CCM Band to Play, Cue Explosion
Doesn't matter the artist, or the station: the concert promos are all the same.
"Live, it's ____ , for one special night (cue explosion FX) (cue hook from biggest hit w/fake crowd fx) with special guests ______ (cue hook, then lasers fx, etc...)"
I jokingly said I could do the whole thing with just my big mouth, and then got a free half-hour in the production studio to create a promo for our next show, a band called "Casting Crowns". The result is dangerously close to reality:
Download castingcrownsspoof.mp3 (1440.9K)
If you haven't heard of Casting Crowns, I can help. I'm not a great music reviewer, because my own tastes get in the way. Nevertheless, here's what I can objectively offer:
Casting Crowns is a band that has recorded many songs, using the very same recording technology that's been employed by many top acts in the industry, including, but not limited to, computers.
The band hails from Georgia, considered one of the top 50 musically-influential states in the union.
Casting Crowns is a very big band. There are seven people in this very big band. There are only three members of The Police, which, musically speaking, makes Casting Crowns 133% more dense. If they were to play U2 in dodgeball, The Edge would have to personally hit three people from Georgia just to even the match.
Two more members, and they could march in formation, and spell stuff.
Casting Crowns outnumbers some of the top bands of our era, including Radiohead and Coldplay, and they have six more members than "Lauryn Hill". Their live show evokes memories of early 2112-era Rush, as they also use mic stands. And you'll recognize many of their instruments, including Beatles-esque six-string guitars.
just hold on a minute there, bub! you can disect churches (let me join you), deftly slaughter naysayers, and burn all the toast you want to, but you better lay off the 'big group' of casting crowns! they rock!!
still love you, though. i guess you *did* give the disclaimer of not being a great music reviewer. at least i'll give you that....
[Note from Brant: I had nothing negative to say. And by my calculations, they rock 75% harder than U2!]
Posted by: deborah | January 30, 2008 at 01:07 PM
I think you can mock all you want cuz that was high-larious (and it makes the musical mocking the hubby and I do sound tame)! Keep it up, Krusty!
Posted by: Rowan | January 30, 2008 at 01:23 PM
"...something something."
I think I pooped a little in laughter.
I think you should end your next one with a very fast spoken warning, like the ones you get on those pharmaceutical commercials... warning teenage girls to wear their diapers to the Hawk Nelson concerts and such. May be too mean though.
Love it. I demand more of them. Once a week.
Posted by: Seth Ward | January 30, 2008 at 01:26 PM
well, i suppose by your calculations (and carefully worded post), you are, um, a neutral music reviewer. just the facts, ma'am.
so, for all of us hanging on your every word, what style of music does the kamp krusty king enjoy?
[From Brant: I'm your pretty typical 30-something guy. I know U2 forward, backward, upside-down, and can do a scary imitation of Bono. BIG fan, seeing the 3D show tomorrow.
Coldplay, Keane, Mat Kearney, Starfield, Jack Johnson, etc. Alison Krauss, Lyle Lovett, too.]
Posted by: deborah | January 30, 2008 at 01:29 PM
Crispy Crowns = formulaic & boring!
Posted by: MfS | January 30, 2008 at 01:41 PM
Nobody rocks harder than U2 ... nobody.
And they don't need no stinkin' announcement to sell no tickets neither.
So ... um ... there.
Posted by: sonja | January 30, 2008 at 02:07 PM
I would put Menudo (past & present) up against your very big band of Casting Crowns anyday. By my calculations, that's about 473 members to 7.
Posted by: cool dad | January 30, 2008 at 02:19 PM
I Loved that! If it had been on the radio, I probably wouldn't have even noticed that it was done using only your voice and the functional equivalent of a Kmart Chord Organ.
And while I'm on the subject, I have always hated that "if we are the body" song. Always sounds like it's being sung by a bunch of sanctimonious holier than thou types, lambasting us all for not being perfect.
Whenever that song comes on, I turn it off. If I can't turn it off, I always sing my own ridiculous lyrics to drown it out. Like, "If we are the body, why aren't we butt-kicking?, why aren't we booger-flicking?" and so on, ad nauseum.
[From Brant: And here's yet another demonstration of the comments being funnier than my lame posts. I just read this aloud to my wife.
BTW, no chord organ, there, bud. It's all me, rhythm and all, right down to the very first off-pitch notes.
Oddity: I prefaced this a couple times before playing it on the air, and got tons of calls from people commenting on it. Tons. But once, I put it smack in the middle of other recorded spots, without a preface -- no reaction at all. It just slid by people. That killed me. Fake lasers and everything.]
