A Bucket List: Things You Can Do Before Hell

Hell, I don't know what it's like.

There are several descriptions and metaphors for Hell used in the Bible.  I do know it means separation from God and others.  If you want to experience that, to ultimately choose the Kingdom of Yourself, here are some things you can enjoy doing that won't, by themselves or taken together, imperil your future plans:

Be a scripture memorizer

Go to church camp

Teach Sunday School

Tithe

Be a brilliant theologian

Lead the Cookies-for-Newcomers ministry

Think you're pre-destined for Heaven

Listen to Christian radio

Work in Christian radio

Lead "powerful worship"

Preach the Word

Be a missionary in Africa

Be involved in a small group

Stand for Justice and Peace

Vote pro-life

Go to seminary

Pray for the President

Have a brilliant, theologically-astute understanding of Grace

Talk to people about Christ

Say the sinner's prayer

Speak in tongues

Wear a WWJD? bracelet

Be an elder in your church

Argue with your teacher about evolution

Lead family devotions

Argue theology on your blog

Argue theology on this blog

Take a Stand for prayer in school

Start a hip, organic church

Substitute the word "poop" for the word "shit"

"Take" or "receive" "communion" every week, month, quarter, or year, without fail

Come forward at church camp

Take a Stand for Truth in the face of the alarmingly-relativist "emergent" church

Place sticker of fish, preferably eating Darwin fish, on car

Pray

Confidently trace your church's lineage back to Peter

Read Max Lucado

Actually want to read Max Lucado

Be sure you're Elect

Suspect you're cool because you sure no one's Elect

Read the Bible a lot

Argue that drinking alcohol would ruin your "witness"

Sing the right words to "Shout to the Lord", unapologetically, unlike those rassemfrassems on American Idol.  Sheesh.

Rue those new choruses that lack deep theology

Be transparent about your shortcomings on your kampy blog

Be baptized

Know the guitar chords for all the Chris Tomlin songs

Personally baptize Chris Tomlin

Sponsor a child through Compassion International

Steer clear of R-rated movies

Homeschool your children

Mail only Christmas cards with baby Jesus in it, and a scripture

Look like Jesus with a beard and stuff

Be a member of Promise Keepers

Be a member of Sojourners

Be a Prophetic Voice

Be a counselor at a Billy Graham Crusade

Wear "Lord's Gym" t-shirts

Organize VBS

Work at Focus on the Family

Share openly at Small Group

Tsk tsk Harry Potter

Know who Priscilla and Aquilla are

Know who DeGarmo and Key are

Watch, repeatedly, "The Passion of the Christ"

Force your kids to watch, repeatedly, "The Passion of the Christ"

Go to confession

Eschew the banalities of commercial Christian culture and refuse to listen to Michael W. Smith, instead opting for Sufjan Stevens and U2 and -- maybe -- Mat Kearney

Bemoan the secularization of Christmas

Be a key member of a church that offers solid, Biblical teaching -- none of that namby-pamby stuff

Be the pastor who offers solid, Biblical teaching -- none of that namby-pamby stuff

Cheer for Hannity

Boo Colmes

Give the neighborhood kids "Cross-Pops" (TM) candy for Halloween

Talk about how spiritually lame you are all the time

Lead your neighbors to Christ

"Study to show yourself approved"

Be correct about every.  single.  thing.

"Know", theologically, that this post is correct, too, but live as if it weren't

Comments

[Rainer]

OK, I'm confused...

How does this apply to me?

I listen to both Michael W. Smith and U2, don't have a beard, I like Harry Potter, homeschool my kids, I know who DeGarmo and Key are, have no idea what I think of speaking in tongues anymore, but know that I'm right about everything.

I just don't know... I'm so confused...

[Shok]

Be a scripture memorizer ... short ones are better

Tithe ... to your own kids and those you know with real needs

Be a brilliant theologian ... who questions everything

Lead the Cookies-for-Newcomers ministry ... and offer rum-balls

Listen to Christian radio ... if you want your brain to go numb

Work in Christian radio ... as a last resort to pay the bills

Preach the Word ... use words only if you must

Be a missionary in Africa ... if the church pays 100% for 2 weeks

Be involved in a small group ... that eats together with copius ammounts of jesus' first miracle

Stand for Justice and Peace ... as a schoolbus driver

Pray for the President ... to be impeached

Have a brilliant, theologically-astute understanding of Grace ... especially if you stay in the confines of the sunday morning segregation hour

Speak in tongues ... or dont

Wear a WWJD? bracelet ... for your job interview with C.P.C.

Be an elder in your church ... when you are a grandparent and no sooner

Lead family devotions ... over a nice italian wine

Argue theology on your blog ... if only church friends visit it

Argue theology on this blog ... nah

Start a hip, organic church ... or just eat often with neighbors and friends

Substitute the word "poop" for the word "shit" ... only if running for city council

"Take" or "receive" "communion" every week, month, quarter, or year, without fail ... as long as its italian wine

Place sticker of fish, preferably eating Darwin fish, on car ... or cover it with the "I'm too Poor to Vote Republican" one

Pray ... that your kids still love you when you are old

Be sure you're Elect ... ed to city council or voted into the local Elks/Moose/Eagles club

Know the guitar chords for all the Chris Tomlin songs ... but I prefer Willie Nelson songs

Personally baptize Chris Tomlin ... like I did by spritzing wine on my daughter for her baptism?

