped out of forgetfulness, quickly, when the gas station clerk says, "Yeah?  And you're problem is...?" or the grocery store lady says, "What's the matter with YOU?" because I'm unwittingly shaking my head "no".   This happens all the time.

I've grown up trying to get in and out of social situations without much eye contact, and I enjoy not being seen.  This may explain why I'm in radio.

But I didn't let it stop me from playing sports, which leads me to...

3.  I never got a hit in eight years of organized baseball.  Eight...years.  And no hits.  I batted 0 for holy-crap-I-don't-even-want-to-think-about-it.

I did hit the ball once.  Once.  Some kid caught it for an out.  It was a blazing fastball, too.  I'll never forget that pitcher.  The pitcher's name was Tricia.

I played basketball, too.  I got off the bench long enough to take one shot, total, in my career. 

It went backward.

4.  I go to other hemispheres to help the afflicted, apparently through Komedy like this.

5.  In high school, I was the president of the Illinois Student Librarians Association.  You will not find it on the net, because, after 80 years of thriving, it voted to dissolve under my leadership.

We had two annual conventions:  The "Fall Convention" was to plan the "Spring Convention."  The "Spring Convention", however, was to plan for the "Fall Convention."

Also true:  We played Dewey Decimal bingo.

Your turn.

Gimme Three Steps

Say what you want:  Dude sold 70 million books.  70.  Million.

So if you get a chance to talk to Jerry Jenkins, you take it, even if you haven't read the Left Behind books.  You ask the obvious.

How do I write a story?

He says there are two steps.  You think of an interesting character, and then you sit down and write about stuff happening to him.  That's it, partner.  And that's three steps, really, if you count the sitting down part.

You just invent a guy, and start makin' stuff up. 

It's that simple, he says.  Of course, I don't do it, because it frightens me.  I'm afraid my story will be stupid.  I'm also afraid I'll be handcuffed, mentally, by the imagined expectations of my imaginary audience of friends, peers, and intellectual heroes.

"That's what the first quarter-million words are for," he said.  "Then, once you get them out of your head -- your friends, your mom, your critics -- you can actually sit down and write."

A quarter-million words!  That's enough to take Rachel Ray through an entire half-hour show.  It's daunting.  But I want to try this make-it-up-as-you-go-along thing.  Respect the series or not, accept its theology or no (I don't) -- people turn the pages.  Jenkins says he enjoys Stephen King, and that's how Stephen does it.

I'd like to try, but I just...I don't know.  Truth is, as I've told Carolyn a few times, I don't enjoy writing, but I enjoy having written.

Imagine my artistic rapture when he responded to my, "Jerry, you're constantly churning this stuff out.  You must love writing, right?"

"No.  I don't enjoy writing.  What I enjoy is having written."