As you know, I look for opportunities -- I relish them, really -- to personally defeat you at things. One-on-one, mano-a-mano. Me vs. You.
Now, it's the Tranquilize the Runaway Sheep Game that tests your reaction time.
I scored a .156 second reaction time. Good luck!
...chump.
Once again, I've been nominated for yet another huge award.
I leave for Nashville tomorrow morning, where I'll be whisked from the airport aboard a Gray Line bus to some hotel. And on Sunday, there will be a big lunch thing, and at that lunch thing, they will announce the Echo Awards "Radio Personality of the Year".
This latest honor would follow a string of awards:
1) "Mr. Hustle" -- Assumption, Illinois Little League, 1982
-
So it's kind of embarrassing, but it's like every time I turn around it's, "Oh, here's another award."
"Mr. Hustle", and now, 26 years later, wham! -- another one. As before noted, I played eight years of baseball, and batted .000 for my entire career. Eight years. Let me tell you, it's not easy to "hustle" when you don't actually leave the batter's box. You have a very confined area in which to "hustle". I suppose I did deserve an award, for hustling within a 3 x 7 foot box.
I don't expect to win. I'm one of five nominees in my category, and the whole thing is kind of mysterious. I know only this: Whoever nominates hasn't actually heard me on the radio.
I'll let you know how it goes. These award things are silly, really! They just are. Silliness! And I don't think our medium should be about "competing" when we should be all about the Kingdom, so, just, you know, keep me in mind this weekend, that's all, and pray that my opponents will be humbled, brought to their knees, awestruck by my acceptance speech, paralyzed with crippling jealousy, and that everyone just has a good time of fellowship.
One neat thing about the internet: It allows me to personally defeat you at awesomely cool games like this. (My end-game "travel I.Q. score" was 117. And I'm American!)
Think of it: Heretofore, I'd have needed to wade through logistics and great expense to leave sunny South Florida and eventually arrive in person at your doorstep in cloudy Whereverville, in order to reign victorious over you.
Now, I needn't even know you -- I can just win! And you needn't involve yourself in my life, you can just line up for a beat-down from an accordion-playing nobody. Nothing personal; It's just that I, personally, will personally defeat your personal self.
Boo-ya, whoever! -- in love. Thanks, Monica, for sending me the link so I could beat you first.
I just wish you could watch my awesome Dance of Victory. I'm working on a hologram.
Let's fight!!!
Let's argue about whatever!! Right here, in this comments thread!!!!!
Seriously!!! I think it would be fun!!!!
Let's have the hugest, most un-productive, flame-y comment thread in history!!! I'll get it started!!!
After a month of quiet anticipation, advent-calendaring, candle-lighting, nativity-arranging, and reflection, the Hansens re-enacted the giving of the Wise Men of yore, tearfully exchanging gifts of peace, great value and meaning.
Hearts were touched. Robotic heads were slugged.
---------
What cool thing did you get? Not that Christmas is about getting. It's not. No. Obviously.
But seriously: Any awesome stuff?
I snagged my own pedometer! Top that, chump-reader-person!
Mirth! Merriment!
An assembly of game players, drawn from high schools from around the United States, now performing with matching "Illinois"-themed uniforms, has outscored a highly-regarded opponent in an American-style Football Game!
Should I respond? Oh yes. I will respond, and I will respond with unfettered glee.
1) I'm going to purchase, then wear, university-themed, licensed sportswear!
2) I'm going to purchase and display a university-themed "car flag"!
3) I'm going to continue to link my own self-worth with this particular group of games-men, none of whom I actually know, and will refer to them as "we"!
4) I'm going to talk about what "we" did with sporty-type friends!
I hope we keep winning! Then, our coach, whom I don't know, can get a raise, and maybe our athletic director, whom I don't know, too! I'll be very proud if they can make more in yearly income than their equivalents at far-flung universities in Michigan or Florida!
I feel very good about ourselves about now! Imagine a Rose Bowl invitation! We'll have a great time! I mean, I can't be there, but we can be there, and just to know that other people affiliated with the University I was affiliated with are paying to travel to view a competition like that -- woo!
The university's athletic department would financially profit by selling image-rights for the event! I'll be able to view the images through my home television set, and, in exchange, I'll happily also view messages from corporations who want all of my money! I may discover new needs, and patronize those corporations!
Go us!
Check me out I fixed my problem of losing my keys and phone and stuff and it even looks awesome thanks.
I have a little problem with being absent-minded. At any given moment, I have no idea where my wallet, keys, or phone are. No clue. This fixes it, and even looks awesome.
(True story: I left our checkbook at Walgreen's. The old lady cashier called and talked to my wife. My wife told me. I went to pick it up and got distracted by some Orbit gum. I got home and my wife said the Walgreen's lady called again and I left the checkbook again. I went to pick it up and got distracted by some CornNuts. I got home and my wife said the Walgreen's lady called again and I left the checkbook again.)
1. Rip off a hunk of duct tape long enough to go around your bicep. (For me: Approx. 36 inches. For you: Approx 3 inches.)
2. Wear the tape sticky-side out.
3. Stick stuff to it.
4. Walk around all cool and stuff.
I was the President of the Illinois Student Librarians Association.
That's right, partner. I was not only in Library Club, I was not only the President of my local Library Club, I not only attended the Illinois Student Librarians Association conventions, I was the President of it. All of it.
At our social events, we played Dewey Decimal Bingo.
We had two conventions: A Fall Convention, and a Spring Convention. The Fall Convention was entirely devoted to planning the Spring Convention.
The Spring Convention was entirely devoted to planning the Fall Convention.
As President, I presided over both conventions. I ran on a platform of having the Spring Convention at a Holidome so we could play ping-pong.*
I went to a small, football-mad high school in rural Illinois. I got a letter -- for keeping statistics. They took a team picture with me in it, and framed it with an individual shot, at mid-field, of me kneeling down with my clipboard.
I also play the flute.
* -- The I.S.L.A., after an 80-year history involving more than 200 schools, voted to disband under my presidency, at the Spring Convention.
Please -- and I'm asking politely -- allow me to crush you at this map game. It tests your geography knowledge.
I spent a long, long time in the reference section of my library, just staring at maps. I'm quite serious about this. While other high schoolers were "playing sports", and "dating", and "developing social skills", I learned maps.
I can Etch-a-Sketch the entire U.S. from memory. Everyone is a part of the Body, and has a role to play. Yes, mine is seemingly a fairly limited role in the Kingdom.
Anyway, I scored 49 out of 51. 96.7%, with an "average deviation" of 1 mile.
Try and beat that, normal person with "friends".
Recent Comments