Letters from Kamp Krusty

We're Ready to Tell Everyone How to Do It Now

Our church has grown by, oh, about 500%.

In one year.

The yearly budget:  $0.00

Obviously, there will now be tremendous demand for us to host seminars, and our "model" will be copied by hundreds of church plants.  We'll sought after as speakers, trainers, and advocates for The Latest Thing, which is this model of ours, and seminaries and leadership books will train hordes to reproduce our success.

This model will be the hot new thing to replicate!

Oh, wait -- this model involves no budget?  Nevermind.

I Probably Misquoted Myself

I've had no time to blog lately.  I try to be a good boy, and post every day or so, but I fail. 

The internet age has given me an entirely new arena in which to feel guilty.

I did have nice podcastic conversation with Tim Reed.  It's about church and preaching and Kamp Krusty and stuff. 

I apologize in advance for the following:

A) I probably didn't say stuff the right way.  I may have been too relaxed, chilling, as I was, at home, while petting Nigel, our three-legged beagle.  Please remember that I speak for no one but me:  not my employer, not my friends, not our little church community here.  I do probably speak for my wife, who agrees with me on all this stuff.

B)  I used a microphone that cost less than $5.  It sounds like I stole it from the Hardee's drive-thru.  My fault.

Tim Reed is a pastor, and one amazingly kind person, in addition to being insightful.  I can't listen to the podcast, though, because -- odd, given I'm a radio host -- I drive me crazy. 

If you listen, and have some thoughts, please hit me.  Metaphorically.

Together, We Can Help God Be Relevant

You sure can't blame people for trying to make the Gospel relevant.  Maybe the youth minister-fellers are onto something, and "Halo 3" is the way to go, to somehow, some way, reach people.  We've simply got to find a way to make things relevant. 

In the past, the Gospel of Jesus -- the good news of the Kingdom -- may have, itself, been relevant.  But these are different times, and you've got to be relevant, above all.

True,the good news that Jesus shared (not the Four Spiritual Laws, but the gospel according to Jesus) occasionally can almost seem to speak to our lives, on its own.  But that's only when Jesus talks about being set free from anxiety, I think.  That may be timely, since our culture is wracked with anxiety.

And then there's the whole how-to-handle-anger thing.  That, okay, is somewhat relevant for me.

And the explanation of how God's economy works -- what ultimately matters.  What's lasting, what we should work for, what we should concern ourselves with, what we should and shouldn't treasure, what we do with our treasure, how we view our neighbors, what true "greatness" is -- all that stuff -- that has some bearing.

And then there are the implications for human psychology, the revelation of our true natures, the understanding of the human conscience;  the stuff about politics, like where our ultimate citizenship lies, how to address those in power, and how God feels about injustice.

So, yeah, there's that.

For me, I'll admit the good news of the Kingdom kinda helps me understand what the point of my life is, how I should view those on the margins of society, how I'm to behave around "the least of these", why I should put up with obnoxious people, and how I should talk, about those who frustrate me, when they're not around.

As a human male, I admit to at least a passing interest in the implications of the way the Kingdom works on how I view women.  The Smartest Teacher Who Ever Lived explained where my sexual rebellion can begin, before it might rip my family to smithereens.  That's somewhat relevant.

How I spend my time.  How I address my parents.  How I raise my kids.  What I buy.  The words I form with my mouth.  The way I judge others -- man, do I judge others -- and how I can avoid it.  How I should pray.  How I should share.  How I shouldn't always be nice.  Whom I should attract, and whom I should, by my very commitments, threaten.    How I should respond to suffering.  What I should be preparing for.  How I can find contentment.  How I can laugh a pure laugh.  How I can stop hating myself.  What love is.  What God is doing in the world.  How I can play a role in the restoration of the world.Why art matters.  Why creation matters.  Why you matter.  Why I should work, why I should cry, and why I should party like it's 99 A.D.  And, of course, what God has in store for us.  There's that, too.

Or, maybe, the "Gospel" is purely about going to heaven and not hell and stuff.  In that case, maybe pretending to kill fake aliens on a TV can bring some relevance.  Or, maybe all that stuff above?  Maybe it's not as relevant when it comes to getting people in our buildings and "plugged in" to our programs.

