Letters from Kamp Krusty

Every Time My Youth Group Left the Church Building, We Were Beaten Senseless

I was a full-time "youth minister" for about four years.  I remember some good times, sure, but I also remember that every time we left the church building, we were beaten senseless.  All of us -- students, sponsors, interns, meddling parents -- everyone.

If I only had this.  (Thanks, Mike C., for the link.)

In retrospect, rather than watch my entire youth group being repeatedly attacked every time we left the building, I should have put my hands on my head and started swinging my elbows around.  But hindsight is always 20/20.

The youth minister in the video with the dreads nails it:  You do not know what's going to happen to you when you venture outside the four walls of the church.  It's CRAZY out there. 

I programmed a lot of programs, and each time we left the building, we were all, without exception, given a beat-down.  To this day, when someone says, "Polaroid Scavenger Hunt", I shudder, and am haunted by those...those pictures. 

There's a reason we did a lot of lock-ins, folks.

Like the guy says, noting the oft-quoted scripture, "Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you have to get stomped on."    I wish I would've thought about that.  And he says you have to take responsibility for your flock. 

People are brutal out there.  Wow.  I learned that lesson in a hard, albeit acrobatically-spectacular way, during our big "ChinaTown Outreach '97".

Be careful when you leave the four walls of church.  Maybe just don't.

Shocking News: Idealistic Middle-Aged Guy Likes New U2 Album

Jupiter, FL --  A 39 year-old, white, American male really likes the new U2 album, "No Line on the Horizon".

Apparently, according to Brant Hansen, the album features some "soaring, chime-y guitars" and anthemic choruses. 

He likes that. 

Again.

"Yep, it's pretty awesome...again," he says.  "I can't help it.  I'm sorry."

Hansen listened to the whole awesome album, and read all the awesome lyrics.  It turns out, on this album, U2 uses a lot of allusions to Jesus-centered spirituality. 

"I really like 'Magnificent', in particular, lyrically.  But there's a LOT of good stuff here.  Bono does say the word 'shitty' once, but he's Irish, so it's okay, because in Ireland, it just means 'crappy', which just means, 'poopy', if you think about it."

"I really, really like it.   I predict it will sell millions of copies, not get played on Christian radio, and 'worship bands' will do 'special music' numbers with the songs.  That's what I predict."

When asked if he would listen to it repeatedly for the next 20 years, drive it into the ground for everyone around him, learn the songs on guitar, sing them all with annoying not-quite-Bono affectations, and pretty much find all other bands inferior, forever, he replied, "That is my plan."

This U2 album comes with pictures, including several of the band not looking at the camera.

I So Want This Framed

HT:  Chris L.

Here's Last Night's "24" Recap, Family-Friendly Style. Except for the Violence.

I Found This Bible by a "John MacArthur" and It's Kinda Wimpy

I don't like it when people water down the Truth.  I'm always on the lookout for that.  I kind of see that as my role.  It's kind of a cool role.  Even kinda manly.

Anyway, I was in "Books-a-Million" yesterday.  They some Bibles there.  And Bible covers.  One was leather, with "NFL" on it, and laces on the spine.  That was kinda cool, because it would kinda look like you were carrying a football, but you really had a Bible.

"Books-a-Million" is a Non-Christian Bookstore, which means you have to use extra discernment (TM) in there.

Case in point:  There's this "John MacArthur Study Bible".  I don't know much about John MacArthur, but apparently, he likes to kinda dilute stuff.  I flipped open to Matthew 23, where, as everyone knows, Jesus climbs the turnbuckles, and goes off the top rope onto the religious teachers who thought they were big stuff.  Or, at least, that's what I thought:

But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. They tie up heavy loads and put them on men's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them.

MacArthur says that doesn't really catch it, though.  Jesus really meant that religious teachers shouldn't tie up loads that aren't Bible-based and put them on people's backs.  Biblical loads?  Go ahead.  

So I guess Jesus wasn't so rad after all.  He was just saying they were putting the wrong loads on people.  Bible-centered weights?  Well, hey, you need those, and that's what we teachers are for, I reckon.

Then Jesus says this:

Nor are you to be called 'teacher,' for you have one Teacher, the Christ. The greatest among you will be your servant.

Or...not.  This feller MacArthur lets us know that what Jesus really meant, here, is that you can look at a guy as your "Teacher", and yeah, in fact, you really probably actually should.  Jesus wasn't some wild man, folks. 

Which stinks for me, because I kinda like Jesus as wild man.

Then I flip to where Paul is writing about the "terror of the Lord" -- "phobos", which means like, "terror" -- and MacArthur says to chill:  Paul really means don't get all, you know, phobic.  Just have a big-time respect for God. 

Okay, but...it's just kinda...wimpy.

Anyway, maybe the rest of it is awesome, but I put it down after a couple minutes.  And I saw they had a Thomas Kinkade mug-thing seemingly just like the one at the Christian bookstore.

I don't want to criticize this fellow's Study Bible.  Everybody has a God-given right, in this country, by golly, to write their own Study Bible, and I will defend that right -- the one to write a Study Bible -- to the death.  I just don't think people should water down the Truth.  They shouldn't make it less dangerous, or less scandalous, or less offensive, or less shocking.  Or less bold.  Or -- you know-- less manly.   I'm not saying he' s a false teacher, but beware false teachers.

That's my opinion.

