Thank You, My Fellow Messed-Up People

For those who struggle with depression, or whatever mental malady, please read the comments in the last thread.  They are very helpful;  far more helpful than what I originally wrote, I think.  They are like fresh water to me.

Marie asked a great question, right off the bat:

What do you think about the idea that it is ok to be angry, to not relax much, to not be able to nap, to be impatient?  ...is it normal for us to be happy and relaxed all the time?  Maybe some of the struggle you have is because you are feeling cheated of a happy, well-adjusted "normal" when that's not really normal?  ...maybe it is ok to be sad. Maybe it would be inappropriate to be all well-adjusted and contented all the time. There is a lot of sin in this world (ours and others'). Shouldn't it bother us?

I think pain, foolishness, oppression, injustice -- it should bother us.  Makes sense.  Still does, Prozac (now Cymbalta, for me!) and all.

What doesn't make sense has been my own sense of failure.  It doesn't square with reality.  It does, however, make sense, in light of the way I grew up.  I'm not going to get into details, but while talking to a counselor last week (first time ever) it took him a half-hour to say, "Of course you're going to struggle with that, given what you've been through.  Of course."

Before, I couldn't sit and watch my kids play without thinking, "I've blown it.  I should have done X, or Y, and then they could have had a nicer house and I should've taken that job years ago and..."  Not for a moment could I just relax. 

After, I sat next to our neighborhood pool, and watched my daughter sit on the pavers in the sun with her little friends, under the waving palms.  I just sat and watched my beautiful little girl.  Just sat and watched her.  And I thought about how sweet she was, what a simple privilege it was to be, at her request, "Rubber Duck-Themed Game Leader" and I didn't think about me...at all.

God, I don't want to go back to before.

Fact is, my brain put itself in a groove, early on, and I'll be danged if I can will myself out of it.  The counselor says the drug gives me that chance.  For a split-second, I can think, "Does this really matter?", and most of the time?  It just doesn't.  Not, "My brain is tricked into thinking I shouldn't be angry at myself," but I'm given a shot at reality:  I shouldn't be angry at myself.  It's okay.  Deep breath.

As for making me a "better moral person", he disagreed.  He allowed only that it gives me a chance to do so.  What I choose remains up to me.  Makes sense.  But man, it's easier now.  I love -- finally! -- having been able to pour myself into others, without focusing on the me-meister. 

Please bear in mind, regarding the concern that the drugs can make us inordinately happy:  I've been taking these pills for a year now.  If anyone has noticed, in this blog, a tendency toward slappy-happiness during the year, please let me know.   The counselor says I likely grew up hyper-vigilant (my mom says that makes sense, too) and the drugs may be helping me, for the very first time, to be myself. 

The counselor said he, himself, has been taking meds for eight years to help him with chronic anger, something handed down to him from his dad.  I asked him how he dealt with that as a Christian:  How did he think God viewed it?

He said -- mostly jokingly -- that maybe he'd have to sit among burning haystacks for eternity.  But...he was simply not going to put his family through it anymore.  That simple.  "They don't deserve it, and my wife couldn't be happier now."

Fellow losers, God uses us.  He uses the weak, the messed-up, the openly failed.

I'm so embarrassed to talk about this stuff.  But I talked about it the other day, at the gym, with a Jewish friend who works there.  He knows I'm a believer.  I talk to him about it.  We get along, but he's never too comfortable with me.  He asked "How you doin?" and leaned on the treadmill.  I told him how I was honestly doing, pills and all.  Look at me:  Christian boy.  Messed-up.  Something clicked.

We talked for a half-hour, and he invited me over to play guitar.

Comments

[Greg Allen]

Brant,

Thanks for the follow up post too.

I'm commenting to show that I read it and thought about it. I'm glad you had some good thoughts around all of it.
G

[M.E.]

1 Corinthians 1:26-28 (New International Version)

26Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are.

Amen, Brant. :)

[Dr Fin]

I can't tell you how good it was to read this post. You're all right, Brant. No worries.

[TJ]

Brant,

Thanks for this. Mind if I share some of my thoughts in response?

A friend suffers from Tourette's. He blurts out the most startling, vulgar words. It is a complete violation of "let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth" -- except that he simply cannot stop it. Medical treatment has greatly helped, but not ended, this problem. My friend no longer feels guilty about these blurtings, though he desperately wishes he could stop. I'm glad he doesn't feel guilt. He shouldn't.

