It's called "Asperger Syndrome", and it's my very own syndrome!
It's kind of an awesome syndrome to have, because it totally explains everything.
Everything. Seriously. Freak out.
Like my undying fixation with toast. My inability to understand (or even care about) small talk. My "go thither" body language. My almost unworldly ability to lose everything. (I've left my car at the gym, walked home, then panicked when my car wasn't in front of our house the next day.) "Asperger Syndrome" explains why I didn't have any dates in high school. It explains why I'm idealistic and have a thing about defending children and animals. And why I was President of Library Club. And why I failed as a pie shop waiter. And why I can't do some stuff right.
Total explanatory power. That, my friends, is a heck of a cool syndrome.
Freaky: When I was little -- like two -- I had a crew-cut and glasses, and I spoke with perfect diction. I resented "baby talk", and told people so, even correcting their mispronunciations. My mom says people called me "Little Professor". And here's what the wiki thing says about Asperger Syndrome:
Children with AS may have an unusually sophisticated vocabulary at a young age and have been colloquially called "little professors"...
Of course, "little professor" is a nice way of saying, "annoying nerdlet who needs to shut up", but it explains, as I say, a lot.*
I can relate to people now, but couldn't do it very well as a high schooler. Fact is, I've learned to "act" -- literally, "act" -- like a normal adult. I figuratively wear a "WWNPD?" bracelet. ("What Would a Normal Person Do?")
In social situations, I constantly try to act like I suspect a normal person would, even though I don't understand why they do it. Normal People? You're aliens. I study your ways, for they intrigue me.
Anyway, if you like this Syndrome, and want it for your very own, here's a test you can take. There are lots of books about it.
My wife now knows why I don't like light, gentle touch, or why interruptions are greeted with an immediate, and unwitting, over-fierce reaction. (I'm working on all this, I promise. This diagnosis is no excuse for mistreating people.) I am now a Syndrome Guy, and it's weird, but I'm kinda relieved.
* --It does not explain the accordion.