Letters from Kamp Krusty

News Item: Dog Gets Paid to Act Religious

Do people from other religions go to heaven?

Do dogs go to heaven?

And do dogs from other religions go to heaven?

--------------------

Classic questions.  And here's a Buddhist dog which affirms my long-standing point:  Do dogs go to heaven?

No.  They go to hell.

The monks say this dog is "praying" -- but it's because they give him treats to do it. 

So this seemingly pious dog is praying for immediate reward, in the here-and-now.  This dog thinks it's all about being personally blessed with tasty stuff.  This dog resists the call to personal sacrifice.  And this dog is somehow doing this without reading Joel Osteen.

I used to think dogs went to heaven, but then we got "Scamp".  "Scamp" was a poodle who did not bear the Fruits of the Spirit.  "Scamp" did...horrible...things.  Many, many...awful...things.  "Scamp" also chewed up my Sunday shoes, destroyed four Nerf footballs, and shredded my desperate gift to him, a Chick tract.

I believe God's wonderful mercy is wider than we know. 

I also believe "Scamp" is in hell.

Awesomely Awesome Non-Satire Here

Terri asks a great question after the last blog entry, with the 417 Rules of Awesomely Bold Leadership:

Maybe I am a moron, but I do not get what is being satirized in this post.  Usually I get you and love this blog.  I feel left out since I don't get it.  Can someone explain?

Terri, here's a long answer:  I just read a "leadership" book a friend gave me.  He was laughing when he handed it to me, last week, because he knew I would get a kick out of it.

It starts with a great story, typical of the genre:  Essentially, "So there I was, on the football field, and I just got my arm broken after I smashed the running back.  My coach said, "You get back in there," so I did.  I finished that game with a broken arm and 16 tackles.  It was right then and there when I learned you have to be tough to be a leader..." 

The rest of the book is loaded with anecdotes about how awesome the author was and remains and forever will be, amen.

And in the forward, essentially this, about the author:  "This man has won in high school football, won in college, won as a coach, and he wins at church, so you should be thankful he's taken the time to share his winning ways with you..." etc.

These books are largely self-congratulatory, and will make you come away saying, "Wow, that guy's quite the man!"  And -- far worse -- given their understandings of leadership, Jesus Himself would need to read them, because He clearly didn't succeed.  He was homeless, had only a small band of followers (who deserted him) and wound up lonely and then killed by the authorities. 

Ah, success! 

Few are the "leadership" books and seminars that would reinterpret leadership in light of Jesus.  (Though, I'm sure there are, out there, some redeeming ones.)  Instead, they tend to celebrate an American corporate idea of what a real man should be.  Of course, I loves me some America, and obviously, I'm a real man (hello, I play accordion) but flexing one's "success" muscles in front of a paying public?  Let's call it for what it is. It's isn't leadership.  It's an ego trip.

You can read the series (click here) -- but I can tell you, there's not one thing I've satirized that isn't echoed in the leadership materials out there.  They do it with a straight face, which is why people who've read these books can read my satire with a glint of pained recognition.

I once read an audacious book that tried to synthesize Jesus' leadership example with the typical Alpha-Guy American one.  (Hey, at least the author tried.)  One "rule" was, "Make time for everyone.  Jesus always did, etc." and another "rule" was, essentially, "Don't waste time with nobodies, you have to prioritize who's important," etc.  Okay.

It's my belief that Jesus is the Greatest Leader Ever.  But he was, by any reasonable American standard, one real big failure as CEO. 

But, overall, the books really don't tend to deal much with Jesus.  We're supposed to just presume that being an Awesomely Awesome Leader is what Jesus wants, because Jesus loves big successes in the church world, and why wouldn't He?  Right?

And if you aren't succeeding, Pastor Man?  Well, you haven't applied all the rules.  Or haven't read them all.  Or didn't subscribe to the series on CD.  Or, if you have done those things?  Well, let's face it:  You're not the man the Leader of Leaders is.  On Saturdays, while you're trying to fix your minivan?  He's golfing with Big Christian Athletes.  You're not him.  You're little you.

I say if that's "success", here's to the faithful failures;  people with true pastoral hearts, serving people God has brought across their paths, never getting book deals, never selling motivational CDs, and always aware that God humbles the proud, and exalts the humble.

More Excerpts: The 417 Rules of Awesomely Bold Leadership

Rule #95:  Win at Everything

...so there's no getting around it:  God is a winner.  Therefore, to be a Godly man, you have to win...at everything. 

Need an example?  Take me, for instance.  In football, I won in high school, and then college, and then as a coach.  I just kept winning.  And now, when it comes to church, guess what?  I win.  I won at football, now I win at church.