He won't have Tourette's when he walks the new earth. He won't say the words, and he won't have them forming in his head at all. If not for sin in our world, and for the reality that he's a sinner, he wouldn't have those words forming even now. But this problem is for him, at present, a weakness in his life that he can do nothing to change. He is morally responsible to do all that he can do to stop; but there's a "given" in his life, a brokenness like other breakings that occur in this fallen world, that prevents him from being able to completely end the blurtings. It's weakness, and it's no different than not being able to hug someone because one has no arms; recognize the weakness, adjust to it, and give God glory that He is enough for weak people. That he glorified not by our strength but by our weakness and reliance on him. My friend can utter a foul curse and God gets glory. Think on that.

I believe firmly that 'Jesus is enough". I believe it with all my heart as it is generally meant. But I think people get wacky with it.

The ambulance pulls up, there are two people lying on the sidewalk, blood pumping out their arteries. The medical professional quickly ascertains that one was a Christian evangelizing the other when they were both struck down by a speeding car. He says to his partner, "Let's get right to this guy here. Forget about the other guy, he'll be fine; he's a Christian, so Jesus is enough for him." Wacky. And of course we wouldn't use the "Jesus is enough" phrase in such a situation.

It's when we move into emotional states -- anger, guilt, depression, fear, etc. -- that we hear that we don't need to do anything else but "trust and obey", and address the desires of our heart. But once we realize there are physiological components in here as well, and that some of them are treatable (your pill, for example) and that some of them can be beaten by the grace given to responsible, believing Christians, and that some of them represent areas of weakness that may continue through our fallen lifetime...once we realize this, a lot of zaniness falls aside.

There's sin, and there's weakness, and there's a large, cluttered, broken area between those two points where Christians live and navigate their moral responsibility and their desire to give Jesus glory. Within that area the questions are hard, the issues important, and great the need of a community educated in weakness.

In such a community, with such a people, there is no doubt in anyone's mind that "Jesus is enough." Because only he could bring glory and hope to such dark places. Only he can fulfill the desires of anyone's heart.

Thanks, Brant, for sharing. Thanks for being part of the community.

[Chaotic Hammer]

Is that photo really from a game you played with your daughter?

And here, I thought you were subtly trying to say to us, "It's okay if we don't have all our ducks in a row."

It works for me either way.

[Barbara]

Hi. You don't know me but I read your blog all the time. Ironically I just got done commenting to a friend who has starting taking her ad's again (anti-depressants) and has not only noticed a change in herself but in her toddler's behavior (its gotten better since her mom is now more balanced).

AD's saved my life. I am not embarrassed to admit it but I was back in 1997 when I started taking them, everyone thougth "oh wow she's drugging herself to avoid feeling". As you said above, they are NOT happy pills. I am glad to report I still get depressed, cry and feel like crap often...BUT the gray clouds that overshadowed every ounce of my existence are gone. I don't have to fight the gray clouds anymore so my emotions are real, I gave myself a chance to feel what its like to be depressed FOR A REASON not just because it was my typical state of being.

Anyhow, I don't mean to sound preachy or anything, I just am waiting for the day that people look at anti-depressants the same way they do insulin: it replaces a MISSING chemical that allows the body to function normally. That's all it is. Why it there a stigma attached? They don't affect mood, you don't pop one when you need one, you take them at the same time every day to keep the chemicals in your system and allow you a chance to to truly feel what you would normally feel.

End of soap box. Sorry to take up so much space here!

[Patrick]

"Fellow losers, God uses us. He uses the weak, the messed-up, the openly failed."

It's all through the Bible. It's all through Church history. God tells us in just about every story passed on that it's when we're broken that he works. It is in our humility that we finally have let go enough to finally listen to the whispers of the Holy Spirit.

Where did we get the modern idea he uses the strong and powerful? He is the God of the outcasts, the lepers, the rejected, the ignored, the broken, the frustrated, the servants.

It's in Philippians 2. It's his own experience on earth.

[Patch]

I was reading the comments from your previous post and something dawned on me. Sometimes I see people in the grocery store using that electric cart thing you get to sit on and ride around, and I think "you don't need that, you're just being lazy. Get up and push your cart like the rest of us."

Now, I'm sure some could get up and push the cart like the rest of us, but a lot of them can't... for very long. I shouldn't be so judgmental of them. Even if they are there because they're lazy, it's not detracting from my life.

Maybe I'm just jealous and think "if I have to shove a cart around, so should you." Maybe we want the people around us to get ahead in life, just not ahead of us. :(

[Jennifer]

Good for you. In your previous post, you seemed to make the assumption that your "drug-free" state was your normal personality. But if you look at depression, or any kind of mental illness, really, as a kind of brain mis-firing or mis-wiring, than "you on drugs" is likely to be closer to "the real you."