Maybe they're onto something.

Excuse Me While I Single-Handedly Neutralize Al-Qaeda

Alan, in his book, points out that Al-Qaeda is almost impossible to stop.  This is, in large part, due to the way its message works, and the way the work gets carried out.  And he's absolutely right.

So, in the service of national defense, I propose the following, in order to effectively neutralize the movement.  Let's get Al-Qaeda to...

1)  Complexify the message

Right now, it's so simple, it can pass from one to the next, and be easily grasped by the uneducated, the young -- everyone.  This is dangerous, because it's highly contagious, and people on the street feel capable of enlisting others in the cause. 

2)  Construct a less "flat", more hierarchical structure

Currently, small, underground groups can move nimbly and autonomously, complicating efforts to thwart them.  A more regimented, stratified approach, where some members are left thinking, "I can't know enough to do anything" would bring the movement to a halt.

3)  Foster "expert" culture, and barriers to entry to the expert class

Promote the idea that the message is not only highly complex, but only some can truly understand it.  Construct extensive barriers to entry to the presumed expert class.  Promote idea that cells lacking a certified member of expert class, it is not equipped to be activated.

4) Focus on knowledge, rather than doing

Complexification and expert-class development will make cells spend immense amounts of time studying the work, even debating theories of the work, rather than doing it.  Better yet...

5) Equate STUDYING the work with the work itself

The cells are called to ACT, of course.  But if we can convince operatives that the work, itself, is in trying to understand the complexity of the work?  They'll be effectively neutered.  We need to get them to spend large amounts of time in study, gathering to study, believing they don't know enough, hiring new experts to teach them again and again, and attending teaching events.

They'll actually believe they're doing their work when they attend events held by experts.  This will render the cell, and the whole movement, harmless!  Convince them that the most radicalized, militant among them are merely called to bring other non-activated members to the cell events.

6) Sabotage cell multiplication

VERY important!  Cells that operate under simple principles, with motivated operatives, devoted to multiplication?  Very, very dangerous, fast-growing, and pop-culture endangering.  We must stop this in its tracks, and this is done in multiple ways: 

A)  Foster egos and small-time celebrity.  By convincing operatives to set up individual fiefdoms, fewer autonomous cells will be activated.  Rather, the emphasis will be on building larger individual cells with numerous unactivated members.

B)  Make the basic structure highly difficult to replicate.  Al-Qaeda cells currently are, by necessity, simply-structured and easily replicated.  Propagate idea that for cells to begin, planning, experts and capital must be simultaneously accumulated.  Expert motivational speakers will be necessary, plus paid staff with highly specific training and talents.  Operatives will see massively "successful" large cells, and attempt to duplicate them, with very limited success because of the huge inputs required.  This will greatly inhibit growth.

C)  Convince philosophically-aligned, but non-active, members to choose from among most entertaining, high quality, cells that offer services for them. Not only will this engender a harmless, internal focus, it will require IMMENSE amounts of resources and energy.

7) Make operatives really, really busy. 

Replace simple, animating mission with lengthy lists, charts, and programs for cell maintanance.  Convince them that this institutional maintenance is, actually, the mission, itself.

This will leave them will no actual time for conducting actual mission.

8)  Get Al-Qaeda to seek governmental approval. 

Offer tax incentives if necessary.  The larger cells, requiring large edifices, will also require tremendous amounts of capital.  This will also allow a measure of control, to threaten the cell's tax status, thereby threatening funds for internal programs, when necessary.

Better:  They'll consider actual operational cells that exist without this governmental approval to be, themselves, invalid!

9)  Co-opt Al-Qaeda with the larger culture. 

Once members are convinced that cell maintenance and study are actually their "mission", the rest of their lives can be harmlessly integrated with the culture at large.  They'll be indistinguishable from non-members, and, because of their new understanding of "mission", effectively equivalent to non-members.

10)  Convince members to wear Al-Qaeda t-shirts with funny sayings and stuff.

Mission accomplished. 

It'll work to thwart an evil message.  It even works with the good ones.

Gag Us, One and All

I hate the news. 

