Letters from Kamp Krusty

RE: Told You So

Q:  How do I witness to my hell-bound friends after I'm raptured?

A:  With this website.

Q:  And does it automatically send out emails to my friends six days after the rapture?

A:  Yes.

Q:  And do the emails tell my friends that I got raptured, so that's why I didn't show up for pilates, and yes, you can borrow my iPod now?

A:  Yes. 

Q:  And does it only charge me only $40 a year to reach my loved ones for Christ?

A:  Yes.

Q:  And can we edit our own outgoing memos, to say what we really mean, like, say, "RE:  Boo Ya"?

A:  Yes.

Q:  Could the post-rapture, auto-send feature fail, thereby sending false "I love you, but I've been raptured, and you've been left behind" emails to the person currently sitting next to me in the cubicle?

A:  Yes, quite easily.

Q:  Is this for real?

A:  It's for real.

Q:  And, like Annie Dillard, do we sometimes wonder why God doesn't just blow our dancing bear act to smithereens?

A:  Every day.

Just a Closer Walk with Wii

Sometimes, I'm all like, "Why don't churches use the day celebrating the resurrection of God, incarnate, as on occasion to invite people to play Nintendo Boxing against a Jesus avatar?"

And then Doug sends me a link, and I'm like, "Oh -- they already do."

There's Probably Irony in Here, Somewhere

Yep.

I also appreciated how commenters on the story universally recognized the foolishness of all the fighting...and then proceeded to fight about it.

And I know, I know:  I'm too flippant.  It's all profound, and profoundly illustrative, and laden with deep and obvious meaning, but...but forgive me if it all made me laugh.  I'm sorry.  The scene is just so very, quintessentially Monty Python. 

It helps a bit that I don't believe this "holy site" is any more holy than any other place, and I've grown up watching church leaders protecting ministry turf.  They usually don't swing brooms.  Call it tragic if you want, and at some level it certainly is, but more so than what I've already seen?  Not so much.

Anyway, I'm sorry.  I'm not laughing now.  I'm sorry.  Inappropriate.  It's either laugh or cry, though.

Hope everyone recovers and then knocks it off.

The Seven Habitrails of Highly Effective Churches

Sometimes I regret that we don't take up an offering when our church peeps get together.  If we did, we could snag us one of these things.

These things would give our church a "competitive advantage", it says on their website.  An awesome competitive advantage!

I got the website from Church Business magazine, published for pastors.  A friend gave me a copy of Church Business magazine, because he really, really loves me and he really, really, wants to see me finally lose it.

A big soft-play, Christian-themed park would give our church, or ekklesia -- our gathering of those "called out" by God -- a competitive advantage over other ekklesia, other gatherings of people "called out" by God.   According to the ad for pastors, it will do precisely what we are called out to do:

1.  "Attract children and families" to our facility.

2.  "Increase the value of services" that we offer.  Before, we offered a reason to live.  Now? A reason to live -- like gerbils.

3.  "Enhance the image of (our) facility."   -- in accordance with scripture.

Like I say, I want one.  I, Brant Hansen, want to enhance our ministry image with nothing less than the 0501c, with BatBox(TM), Elbow Tube, Kidrgy TeeterTodderTube with interactive Teeter Motion and...NO WAY do I offer this ministry without the optional Dumpty Humpty (TM) ball room with xtra Softee Balls. 

I heard the church down the street didn't opt for the Dumpty Humpty.  Chumps.  Helloooo, new congregants, right this way...

You Can't Lampoon Us Anymore

I mentioned on the air that the Jesus doll creeped me out.  And perhaps the idea of reducing Jesus to Elmo, to a push-a-button-and-He-talks doll, was inappropriate.

A caller told me that Elmo doesn't teach scripture, so this doll is better.

I mentioned that I think Jesus Street Live, with a dancing Jesus and furry friends, would also be inappropriate. 

A caller told me that Jesus Street Live might not be a bad idea.

I mentioned that if Saturday Night Live produced a fake "Buy a Jesus Doll!" commercial, people would want to protest, because it would be inappropriate.

A caller told me I shouldn't watch Saturday Night Live. 

I mentioned that perhaps, as a friend suggested, the Jesus doll could come with a cross and nails set, and wouldn't that be inappropriate?

A caller told me this might be a good idea, to give kids a good visual...of a crucifixion.

I mentioned that perhaps, in addition to the push-a-button-and-he-quotes-John-chapter-20, we might consider a push-button-and-his-nose-lights up function, and would that be inappropriate?

A caller told me my line of questioning was inappropriate.