Excuse Me While My Brain is Being Re-Booted at Random Intervals

FAQ #1,421:  Brant, does your brain currently feel like it's been zapped by a series of electric shocks?

A:  Why yes, actually. 

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I'm "tapering" off a drug.  "Tapering" is pleasingly clinical term for "Brace yourself, chump."  "Tapering" means I can't turn around without getting seasick, and it feels like my brain is attached to jumper cables.  Zap. 

I've written about my little problem before, and a drug I hoped would help...?  It isn't.  I hoped it would give me energy.  It instead gave me a rare superpower:  I am now NapMan.  I can't NOT take a nap.  And it doesn't ever help.  I'm still sleepy.  I'm not sure, yet, how to fight crime with this superpower.

It's also given me the ability to quickly gain weight, but I see that there are plenty of other SuperHeroes with this power.  At Wal-Mart.

"My" "doctor" asked me how it was going.  I told him the medication was at least helping with my anger toward myself, which I've always had, and I appreciated that.  That was too deep for him, so he referred my to a psychiatrist.

I didn't want to go to a psychiatrist.  I have no faith in the psychiatric community, putting it mildly.   I imagined it had devolved from dispensing Freudian silliness to simply dispensing drugs.  But I went.  Perhaps I'd be surprised. 

I walked in to a tiny waiting room.  The coffee table was completely covered by stand-up drug literature boxes, each one asking a question.  "ADD/ADHD?"  "Trouble sleeping?"  "Sexual problems?"  "Bi-Polar?" -- there wasn't a spare inch on the table.

They called me in.  The lady doctor asked me a quick checklist of questions.  I think she looked at me once.  She asked, "Issues in childhood?"  I said, "Well, yeah, I mean I...yeah..."  Okay.  She checked that.  Then she said I should try Lexapro.

I told her fluoxetine was cheaper.  She said, okay, sure, and wrote a prescription, told me to taper off the old stuff, and I left.

Comments

[Spike]

Sounds like all those years of medical school really paid off.

Also, feel free to email me for information if you ever consider using your powers for evil. I can send you a brochure.

[Tracy Simmons]

Brant, very funny, as you always are, but I want to respond seriously for just a minute: Good for you to keep on pursuing what you need to do. I have several close friends who have had to go through numerous trials of meds to find the ones that worked for them (always seems to be Wellbutrin; I must be drawn to Wellbutrin-needing folks!). Then once they find the right med, they have to keep upping it to find the perfect dosage. So, just keep on doing what you need to do until you find what works from you. In the long haul, it's worth the effort.

P.S. I have some of those same toast crumbs in my brain.

[InHim]

A psychiatrist should be able to help you much more as far as drugs go than a regular doctor. And they might catch any misdiagnosed problems like Bipolar Disorder (which was the case for me) in addition to depression.

You need a new psychiatrist! This one sounds awful. If you aren't satisfied, go to someone else. I went through three before I found the one I have now.

[tim]

At the risk of being a bit flippant about a serious issue, I have to say that I like the fact that you had to write "actual" in front of "toast crumbs" as if we'd mistake it for metaphorical toast crumbs.

[Doug Hannah]

I have been (maybe am going) through the exact same thing.

It's uncanny.

[Brady]

I'm not angry at myself, but I have my own set of similar problems (if you must know, I'm angry about feeling guilty, because I'm ashamed of being afraid). If you are angry with yourself, then go somewhere private and ask yourself for forgiveness - it can't hurt and it's how you'd handle things if someone else were angry at you. Seriously.

[Jen]

The stuff you are taking is scary. My roommate was on Prozac, then paxil and finally lexapro. Her head zaps were so bad she couldn't even get out of bed. If she stood up she would puke and fall over. The doctors told her it couldn't be from the medication, but something else. Come to find out it was from the medication. I took cymbalta for the same reasons. Worked for a while and then it just stopped and didn't make me feel good anymore. It caused the zap's, but not as bad. Hope it gets better for you.

[Seth Ward]

Before you go to any shrink... ask them if they are Jungian or Freudian.

If Freudian, and your problem has nothing to do with an uncontrollable urge to say "that's what she said" after every single spoken word, then leave.

I Jungian, give it at least two sessions.

