Just nine months or so left to finish the BPFEBC (Big Project to Force Everyone to Become Christians).
It's no wonder there's been so much concern about our nefarious aims, so many books sold, so many hyper-concerned bloggers, so much "THEOCRACY!" alarm. They caught on to us early, but we marched ahead, and our continuing dream of yet another Christian theocracy on the planet is nearly complete! (Increasing the current total of...)
Yes, George W. Bush has led the way, of course, with his rabid United Methodism. Sadly, while many on the left openly worried that he would attempt to usher in the Second Coming of Christ through initiating Armageddon, he hasn't followed through on this yet. But we still have several months left.
We can still get this done, friends! Don't worry: It can still be the end of the world.
We've pushed many bills to sentence women for having abortions (there almost aren't any abortions anymore, if you don't count the million-plus per year) and we've cheered the White House's executive order to imprison all homosexuals.
Even better: Overt, senseless displays of sexuality have been completely erased from our culture. Pornography is gone. We've returned television to its puritan roots, especially Bravo, per our collective plan, handed to us by the late Jerry Falwell, from whom we all took orders.
If you're like me, you don't miss a gathering of the secretive Take Over America Network secret neighborhood secret meetings of secrecy. And you get excited, hearing about renewed efforts to spy on our neighbors, and make sure no one's gambling or drinking alcohol. You thrill to stories of big victories, like when that bill passed to force everyone to go to church.
Still, there's work to be done. There remain a few books we haven't burned. And there's word some us continue to read them. There remain a couple children who haven't pledged allegiance to our Holy Scriptures, even under pain of imprisonment. And, obvously, there are still a few women and minorities to suppress at all costs. That's what we do, but we need to improve.
Our enemies' suspicions are well-founded. They've caught on. But they cannot undo the damage we inflicted -- unprecedented stuff! -- like when John Ashcroft had an optional Bible study in his office. It sent them a chill, and for good reason. Our next step: MANDATORY Bible studies in John Ashcroft's office, wherever it is now, for EVERYONE.
We've reversed centuries of elastic interpretation of "marriage" and tried to make it for a man and a woman. No wonder people say they now can't recognize this country anymore!
We remain solidly in lock-step, none of us questioning the invasion of Iraq, no one criticizing the President's profligate spending, just lining up our uneducated, easily-led selves to do his bidding. We all appreciate Mr. Bush's "evangelical zeal", as he continues to use every speech to call everyone to repentance and holiness.
Our enemies' nightmares have come true, and our diabolical, anti-constitutional work is almost complete! Furthermore, Mwah-ha-ha-ha!