Kamp Krusty offers another in its Point-Counterpoint Series. At issue, the effect of Brant's new car on his public perception.
By Brant Hansen
My "new" car is cool. I'm the driver of a cool car. I'm a cool-car driver.
Brant Hansen, cool-car driver. "Hi, I'm Brant...yeah...oh, me? -- yeah. I drive that. Why yes, it is cool. Thank you."
I'm going to like this.
I bought it, and friends told me it was out of my idiom. But that just shows I have a dynamic idiom. I am always changing. Now, I can put the top down on my superfast car, and people look at me and I know what they're thinking: "That guy is cool, so let's accept him and offer him affirmation by including him in our social interactions and/or events if possible."
I had a convertible, but it was boxy and old and the ragtop actually blew up like a balloon when I drove on the highway, like a big ballooon, or maybe a bouncy house, or maybe like the helmet from The Great Gazoo on The Flintstones, and I was told it looked stupid.
But this car is cool. Ergo, I am cool. Just like the guys in my high school who people liked. Those people who liked them will now like me.
By Doug Hannah, friend of Brant
No, Brant. No, it doesn't. Your car does not make you look like one of those cool people. You're still a dork from Assumption, Illinois.
I will give you this: what the car does do is demonstrate how dangerous it is for someone with Nystagmus disease whose eyeballs creepily wander all over the place, to be commandeering the highways of South Florida in a convertible.
Oh yeah, let's talk about the convertible. While I'm sure the thought-bubble above your head prior to purchase showed you cruising down A1A looking sweet and hot, the real picture is more sobering: You're pushing 40, you think toasters that cook 4 pieces are cutting-edge technology, and you once got lost in a neighborhood while jogging and had to call Carolyn from a stranger's kitchen to come find you. ITEM! None of this has changed. Except now, you're compensating for it by unbuttoning your shirt a bit and rolling at the posted speed limit in a used Mitsubishi.
We're all real proud of you, David Hasselhoff.