A Jungian guy did me some good a year or two ago. Very helpful.

I had read a bunch of Karl's stuff beforehand, but it took the right person to ask me the right questions to shake up a bunch of stuff down deep that didn't want to be shaken.

[M.E.]

Shaking my head.........I've heard that psychiatry had turned into a pill dispensing profession, but I didn't want to believe it. Whatever Freud might have believed, I hardly think he would approve of this kind of treatment.

Brant, I wish I knew what to say that would lead to the lifting the dark cloud over your heart and mind forever. I also wish I knew why you're so angry with yourself. You've hinted at having had a childhood that wasn't what it should have been and, of course, that makes me wonder. I do know that forgiveness is a process, sometimes a long one, not a single time event. We humans just aren't geared for it because our emotions color everything. I also know that self-forgiveness does not come easily to anyone with a sensitive conscience.

I don't know if you are looking for advice, so feel free to take this with a grain or two of salt. If you have a friend with whom you can talk about anything, absolutely anything, and who cares for you enough to tell you with love when you're full of it, it's time to give him/her a call. Your wife might end up being that person, but I tend to think you'd do better with someone a little more detached from your situation. Something (Someone?) tells me you have buried a lot of emotional pain and fear very deeply and it's rearing its ugly head as anger. Pills may numb the pain a bit, but they only treat the symptoms, not the infected wounds of the heart and soul. And, Brant, if you've ever prayed "Dear God, what the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I be happy?", know you're not alone.

Love and prayers are all I have to offer, Brant. Maybe together with that of friends and family and of so many others who love your blog, it will be enough.

Mary Ellen

[Edmund C.]

Brant,

I don't have all that much faith in the psychiatric profession either, and I just finished my psychiatry rotation in med school last week. But, I think they can do some good if they aren't wedded completely to the latest and greatest pills. Might not hurt to go find a therapist (a Christian one) to get some psychoanalysis. Studies have shown that some kinds of therapy work just as well as the drugs....

But the drugs do work. I'm ambivalent about them for some of the same reasons as your other commenters have said in this thread and others: I wonder how much of the great art and creations of Mankind would be here today had artists had access to SSRIs in past generations. There's something about angst that, while making life utterly miserable, ends up producing beautiful things. But there's also a big difference between a little melancholy and needing help getting through the day.

My one little piece of advice, for whatever it's worth: find a new psychiatrist, one that doesn't have drug ads all over the office. Or, at least find one that realizes that Lexapro is just a really expensive new toy that works no better than old ones. It's almost exactly the same thing as dirt-cheap Celexa, only just the active isomer (so you only need to take half as much of it).

And I'll try to remember to keep you in my prayers over the coming weeks.

[Monica Battaile]

Yeah, you need a new psychiatrist.

At the risk of being inappropriate because, hey, isn't that what we do here?, I will now use my superpower of "inappropriately timed humor" - here is a fun article to make you smile between the zaps:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080411/od_afp/uscrimeenvironmentiguanasoffbeat

And then there's my son. His butt smells like cherry diarrhea. Why, you may ask? Why, because I had to paint his little backside with Maalox, of course. It was a toss-up between cherry and mint. Cherry won out.

There, I have used MY superpowers for good and not evil. Feel better, oh Zapped One.

[MamasBoy]

I know somebody who was recently advised to consider going on a "happy" drug by their counselor. However, they were also advised to be sure to continue counseling if they went on drugs and not just rely on the drugs. That struck me as probably being very good advice. Perhaps drugs that affect the brain are benign overall, but the unmonitored taking of them would make me nervous. It is a rather important part of the body and messing with it strikes me as risky given the level of knowledge (or lack of it) that doctors have today.

God bless your search for help in this difficult area. I'll be praying for you.

MB

[Sam]

Brant:
Been there, done that and getting zapped now because instead of tapering I got to go cold turkey when I could afford to get the Wellbutrin refilled.
At least there's plenty of adderall left.
Thanks for speaking up and in turn making me think it's okay to speak up. Course, now everyone at church is eyeing me funny and won't leave their kids alone with mine.
-Sam

[Bob Sacamento]

Brant,

Thanks for your honesty. Ever thought of turning pain into art? you could expand this post into a short story or even a novel -- or heck, an entire trilogy -- that would leave people laughing and crying all across the country.