Sponsor a child through Compassion International ... or support your own kids through their toughest financial trials so they are not bitter about the thousands of bucks you give away to anyone else but them in their need

Steer clear of R-rated movies ... if your kids are under 10 yrs old

Mail only Christmas cards with baby Jesus in it, and a scripture ... to your Charismatic parents only

Be a Prophetic Voice ... as seldom as possible

Know who DeGarmo and Key are ... now you are showing your age

"Study to show yourself approved" ... if you are taking the bar exam, the realestate exam or getting your masters in business

Be correct about every. single. thing. ... and drive away your kids at an early age

"Know", theologically, that this post is correct, too, but live as if it weren't ... u got it fo sure dude u da man ;)

[nancy]

WHAT??? You mean there is more to being a Christian???

[From Brant: Actually, no.]

[Cheryl]

So are you saying that we can't be sure of our salvation until it's all over? (I appreciate your list and get it and even agree with 90% of it, I was just wondering...).

[From Brant: And what do you not agree with? Just curious which things on the list are impossible to do without being assured of avoiding Hell.]

[Brant]

I'm kinda wondering if anyone understands this entry. Methinks I confuse.

[illiah]

me thinks it's just a list of things that WON'T keep us from hell, although we tend to think(or act like) that
a. if we don't do them, we are going to hell
or
b. if we don't see others doing them, they are going to hell, handbasket included.

But it's still early on a Sunday Morning.

[Stephen]

Brant worded the introduction to his list very carefully and needs to be read carefully. And he is correct and has something to say in his wording.

It is the efficacy of none of these things that will be the basis of avoiding hell. It is only the efficacy of Christs blood that purchases that distinction.

[C.Hays]

Brant -

I totally get this post. I know (and I'm one of the ones I know sometimes) people who absolutely do every. single. thing (I'm writing like you, see?) on this list. My son went to a private Christian school for awhile, and I was constantly having to gently set him straight on a few things that he was taught there. But from Kindergarten through Fifth grade this school was our best option, and I still do not regret sending him there. But last year, in his final year there, I just knew it was time to send him to public school when they appointed a "Spiritual Advisory Team" (this team consisted of a few parents, and believe me, I was not even approached with joining, who took it upon themselves to make certain that every class room was complying with their ideas of "Christian attitude and behavior"). They sent a note home, saying that there would be no more depictions of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny in decorations, or refreshments brought in for parties. They said Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day were pagan holidays that had no place in our little school. I was already on shaky ground because every year, they want you to fill out a form, stating which church you belong to, and who your pastor is. We don't have either, so my son stood out like a sore thumb. I wrote my own little note, outlining the pagan roots of Christmas, how Jesus was probably born most likely in the fall, close to the Feast of the Trumpets, how Jesus was not crucified on Good Friday, but most likely on Wednesday of that Passover week. So if we were really wanting to be Biblical, we shouldn't even put Jesus in Christmas or Easter anyway! The principal read my note, but assured me that there was no point in sending it out. These people would probably say "Passover?" "Feast of Trumpets?" Huh? So, I just smiled to myself, and know they just don't get it, but I don't fault them for it, and I absolutely don't feel superior to them in any way. I just know that most people who do all the things on your list, look down on anyone who doesn't, and shake their heads thinking, "Boy, I'm glad I'm so spiritual, and so going to Heaven, and, what? you actually drink wine when you're having communion?! Whew! I'm glad I found that out before I became closer friends with you!" Good post, and so so true.

C. Hays

[sonja]

So ... is the end result of being a Christian to avoid going to Hell?

Here I thought the chief end of man was to enjoy God ... what a dope I am.

[From Brant: I hope you know I agree.

I can do all of these things and still be living in the Kingdom of Myself. God is not impressed, even if you and I are both "assured of my salvation" or whatever the phrase is.

Is there "more" to being a Jesus-follower than this list? I'd say there's far less.

He wants my heart, period.]

[Jon Reid]

"Kingdom of Yourself" -- wow. I would add, from my own introspection:

Complain about how your church has got it all wrong

Complain about how all churches have got it all wrong

[Ross]

No confusion here... I'm just trying to figure out how to fit this whole post onto a bumper sticker :-)

[C.Hays]

Ross -

That was good. About the bumper sticker. :)

[Seaton]

"Actually want to read Max Lucado"--Glad I wasn't drinking milk at the time I read this.

[Sarah]

Nice hard-core post to start out the day! Very anti-religion. [Very much being a prophetic voice in that way ;). It's so John-the-Baptist!]

I like how you covered every variety of 'Christian' in the spectrum. Religion is religion.

So, it's God who justifies (through the blood) and the gospel is all about Jesus, and not all about us?