Non-Compete Clauses for Churches? Makes Sense to Me

I heard about this recently:  A church staffer had signed a non-compete agreement with a church, then wanted to leave for another one within the proscribed radius.  (He wasn't supposed to leave for a position at another church within a 30 mile radius, I believe.  Apparently, this is pretty standard fare for church non-competes.)

Now, some might say, "A NON-COMPETE AGREEMENT IN A CHURCH STAFF CONTRACT???"  and wonder what in the hellck has happened to us.  But I'm way past that.  I'm told you've got to accept this is the way some churches operate, and they do a lot of good, and plus we shouldn't criticize, and you know, what if someone on staff leaves and it takes people away? and so forth. 

Right on.  Now that I think about it, and get past my wild, idealistic, primitivist "Why-are-we-doing-this?" impluses, I can see why.  It just makes sense:

1)  Non-competes are very common.  Businesses simply have to protect themselves.

2)  Churches could lose clients to competing churches.  Until churches sign clients to binding contracts, a la, a gym membership, clients are free agents, and able to avail themselves of the products and services marketed by churches in competition. 

Today's church consumers are fickle.

3)  Loss of clients could result in a decline in revenue streams to the church/business.  This would emperil revenue growth, physical plant expansion, marketing, and ultimately, profit.

4)  Churches must protect what, legally, are termed "trade secrets".  These are key processes, methods, or devices that have previously given a business a competitive advantage. 

A staff member could leave a successful church for a competing church, and divulge secrets that may help the new church lure customers -- perhaps even key, revenue-producing clients -- away from the original business.  This could result in "pirating".

This is important, because in a given market area, there is a very limited number of people in the target, middle-to-upper-class demographic who might be attracted to churches selling virtually the same worship experience, services and products for youth, support groups, etc.  Each customer unit, then, is vital to revenue growth. 

5)  Customers "imprint" upon certain employees.  Not all church clients are able to develop one-on-one relationships with the CEO/face of the organization.  Like all other businesses, churches need to recognize the threat of another competing church being founded by departing employees/production units. 

Employees/Career Christians/Brothers in Christ will often invoke religious "calling" terminology to justify this, which is all the more reason to spell out, contractually, that "God" will not be "calling you" to a ministry within 30 miles. 

God's signature, or other involvement, is not required.

Yes, Yes...Of Course

(NRB story continued, since I just got the picture from my friend, Matt) 

...and that's how I fulfilled a life-long dream of getting kicked off TBN, because after Paul Crouch magically appeared with entourage, he instructed Jesus, a camel, George W., Sarah Palin, and some Roman guards, and some other guy to gather 'round, and he started interviewing everybody, and I stayed in the shot, nodding knowingly, "Of course...of course...", stroking my chin, until a producer noticed me and told me to leave.

Yes, This Review Was Helpful to Me

There have been a lot of reviews of The Shack. 

As far as the decidedly negative ones go, this is by far the most coherent I've read. 

Truth is truth. 

(HT:  Doug Hannah)

In Case You Missed It: Some Sexy Churches are Sexually Talking About Sexual Sex

Hmmm. 

Okay.  This is a spreading deal.  So, let me follow this...

Premise 1)  Churches should teach about sex

Premise 2)  Sex sometimes involves sex toys

Premise 3)  Church teaching = a guy standing in front of relative strangers in a large lecture environment

Ergo, churches should have a guy standing in front of relative strangers, in a large lecture evironment, talking about sex toys

-------------------

Or, maybe:

1)  Sex positions are relevant

2)  Churches must try -- somehow! -- to be relevant

3)  Church teaching = a guy standing in front of relative strangers, in a large lecture environment

Ergo, churches should have a relevant guy standing in front of relative strangers, talking about relevant sex positions.

-------------------

Or, maybe:

1)  Sex is pretty dang interesting

2)  We're pretty much not

3)  "Church" = a guy standing in front of relative strangers, in a large lecture environment

Ergo, let's have a guy stand up and talk to relative strangers, in a large lecture environment, about masturbation and stuff.

-------------------

Or, maybe:

1)  Christians have sex, too.

2)  "Church" = a guy standing in front of relative strangers, in a large lecture envinroment

3)  That guy really likes having sex

Ergo, let's have a guy stand up and talk to relative strangers, in a large lecture environment, about how he likes having sex, too.

-------------------

How about:

1)  Sex is a gift from God, and a key part of our very nature

2)  The church must teach about this

3)  A large lecture format is hardly the best, most appropriate way to do this, given varied backgrounds, uncomfortabilities given people sitting next to strangers or opposite sex friends, very real likelihood of unresolved past/current abuse situations, etc.

Ergo, this may sound crazy, but church teaching doesn't require some guy standing up in front of relative strangers in a large lecture environment.

Please Help Me Launch My T-Shirt Business: Christian T-Shirts that Christians Won't Like

Seriously.

Mostly.  I mean, I'm Mr. Idea, and not often Mr. Follow-Through.  But this one's so easy, I might actually get it done.  Or maybe you could do it for me.

I want to launch a line of Christian t-shirts that are so truly Christian, Christians won't wear them. 

I want Christian t-shirts with things Jesus said, true to context.  Or maybe some other bit of scripture.  I want to sell them at Big Christian Events.

I want the Biblical passages that Christian bookstores will, awkwardly, refuse to stock.  And nothing like, say, Ezekiel 23:20.  I mean, that would be classic, but something more substantive.

Proceeds to Compassion International. 

Any nominations?