Winners win on the field, and in the pulpit.  They can't stop winning.  Everytime they turn around, they win. We winners win.  Quick:  What number am I thinking of?  -- wrong!  It's 31.  I just won again. 

Why did I just win again?  Because that's what winners do.  True fact:  If you look up "winner" in the dictionary, it comes from the same root word as the word "win".  That's no accident, friends.

God wins, and I didn't get into ministry to lose.  Did you get into ministry to lose?  Did you go to seminary and announce in chapel, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm here to lose at ministry, because I'm a big loser"?  I doubt you did that, and...    

Rule #221:  Jesus Wasn't Some Namby-Pamby Guy Like in those Movies

...as if Jesus was some guy who walked around, hung out with a bunch of losers, and just stood there while people beat him up.  People who think that should read their Bibles! 

Jesus was huge and ripped.  How do we know?  Remember:  He was a carpenter!  What do we know about carpenters?  Carpenters are totally jacked.  Scholars, including Dr. Josh McDowell and Dr. Joe Weider, believe Jesus could probably bench 300 more than 20 times, and squat 700 plus.  Some "pansy", huh?  Yeah, right!

Jesus was pumped.  Scholars agree, he was like Mr. T, except white.

But let's set Jesus aside:  Church life, itself, isn't for the weak-kneed!  It's like I told our "Bold S.T.U.D.S." men's group the other night:  It takes a MAN to attend our events, go to our 101 Membership Class, and read the assigned small group curriculum before a time of real intimacy and intimate sharing in a very intimate small group setting.

Think sitting and passively, unquestioningly, listening to sermons isn't manly?  Try some of my sermons, which frequently reference my motorcycle!  Who says Christians can't ride Harleys, huh?  Like to see them say that to my face! 

No.  Let me put it more bluntly, gentlemen:  I'd like to see them say that to Jesus's face.   

Just a Closer Walk with Wii

Sometimes, I'm all like, "Why don't churches use the day celebrating the resurrection of God, incarnate, as on occasion to invite people to play Nintendo Boxing against a Jesus avatar?"

And then Doug sends me a link, and I'm like, "Oh -- they already do."

Local Blogger Joins Movement to Ignore Blog

Jupiter, FL -- A local blogger has been ignoring his own blog.

"I was offended by the entry with the poop joke," says Brant Hansen, of Jupiter.  "I guess I was just like, 'What happened to the edifying stuff?' and I was just kind of offended."

Hansen says he decided to join with a world-wide movement, centered around ignoring his blog.

"If six billion people are doing the same thing, you figure they're on to something," he says.  "It's cool how the global reach of the internet allows, for the first time, people from so many different backgrounds -- rich, poor, European, African, Asian, young, old -- the chance to ignore the same exact blog, simultaneously."

Nevertheless, Hansen has things to say, and says he'll get back to writing, pronto.  But ignoring his blog has freed up his recent schedule, he says, allowing him time for exciting new pursuits, which, lately, have included inexplicable weight gain, not cleaning the garage, and "just generally being kinda drowsy."

The Big Vision

I was in this hotel suite, where they were having this reception for some leaders from African governments.  The suite had one of those lunchmeat-n-crackers-type spreads out.  It was pretty good.  It is kinda hard to fold the meat right to fit the cracker sometimes.

Anyway, I overheard this one lady, who was going from Government Leader Guy to Government Leader Guy, explaining what God told her to do, which was to save the world.  That was her mandate, and she told them she was going to start with Africa.  She had a Big Vision, and she was going to do this and that, and then this other thing, and then this would happen, and she had it pretty much mapped out.  It was awesome.

I like people who can rescue everybody, so I thought to myself, "That's cool," and then noticed they had those fancy Pepperidge Farm cookie-stix things.  She moved on to the next guy, and talked a lot again about what she was fixing to do.   She has some big plans that involve her doing some significant stuff.  Pretty neat.

It was lunchtime, so I made my way to this big lunch area downstairs, where they had some more crackers on each table.  The lunch organizers arranged a couple speakers, this young married couple.  The guy never spoke, actually.  His wife said he was more of the computer-nerd type, and she was nervous, but she'd talk since they asked.

She is a Jesus-follower who went to Africa (Africa, again?) awhile back for a few weeks.  She made some friends there who didn't have much of anything.  She came back, and asked God to help her help them.  So she and her husband scanned their wedding list into their computer, and asked those folks to loan their African friends some money.

She didn't know what else to do.  She was heartbroken for a few families, and she knew God loved them.  She had no Big Vision, just love for a few people she knew, so they could start businesses and have some way to live.

Her husband set up a website so their wedding friends could loan the money and make contact with the people they were giving to.  God blessed it. 