Not just this kinda news, in particular, about Mark Foley, our local congressman.  All news.

This is a problem, as I have a degree in journalism, and write and deliver the news every day.  But I hate it, hate it, hate it. 

If I never see another USA Today or Washington Post; never watch another network newscast; never again see CNN or FOX News-babes again; never happen across another hyperventilating drudgereport headline; or, for that matter, read headlines on Drudge about how the Post is writing about FOX's coverage of Katie Couric's debut at CBS -- well, I'll be mighty fine with that. 

Spiritually nourished, even.

I'm quite serious.  Let me ask this question:  When is the last time you saw something on the news that actually mattered, that minute, to how you needed to live your life?  "Oh -- THAT happened?  I'm glad I found out NOW, because now I need to..."

Bottom line:  The manner in which the news is delivered is itself a lie, because it implicitly demands that you regard it, RIGHTNOW, as immediately important, but it almost never, ever really is. 

The timpani-drums that signal every approaching newscast are saying, quite clearly, that it matters that you know, and now.  But the timpanis lie.

This isn't saying that, for example, a given story isn't indicative of something truly important.  A young woman's lost life in Aruba is important, isn't it? 

Well...Natalee Holloway's life is very important.  But it's not important at all that I, Brant Hansen, know about her.  Yet, it's stunning that I know about her, given that I never once tried to find anything out.  I can actually discuss some aspects of the JonBenet Ramsey case, though I've actively run away, at every turn, from coverage of her for ten years.

Some say they need to know the news, so they "know how to pray".  Okay.  If you pray that much, I admire you.  I wish I prayed more, so much that I covered my neighbors and friends and enemies and my family and then went on to the plane crash in the Amazon.

If it weren't my job, I'd be done with the daily news.  If it's important, if it's something I need to know, I'll find out soon enough.  And, maybe, when I find out, I'll actually have some context in which to place the headline.  Or, maybe I'd completely miss a major news story that, it turns out, didn't.  matter.  at.  all.  (John Michael Karr, anyone?  Why did I have to know about this guy?)

John Sommerville teaches at the University of Florida, and wrote a sweet little book How the News Makes Us Dumb.  The title itself is insulting (am I getting dumber?) and right on (yes, yes, I am, to the extent that my time is spent reading and consuming this unimportant crap.)  Part of his treatise is that we have lost, as a culture, the ability to discern what is important, and what is not, and our news-culture bears much the blame for this. 

I have a working definition of wisdom:  I am wise to the extent that I know the relative value of things.  What is more important: this...or this?  Summerville says news culture is foolish culture, because it breaks down our abillty to discern what really matters.  Your neighbor's marriage is breaking up, but wait -- trumpets are blaring about Tony Blair.

Think about it:  Regardless whether anything newsworthy happens in a given day, CBS will be signing on at 6, full of self-importance, pounding home that something BIG, did, indeed, happen today. 

And CNN, FOX, MSNBC -- even worse.  All day long, crawling text that just! couldn't! wait!  The crawl right now:  "British paper posts new pre-Sept 11 video...Google buys garage where it was born..."  Thanks. Now I know how to proceed with life.

Meantime, I have no idea what's going on with humans in my midst.  War is truly vitally important, yes.  AIDS in Africa -- vitally important, yes.  That's why some reflective thinking is in order, but who's got time?  Or the silence?

So what if I didn't read the Palm Beach Post?  What if I didn't watch any news?  What if I spent all that time actually relating to people, reading great literary works, writing...praying? 

Well, Brant, then you'd miss the big stuff.  How would you know the twin towers were attacked?

Someone would tell me.  Then I'd pick up a newspaper.  Even if it were a day old, I could read it.  We put a man on the moon? -- cool.  I'll buy a paper.  Other days, I'll be a little more contemplative, almost without trying.

Or what if I didn't get to read Mark Foley's emails?  What if I didn't know the latest Al Gore hypocrisy?  What about Andrew Card's real feelings on Donald Rumsfeld?  What about the sicko school shooting in Colorado last week?  What if -- what if I didn't know about it, and spent time and effort on things, and relationships, I can actually do something about?

Man, I'd be out of it.  "Uninformed"

I'll take it.