On a side note, a family member has been on a similar drug for a number of years. At one point, a new prescription somehow interfered with its effects. "It was amazing," she said. "My husband just got so annoying all of a sudden. And when the Zoloft kicked in again, he stopped being annoying." So, not only might the Cymbalta or whatever bring out the "real you," it might also let you notice the best in other people.

[Seaton]

"Fellow Losers"- How come I never hear that from the pulpit? Sure would take the presssure to pretend down a notch or two.

[Craig]

My wife struggles with depression due to a thyroid problem and your previous post and all the comments I read are what I have already heard and I don't know what to say to her at times, let alone you. But this post, I think, nails it...God uses losers, He takes us messed up and all, no matter the problem, no matter the struggle. It's called grace. We have been extended grace so let us extend grace to others and to some degree, ourselves. Yes, I know "should we sin so that God's grace will increase? no way" but we need to press on, asking forgivness constantly,love passionately and take medication if it helps us pursue life.

[Diane]

I'm definitely a Christ believer. I once had a nurse (that went to my church at the time) tell me in the doctor's office that if I put my faith in God I might not need the paxil I was taking for anxiety. I totally believe that God can heal all things, but I also feel that God guided man to make certain medications to help people. I am not currently taking anything, because doctor tried to switch me to something new that didn't work right. I need something because with everything going on in my life I totally feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. Hope I can find the right combination. I'll take any and all prayers! :)

[Kim]

Appreciate your sharing. I often have panicky regrets and urgent obsessive behaviors that I can attribute to many life experiences. I've come to realize that they are what they are and they've molded me to what is uniquely me. My never ending goal is to live in today. While I can't tune out those voices, I have learned to trust God's arms are around me and find peace in the fact that all is really OK, regardless of my quirkiness. Bless you and yours!

[Jimbo]

Powerful pair of posts, Brant (and forgive the unintended alliteration).

I'm a Christian.
I'm also a neuroscientist.
I also struggle with depression and anxiety.

I teach grad students and medical students about brain regions and neurotransmitter systems that regulate mood and affect. I study these things in my research lab. Then I go home at night, go to bed and wake up at 2 am ruminating about something stupid I did or said 3 years ago and obsessing about accumulating deadlines. All of which is to say, I don't know you but I appreciate (on multiple levels) your honesty and openness in sharing about your struggles. We are all fallen, broken people--with all the physical and spiritual manifestations of that unfortunate state. This is not the time for glib applications of scripture, but I pray that through this process II Corinthians 12:9 will take on a newer, deeper meaning for you.

Anyway, I live in South Carolina but I'll be in Boca Raton next week for the annual meeting of the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology (how's that for synchronicity).

I'll look for you on the radio.

[M.E.]

Wow.....I'd like to see "God loves and uses losers" being preached from the pulpit.

Losers like Abraham: who allowed his wife Sarah to be taken away to be someone else's concubine twice.

Losers like Jacob: who stole not only his brother's inheritance, but his blessing as first born.

Losers like Judah: who sold his brother into slavery, lied to and killed a man who wanted to marry his sister Dinah, who would not take care of his family obligations to his widowed daughter-in law Tamar, and who slept with prostitutes.

Losers like King David: who in spite of having several wives already, did nothing to control his lusts and not only took another man's wife and got her pregnant, but engaged in a conspiracy that resulted in the deliberate cold-blooded murder of her husband.

And yet every one of these losers and even more losers are in the direct bloodline of our Lord and Savior.

Astounding, unbelievable, totally bizarre...........and yet undeniably true.

Hallelujiah! Amen!

[Lisa]

Brant, this post was like a lovely breath of fresh air. When I got finished reading, I said, out loud, "Aah! He's BACK!"

Nice to see you again. :)

Which brings me to the serious part of my comment. I'm so glad to read your counselor's thoughts on how the medication actually helps you to "be yourself." This has been a big issue in my family, with the idea constantly surfacing that perhaps to seek treatment for ADD, depression, or whatever, is somehow interfering with who God made you to be. (Especially if you've "always been this way.") I've always had the persistent belief that somehow the person you are able to be when on medication IS the person God made you to be, not the other way around. It's really encouraging to me to hear that belief echoed here in this context. You make it make so much sense. :)

[Kristina]

Fellow losers, God uses us. He uses the weak, the messed-up, the openly failed.
Amen!
and I second M.E. comment!
I used to look at the old test losers and say, 'how could they do that?' but, in fact, we all do what they did and God still uses them and us in a mighty way for His glory.

[Wells]

If using ADs helps you think about yourself less, and pour yourself into others more, then why shouldn't everyone take them?