Posted by: Brady | January 30, 2008 at 02:23 PM
I saw Burlap to Cashmere in concert many years ago, and they outnumbered Casting Crowns like 2-1. And they all played at least 3 instruments each.
Posted by: amy | January 30, 2008 at 02:35 PM
brant, have you ever heard U2? maybe you should give them another go, huh?
[From Brant: I mean, they rock 75% more because they have three more people.]
Posted by: Jeremy | January 30, 2008 at 02:35 PM
Seven members?! Wow, just two more and they've got a 'neuftet', ala The New Main Street Singers. They don't all play guitar, do they?
Posted by: jimbo | January 30, 2008 at 03:07 PM
Hilarious. Although Rylan (our resident recording engineer/producer and middle child) suggests pitch correction next time. Heh. Heh. Heh.
You probably just did this to drive Pastor Parker nuts, didn't you.
Posted by: Bill Kinnon | January 30, 2008 at 04:08 PM
Brant, being the big U2 fan, why are you only seeing U23D tomorrow? It's been out for a week now.
[Note from Brant: I'm busy, and go to bed at 8:30 p.m. every night. Tonight, though, we're seeing Over the Rhine in concert here -- another fave act.]
Posted by: cool dad | January 30, 2008 at 05:02 PM
This is the funniest thing I have read in awhile. Got a great visual of Edge with a dodgeball.
Posted by: Barbara | January 30, 2008 at 05:23 PM
You're such a freak - I love reading your stupid ridiculous moronic posts.
[From Brant: ...on my sorry blog. And you could care less if I "post" your comment or not.]
Posted by: Sue | January 30, 2008 at 05:40 PM
What's "Casting Crowns" known for? Are they existential? I'm still stuck back in the 1970s with Larry Norman, Randy Stonehill and Daniel Amos.
But as far as U2, check out the documentary on Leonard Cohen called "I'm Your Man." Ok, it may offend some. But Bono and The Edge are all through it making pseudo-philosophical comments like I often do.
And my favorite U2 song has Johnny Cash on vocals - "The Wanderer" off Zooropa.
Posted by: Sam | January 30, 2008 at 07:32 PM
You forgot to mention that CC has 3 more members than MuteMath, the up and coming band you play bass in.
Picture of you playing bass for MuteMath:
http://flickr.com/photos/sighthound/1473930301/
Posted by: James | January 30, 2008 at 07:44 PM
lmco - Laughing my crown off! Will you be my comb? (comb over mullet buddy)?
Posted by: Eric Hilliard | January 30, 2008 at 07:56 PM
I forwarded this on to their manager. Big money, Brant. Huge. Gigongous. You made me actually want to hear seven people from Georgia sing an anti-Oprah song live...and be the body.
(Seriously, I did. He'll laugh.)
Posted by: shaungroves | January 30, 2008 at 10:56 PM
"I'm busy, and go to bed at 8:30 p.m. every night."
Good point -- you get up much earlier than most of us here.
Posted by: cool dad | January 30, 2008 at 11:22 PM
That mp3 was really, really hilarious!! I about lost it on the "something, something" bit...and then the choking/coughing/hacking for Building 421.
Too funny!!!! Maybe you should consider doing a Casting Crowns tribute album -- all accordion renditions of their songs.
Posted by: Steve Sensenig | January 31, 2008 at 08:10 AM
It took me two reads to catch the Georgia, one of the Top 50 musically influential states line. We only have ten provinces which makes keeping track of the number a lot easier.
Hilarious as usual.
Posted by: Liam | January 31, 2008 at 08:12 AM
Georgia is one of the top 50 musically influential states in America? That means... it's like... influential...ish... right? ? ? ? ?
Posted by: Jonathan | January 31, 2008 at 09:27 AM
You left out "SUNDAY...Sunday....sunday...!"
and also the echo of the band name.
Brant - don't be surprised if CC sues you for something...anything...maybe intentionally and fraudulently performing their music when you clearly have no business in that business.
Seriously, I know you can sing a little better than that; it must have been a strain for you to be off-key, although with the intent of mockery in mind, I suppose you were motivated to try hard.
You really ought to go back in the studio and dub in some accordian and re-air/post that promo.
PS, Rush, by your calculations is also only 43% the band that CC is. And 2112 was the album that led me down the primrose path to rock music as an influenceable young teen.
Is James Taylor just 14% the band that CC is? By that logic Chicago must have been about 170% better. It's all in the math.
Posted by: Steve_11 | January 31, 2008 at 11:00 AM
All of these comments made me forget what the post was originally about... Yeah, really.
Sweet voicing... though I miss the accordian
Posted by: RevJeff | January 31, 2008 at 12:38 PM