In the mean time, there are still professional counselors out there who will try to deal with your emotions for real. I know this because .... well, never mind. I just know it. That's all that matters. Maybe your doctor or someone in the clergy, if you can bring yourself to talk to them ;), can refer you to one of these folks. Or maybe you don't want advice at all, but you must have known it was coming. :)

Also, being an SEC football fan who came to loathe Steve Spurrier, I know what you about the pain center thing.

[Mr. Hussel]

Take care to avoid severe blows to the back of your head. Clinical studies have shown that the migration of toast crumbs into the kinesthetic memory center could trigger a seizure. It would be a small seizure, not quite as debilitating as a grand mal. Actually, its just like, its just like, a mini-mal.

[sonja]

I go to a psychiatrist as well ... mostly because in addition to a little problem I also have major electrical storms in my brain that have to be controlled with medication (this is sometimes called a seizure disorder). So I need to have a lot of things balanced out.

Anyway, the first time I met my psychiatrist I was a little put off because sort of the same thing happened. He barely looked at me and gave me some medication and I left. But I kept going to him and over time (I think it's been two years now) he's become one of my best advocates.

I've been through several sets of meds before settling on what I'm taking now (Cymbalta), it can take time, but I think the most important thing is making sure that you speak very openly with your doctor. If you can't do that (and it can take a little time to establish this relationship), then you'll want to explore changing docs. I've found that having a good relationship with my prescribing physician is a real key to this whole thing.

[Bret]

Howdy,
Have you ever read any books by Thomas Moore, in particular Care of the Soul or Dark Nights of the Soul? I have found them of immeasurable help in dealing with my anxiety.

[Coralie]

You've received an enormous amount of advice, and I'm sure I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg here, but have you considered a nouthetic counselor? There is a great deal to be said for counseling from a biblical standpoint.

Just my 2 cents.

[Susan Fickling]

Brant, you don't know me but we have the same Heavenly Daddy. I have travelled some of this road you are on--I think. I am currently pursuing something called NAET and it seems to be helping me tremendously. My husband and I have 5 adopted children and two have gone/are going through this treatment also with good results. Check into it. NAET.com. Please feel free to contact me for further information. It's not a faith issue. Grace to you.

[deemus]

Brandt:

Two serious posts in a week? Thanks for sharing with us. Sometimes, the pain is lessened by letting it out. But whether that's the case or not it helped me understand this better.

My sister in law is bi-polar. For years I just thought she was a bitch. Wow, she was scorched earth waiting to happen. My wife is a meek little sweet thing, and a couple of times, BP toasted her without reason, and without warning.

But within the last 3 years we learned she was BP. She is a very pretty, petite, amazingly talented woman even without the meds. But with the meds we are no longer afraid to be around her.

For me its been hard to understand. Not that I have been without problems. But christian counseling worked for me. Alot of mine was fogiving myself, but if its chemical that won't solve all your ills I think.

Most of my issues were from having to fight when I was a kid. Two neighbor kids (two years older) decided it was their mission in life to make me miserable in life. The big kid is always a target, cause if you can take down the big kid (me) you get respect. (guys know I'm right)

I had, no joke, at least 200 fights with these kids. It finally stopped when I grew a little and got to the point that I could whip them both at the same time. But I was a believer (from age 6) and hated to fight. It tore me up inside.

I remember when I finally had a situation where I only had to fight one guy. I beat him to a bloody pulp, read hospital here. I hated to fight, but got to the point where my anger for being forced to fight by others overwhelmed me.

Once the fight started, I would black-out and not remember what happened. I would just "wake-up" on top of some guy's chest pounding his face.

It was a dark side of myself I loathed, because I am by nature a peacemaker. But if I was forced to fight, I would show no mercy and would go off on anyone who tried to stop me once I started.

At some point, everyone decided they no longer wished to pick fights with me. Because even though I would tolerate verbal abuse, and destroying my stuff, if they backed me into a corner (which is always what happened in my fights) and made me fight, it would become not so much fun for them.

