Happy are the Spiritually Bankrupt

You know that feeling, when God is right there, thisclose, and you can just feel His loving arms around you, and you can literally hear His voice, whispering in your ear, telling you how much He loves you?  

I don't. 

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Jesus said, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."  I'm not sure what that means.  But I think Dallas Willard was the one writing about how "Blessed are the poor in spirit" really means, "Good news!  In MY Kingdom, even the spiritually bankrupt get invites!" 

Oh, man, I hope he's right.  That would be great news for me.  Because I'm not very spiritual.  Never have been.  I've tried.  And I'll keep trying.  But I'm just not.  I don't feel much of anything a lot of the time.  I'm sorry.  

I know;  I probably won't be writing old-school hymns:  "And He walks with me, I think, and He talks with me, probably in some way, and He tells me I am His own, but generally not through an audible voice that I hear, at least in a non-metaphorical sense, and none other has ever known just how awkward it even is for me to talk about my faith, personally, and I know I should feel bad about that, too."

Maybe I'm still doing something wrong.  I've never come by faith easily.  I don't get swept up in swirling "powerful worship".  Shoot, I'm not even comfy in it.  I don't like praying out loud, even among friends.  

Could Jesus have been talking to people like me, the spiritually dry, when He was talking about how great the Kingdom is?  Maybe Jesus was saying, "Guess what?  When I'm in charge, it's good news even for the people who aren't all spiritual-y."

It means even I can participate!  I can get on this ride, even if I'm not as spiritually tall as this cut-out stand-up of Avalon.

I was thinking about this a lot this week, because I've been doing something ostensibly spiritual, presumably emotional, and -- surely! -- inspiring.  But I haven't felt spiritual, haven't been emotional, and haven't been inspired. 

Here I've been trying to help poor people with Compassion International, spending time in their homes, seeing their abject poverty, playing with little kids, all that stuff.  And I haven't felt much of anything.  I'm embarrassed telling you that.  I just haven't. 

Though no one has said as much, I feared my last blog (typed quickly in a busy airport) may come off as, "Check out what I did!" -- but the reality is quite the opposite.  I feared the whole project would fail because I had little to say.  Last time, from the slums of Nairobi, I cried during every call back to the radio station.  I felt it, man.  Every.  Single.  Call.  -- I'm choking up.  I couldn't help it.  The first couple times, I'm sure listeners found it endearing, like, "Wow, this guy's really spiritual."  By the end, after ten straight cry sessions, "Wow, this guy may not even be a guy."

Totally not normal for me, but it seemed to "work".  But how can I expect people to be moved, to do the right thing, to care for the poor, when I'm right THERE and I'm not feelin' it?  Answer:  It's not really about me, never was, never will be. 

I didn't do a great job this time -- not at all.  Never felt I had much to say.  I was completely exhausted.  And we wound up with 500 or so kids getting sponsored.   Now I'm home, and I feel like I went oh-for-five in Game 7 of the Series, but my team won the whole thing.  Praise the Lord and pop the cork.

The truth of Jesus is a two-edged sword, of course.  "Happy are the spiritually bankrupt" -- if that's the correct interpretation -- would sure bug some religious people, some people who really think they're spiritually rich.   But, hey, everything Jesus said bothers smug religious types.

And that, alone, makes me suspect Willard is on to something.