It's now called kiva.org.

So far, 30,000 businesses -- families and communities! -- have profited from it.  She says they didn't know what they were doing -- they just loved a few people.  She doesn't understand how this happened, except she thinks God made it happen. 

But Seriously, Folks

For now, not all have come to recognize The Greatest Joke Ever for what it is.  Comments ranged, generally, from the truthful, "Brant, that's genius," to the truthful, "Brant, you're an idiot."

Friends, here's one we can agree on:  Try it with friends, family, respected colleagues, your partners at the firm, the other members of the College of Cardinals, fellow Justices of this Solemn Court:

You say, "Knock-knock"

They say "Who's there?"

You say, "I'm a pile-up."

Then, after they respond, say "Yeah.  You are."

Wait for room to stop laughter-eruption.  Bask in glow of popularity, newfound respect, attention from the ladies, etc.

Hands Down: The Funniest Joke Ever

I'm quite serious.  Shawn told this joke the other night on the back porch, and I couldn't stop laughing.  I was embarrassed,  because everyone else politely laughed for the requisite five seconds, and I couldn't stop.

I went home and laughed about it.  I couldn't sleep, I was still laughing about it.  I awoke the next day and told people at work.  I could barely get through the joke, and then they stared blankly.

For me, this simply must have been the joke the British used in the Monty Python sketch, a joke so funny it killed anyone who heard it, and was deployed against the Germans.

Typing it won't do, so I tell the joke below.  Don't bother commenting about how bizarre I am.  I know, okay?  But perhaps -- PERHAPS -- someone else will find this amusing.  It's been two days, and I can't stop laughing.

Yes, again:  I already know I'm strange.  Insert your own cricket noises.  But I still can't breathe.  I know:  I'm a freak.  I've never argued that.

Download joke.mp3 (570.7K)

Awkward Pauses, Dep't.

HT:  Puff Dougie

Just Months Remaining to Put Finishing Touches on Our Theocracy!

Well, here we are, fellow Christian soldiers!

  Just nine months or so left to finish the BPFEBC (Big Project to Force Everyone to Become Christians).

It's no wonder there's been so much concern about our nefarious aims, so many books sold, so many hyper-concerned bloggers, so much "THEOCRACY!" alarm.  They caught on to us early, but we marched ahead, and our continuing dream of yet another Christian theocracy on the planet is nearly complete!  (Increasing the current total of...)

Yes, George W. Bush has led the way, of course, with his rabid United Methodism.  Sadly, while many on the left openly worried that he would attempt to usher in the Second Coming of Christ through initiating Armageddon, he hasn't followed through on this yet.  But we still have several months left. 

We can still get this done, friends!  Don't worry:  It can still be the end of the world.

We've pushed many bills to sentence women for having abortions (there almost aren't any abortions anymore, if you don't count the million-plus per year) and we've cheered the White House's executive order to imprison all homosexuals.

Even better:  Overt, senseless displays of sexuality have been completely erased from our culture.  Pornography is gone.  We've returned television to its puritan roots, especially Bravo, per our collective plan, handed to us by the late Jerry Falwell, from whom we all took orders.

If you're like me, you don't miss a gathering of the secretive Take Over America Network secret neighborhood secret meetings of secrecy.  And you get excited, hearing about renewed efforts to spy on our neighbors, and make sure no one's gambling or drinking alcohol.  You thrill to stories of big victories, like when that bill passed to force everyone to go to church.

Still, there's work to be done.  There remain a few books we haven't burned.  And there's word some us continue to read them.  There remain a couple children who haven't pledged allegiance to our Holy Scriptures, even under pain of imprisonment.  And, obvously, there are still a few women and minorities to suppress at all costs.  That's what we do, but we need to improve.

Our enemies' suspicions are well-founded.  They've caught on.  But they cannot undo the damage we inflicted -- unprecedented stuff! -- like when John Ashcroft had an optional Bible study in his office.   It sent them a chill, and for good reason.  Our next step:  MANDATORY Bible studies in John Ashcroft's office, wherever it is now, for EVERYONE.

We've reversed centuries of elastic interpretation of "marriage" and tried to make it for a man and a woman.  No wonder people say they now can't recognize this country anymore! 

We remain solidly in lock-step, none of us questioning the invasion of Iraq, no one criticizing the President's profligate spending, just lining up our uneducated, easily-led selves to do his bidding.   We all appreciate Mr. Bush's "evangelical zeal", as he continues to use every speech to call everyone to repentance and holiness. 

Our enemies' nightmares have come true, and our diabolical, anti-constitutional work is almost complete!  Furthermore, Mwah-ha-ha-ha!