Most people who know me would be shocked to know this. I am a very compassionate, caring person who is always the peacemaker. But when I am typing on my keyboard, I see the scars on my knuckles from handing out many beatings.

I never picked a fight. I hated to fight. But at some point, much like Kenny Rogers' song "Coward of the County," I decided it was time to stop running.

My dad threatened me if I got in trouble in school. And I did not want to dissapoint my dad, but I reached a breaking point. And when I did it killed a part of me inside.

Forgiveness was hard to come by. But God finally gave me the grace to forgive myself, and to receive his forgiveness.

Side-note: I do not watch boxing, wrestling or cage-fighting. Too much anxiety builds up inside me.

Sorry for being so long on this, feel free to not post it, I just wanted you to know I appreciate your honesty, and feel your pain.

[Dr Mike]

Some - certainly not all - of the comments here are more than a little distressing, some are downright foolish, and others echo the same kind of theo-babble Christianese that's been around since Freud stopped doing cocaine. Don't take any of them with a grain of salt - unless it's lithium; in fact, don't take them at all.

What all the above comments have in common, though, is that everyone who has taken the time to write cares about you and is trying to love you as a brother (even though they don't know you). Christian irony, eh?

You know, Brant, what you've been through and how you got to where you are now: the pain, frustration, disappointment, shame and guilt about pulling others along on your journey through the valley of the shadow of death (whoa! - that's melodramatic!). One step at a time, one day at a time: you know, all those AA truisms. The best barometer for the effectiveness of your medication is your wife, followed closely by your children.

And, if you happen to have a three-legged dog, that can be a great source, too.

Just keep doing the right thing. As you have been and will continue to do. You're a good young man and with an unusual heart. You are a blessing.

[Jimbo]

I don't know you personally, Brant, but I've been tremendously entertained and challenged by your writings here at Kamp Krusty. I wish you well in your struggles.
Also, as a neuroscientist (read: geek) who studies some of this stuff I can assure you that psychopharmacology is far from an exact science. It's much more of a trial and error process until a drug/dose is found where the benefits outweigh the negative side effects. Ideally, one of those benefits is to get you to a place where you can deal with some of the accumulated baggage that we all carry around through non-pharmacological approaches. Your current psychiatrist doesn't sound particularly helpful in this process.

God's peace to you.

[Brant]

I *really* appreciate all the advice. It's an honor that anyone would even read my blog, let alone offer me their time and thoughts and prayers.

Dr. Mike, thank you, in particular. The hour with you on the phone was one of the most productive hours I've had in years. Small thing for you, big deal to me.

And, as Jimbo says, this *isn't* an exact science. I'm so glad that God uses us in our weakness, and that He, in fact, specializes in doing that. One of my many is the way I've always struggled with my own sense of failure. He even can redeem that for his purposes.

[Becky]

Uh...wait...did she just give you a prescription for the same stuff you were already taking? My head hurts.

Anywho, my best friend went through hell with depression. Being depressed and having an anxiety disorder was bad enough, but the hell came from trying to find a shrink who could actually HELP her. She went through so many doctors and so many different meds. I used to call her "lab rat". She did finally find a doctor who was helping. She had a couple good years and then her doc dropped dead while playing tennis. Massive coronary. She was back to square one and didn't take it well.

I still believe her death was an accidental overdose (she would self-medicate - take extra pills when things got really bad, but not a whole bottle or anything). The county coroner didn't agree with me. They ruled her death a suicide.

This isn't meant to be a cautionary tale. No! What I want to express is the power of persistence. Your mental well being is worth the effort of a string of shrink auditions. Keep looking until you find one that actually makes you feel better. They do exist!

[M.E.]

Brant, I gotta say I don't know what coming off of Prozac is like, but I did a cold turkey off of Valium and it sucked big time. hard to say which was worse, the panic attacks that had me begging the doc for something to get me through or the 3 months of depression after my short term use of the drug.

Doc Jeff is right, btw. None of us may have the answer, but we all care and ARE trying to love you like a brother. Cripes, Brant, I love your blog because you make me think and question everything one day and turn around and make me laugh my butt off the next. I know I'm not alone in feeling that way either. Maybe we "Kampers" can't cure what ails ya, but we can walk/love you though it. Cyber-relationships may be a mystery, but love isn't.