It's the heart that God cares about? Is this what you are saying? That only 'works' which are byproducts of having been with Him, and changed by Him, 'works' that are a result of expressing Him through us - this is all that will count eternally? Because the rest is just a work of the flesh, or the 'good' of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil - still the wrong tree? Maybe only that which is done out of love - love for God, and love for 'our neighbor' is meaningful? (Not as a get-out-of-hell ticket, but as something that is meaningful to God in his economy of what is valuable and what isn't)?

Is that what you are saying? You're pointing us to Jesus, right? You're suggesting we stop setting up religious standards that we impose on others to conform to, right?

I just want to understand...

[sonja]

I do know you agree ... I wrote that comment very tongue in cheek ;-), but was being overcome by my own nap superpowers from taking my kids to hockey practice this morning.

[Ben, who reads a lot of internets, a lot of the time.]

This is all well and good, but how then are we to take hold of grace? (I'm not saying that doing those things is taking hold of grace, because it's the opposite when we do them with the get-out-of-hell or get-close-to-God mindset. I realize that "Hav[ing] a brilliant, theologically-astute understanding of Grace" isn't necessary.)

Is that the wrong way of thinking of it: "taking hold"?

Obviously God and his grace are what get us anyplace different with respect to God.

Am I being too theologically-astute about this? Do I just need to let grace "wash over me"? I don't even know really what that means or how that happens.

[From Brant: I don't know what that means, either.

Which one, or ones, on the list do you think are required to "take hold of grace"?]

[MrPages]

Brilliant.

Challenging.

I'm not sure if I love you for this post or if I hate you for this post.

[M.E.]

There's a hole in my bucket, dear Lizza, dear Lizza, there's a hole in my bucket, dear Lizza, a hole.

Rereading "The Shack", Brant? ;)

[Brian]

"Know who DeGarmo and Key are"

Duh! Everyone knows that knowledge of D&K is in no way efficacious in relation to your eternal destiny. For that, you have to get hard core and go straight to Gaither Vocal Band. Trust me. Your sanctification depends upon it.

[Katherine]

This post reminds me of the Steven Curtis Chapman song, The Change. He talks about having the Christian T-shirt, bracelet, key chain, Bible magnets, welcome mat, bumper sticker, fish stuck on the car...but What about the change, difference, grace, forgiveness, showing God's in us and changing our hearts... and not having the world revolve around ourselves.

[Mike Taylor]

Hey, Brant. Just so we know ... have you, personally done every single one of these things?

[Ben, who should really start being productive.]

That's just it: I don't think (from what I've heard and read) that any of these things are grace, or taking hold of it. But nothing that we can DO is. Which is pretty much the scandal of grace, I think. I figure (a) Paul tells us not to keep sinning that grace may abound, but (b) we are also not to sit around not doing anything (Oh, maybe that's a sin. Maybe they're not so different. Maybe I just figured something out.).

I know you don't like prooftexting, but, I mean, I think you'll agree with Isaiah where God puts a new heart into us, and Paul saying we'll be transformed by the renewing of our minds. Which is why the ones on the list that I support doing (not in a way that will earn salvation, but in a way that will help us understand who God is): pray, memorize scripture, read the bible a lot, and "talk to people about [what] Christ [does for you]" (I added to that last one.)

I agree that those can still be twisted into being in support of a Kingdom of Self, pretty easily. But those are the (mainly the only) things (from this list) that are about God changing someone directly through thinking differently.

I also think it's weird that I have such a hard time accepting not doing anything, when it seems many others have accepted grace, no questions asked.

I hope this all isn't too confusing.

[From Brant: Not at all.

It shouldn't, however, be difficult to accept that we can pray, read the Bible, etc. ... and go to Hell. God might even despise those actions, given the status of your heart.

Because that's what He's after, plain and simple. Let's not pretend otherwise.]

[ChestertonianRambler]

"He wants my heart, period."

Yet I don't think there has been a single Christian who gave Christ his heart, period. St. Francis and Augustine and Rich Mullins and others who we (rightfully, to a point) tend to look up to certainly were profoundly aware of the parts of their heart that weren't given to God.

Which is why I feel a Christ- and grace-centered focus is the only full interpretation of Scriptures. Either our hope is placed in Christ (and NOT our heart), either the work of his sacrifice is enough to overcome our continual sins (yes, including living in relative American indolence while millions starve), or it isn't.

No amount of heart-change will get us to Heaven, or away from Hell. All God promises is that if we seek Him, however sinfully and selfishly we do so, He will draw near to us--and begin the long, tortuous project of changing our hearts.

But I think, in that, we can have security--security at least in the fact that God saves sinners, He does so in a way that (like Paul) they still struggle with sinfulness, and He does so through the power of His son Jesus, whose blood literally covers over our sin and useless activities.

[From Brant: Kids can change their hearts. It can happen quickly. And they're who we are to emulate in our humility. It's not nearly so complex as we make it.

David was after God's own heart, sinner as he was.

You're right about our mixed motives. And the truth remains, that God wants our hearts, period.]

[Barry]

DeGarmo and Key...which one had the mullet?

[Thorny]

I think it goes a little somethin' like this: "Lord, Lord, did we not cast out demons, heal the sick and do just about every. single. thing. on Brant's Bucket List?"
Great post mate...really appreciating your style and honesty.