[Amanda]

I tried to type a reply to your last post but wasn't quite sure how to respond. I've been on Paxil for 8 years, and it really does just allow me to be "the real me."

I would say that the doctor who prescribed you Prozac without requiring accompanying counseling did you a great disservice. After living with the kind of emotional issues that people have with depression, as well as just navigating life for a while, there are going to be things that need to be worked out in counseling, as well as the issues with medication that it sounds like your counselor has helped you to address (and wow! -- he hit the nail on the head, I think), and there's no shame in that.

I'm so glad to read that you are doing well and finding peace. Really -- so glad.

[Ron]

I'm a pastor who at one time foolishly preached the Tom Cruise crap (Oops... A pastor isn't supposed to write that. Oh well.). I actually preached that drivel to God's people.

Then I realized my anger was eating me alive and a good friend suggested Zoloft. I tried it and I liked it. It took the edge off. It made life easier. My wife said, "Thank God for Zoloft."

If a person has high blood pressure, they take medication. If they are a diabetic, they take insulin. What's the difference between those and an anti-depressant? None!

I was off it for a few years and recently I found myself slipping back. So you know what I did? I called a doctor friend and now I take another, different anti-depressant. The only side effect is one I really like (But I won't tell you what it is).

Bottom line. I apologized to the previous congregation. Now I tell people without fear that they might want to consider taking medication if they're having certain kinds of trouble AFTER talking to their physician.

I didn't read the other posts... I'm in a hurry and didn't have that much time. So all of this may have already been written.

Yes... I have Jesus and I have a pill. I thank God for both!

[Mama Hobbit]

Brant,
My husband has been reading your blog for a long time now. Every once in a while, he tips me off to a posting that he knows I will appreciate. (Then I get sucked into reading back ones and enjoying those too.) You have many good, thought-provoking things to say.

So, he comes home for lunch and says I should take a look at the most recent two entries. Now, I'm assuming he's pointed them out because of both of our families struggles and the issues our daughter has had to face - mind-altering medications.

Our young daughter has struggled since she was 3 with a severe anxiety disorder, complicated by an extremely high intellect and ADHD. Our son has autism. Our house is not a still one (except when they sleep). We have done battle in our hearts over the medication issues many times - in fact, rarely a day goes by when I don't second guess our choices - even though she is dramaticaly happier, able to control her behavior, able to pretend play for the first time in her life, more well-adjusted and able to sleep without chronic night-terrors.

As you commented repeatedly about your internal spiritual dialogue - "Shouldn't Jesus be enough?" I kept raising a silent "amen!" That is the same battle that rages in me. Hooray, someone understands!

But then your posts started cutting too close to home. For myself. I come from a family that is shredded by depression/Bi-polar and other issues. For multiple generations. And I've always thought that my brother and i had somehow, miraculously escaped the genes that brought all that on. But I could have written so many of the thoughts in your head. At 15, I was ready to kill myself. Because I felt like such a failure. No matter how perfect I looked from the outside, I couldn't get rid of the obsessive, constant thoughts of how little I was doing for Christ. How much I was failing my parents and those around me. And parenting, along with full-time ministry alongside my husband has only increased those feelings - there are now more people to obsess about not helping enough. Your post left me bawling. I thought meds were only for people who weren't able to function. It never occurred to me that my own thought life might not be exactly balanced.

Thanks for your boldness. Thank you for giving me some stuff to obsess about - I mean "chew on!"

[Doug]

Thanks so much for this and your last post. So encouraging. Have a good time playing guitar with your buddy!

[Heidi Renee]

it's in the cracks that the light shines through. have you read 'wounded healer' by nouwen? changed my life.

[Sandy]

Brant, please oh PLEASE write a book about this. The Body of Christ desperately needs it. And I'll go out on a limb to say that alot of wandering souls who've been burned and/or turned off by mainstream churchianity might just fall into the arms of our Blessed Redeemer.

Sample book title: "I Have Jesus (and a Little Pill)" (posted by Pastor Ron).

[Matt Huisman]

It seems to me that all the meds are doing is allowing you to be biblically better (as opposed to being a loopy form of escapism).

So let's review: 1) you're asking the proper questions to make sure you're not abusing meds; 2) the meds exist to remedy situations such as this; 3) you're only taking them because you've tried on your own and know you can't make the change by yourself.

ALL of us will have things we can't outwork, outlove, outbelieve. The world has been designed to do this to each of us. We're arrogant if we think that we can.

I don't take meds myself, but it seems to me that your doing so here (assuming proper supervision) is not an act of usurping God's authority - it is laying aside the pride that won't accept the help that has been provided.

Thank you for sharing your story. Much respect.