Is Jesus Enough?

(Thanks for the VERY kind comments and emails regarding my little hiatus.  I'm doing okay these days.  I was able to take time off from work and go into a cave, essentially.  It was much-needed. 

I'd been thinking of writing about my little drug habit for some time, and I took the opportunity last week.  I was feeling especially depleted when I wrote this;  please forgive me if it's needlessly depressing.  I think some can relate to it.  Please also forgive the length.  If uninterested, don't read it.  You are excused.  This was written when I was particularly down.

I talked about this -- my struggle -- on the air this week, by the way.  I'm glad I did, save for some of the response:  "Well, you don't have enough faith, and..."  "You're not living in Victory, brother..." and "You are giving in to a Satanic attack, and..."

Well, thanks, there, partner..

Most of the response was VERY appreciative.  "I love that a Christian radio station is actually talking about this, instead of playing pretend, and..." I was glad I did it.  Made for some great, honest radio, too.  And I think the message was largely hopeful.

Honestly?  I'm embarrassed that I take drugs.  But you don't know my past, and I don't know yours, and the fact is, our neurology is dynamic.  It's not a one-way street:  Our decisions are shaped by our physiology, and our physiology is shaped by our experience.  And -- duh -- we can't control our past experience.

My life was blessed before I started with the drugs.  My marriage was outstanding, I was a good employee, had career "success", and I believe God used me. 

But now? Now, I can rest.  That's all I know.  Lord have mercy on me, and I hope you do, too.  Mostly, please know, if you take Prozac or something -- I understand you.)

-----------------------------

My name is Brant, and I'm on mind-altering drugs.

And that is both the best first line, ever, on this blog, and -- distressingly --it's also quite true.

Fluoxetine, to be exact.  20 mg a day.  It's for my brain, which isn't normal.  Or, perhaps it's very normal, given the millions currently taking fluoxetine, or its name-brand equivalent, Prozac.  I've been taking fluoxetine for the past year

(That last sentence was interrupted.  I'm sitting at Panera, and a guy came up and said, "Brant, I love you.  Awesome.  I love you."  I don't know who he is.  I'm not kidding.  Thus is small-time celebrity.  You'd think that would help the ego.)

As I was saying, it's been a year.  And there hasn't been a day I haven't struggled with the fact that I'm messing with my brain.  And there hasn't been a day I've been as viciously angry at myself as I had been in my previous 37 years.  Truth is, I suspect I was angry at myself when I was lying in a neo-natal unit.  My guess:  I heard the cries of other babies, and wondered why I was failing to help.

I remember sitting next a woman, and sobbing.  My life had been wasted.  I'd accomplished nothing, and the sorrow of it all was descending on me.  The vanished years!  I've done nothing! Where did the time go?  Life is too fast, rushing by like a freight train, and I couldn't get on it. 

The woman comforted me, and tried to understand, and I think she did, if only because that's the way moms are.  But she may have wondered how a seven year-old could consider himself an abysmal failure.

I broke down again, years later, in front of my high school English teacher.  Same thing:  I'm a failure, I'd accomplished nothing, I've blown it.  I was a freshman. 

I started taking drugs because of this blog.  I posted about an odd day, when my self-esteem was downright okay.  Weeks later, some very good, and insightful, Christian friends told me they were taking anti-depressants, and I should look into it.  So I did, and within a day -- literally, after a pill -- my mindset was different.

I know it's not supposed to happen that fast, and I can tell you I'm not given to the placebo-effect.  But everything changed.  I wasn't angry.  I was patient.  I thought about myself less.  I didn't consider myself a failure.  I was actually content with my station in life. 

I could take naps, because I wasn't roiling with regret.  I couldn't take naps before!  I'd lie there and think about how I blew it on the air this morning; how I never should have quit talk radio; how I haven't written a book, how I shouldn't have said that one awkward thing five, 10, or 25 years ago;  how I'd wasted whatever intellect I'd been given; how I'd failed to provide a yard for my kids to play in; how I should've gone another way.

A few years ago, I took the LSAT.  Despite being, in so many ways, a doofus, I wrote a top 1% score, and got full-ride scholarships to some top law schools.  Then I realized, following law school, I'd be absent from my family for a few years, so I passed, and opted for a more family-friendly arrangement.  My brain and I decided to retire here in South Florida.

Regrets?  I've had a few.  Actually, probably no more than anyone else, but even good decisions -- like opting for family time over intellectual fulfillment and big money -- can play into regret.  I'd blown it again! Wasted whatever potential I had -- again!  No, it's not rational.  But none of this is.  And it was self-absorption, too, which gave me something else to feel failed about.

But I take a little pill, once a day, and wham -- I can think about other people.  I think I'm okay.  I can sit and relax and fall asleep.  I can be on the air, do something stupid -- and move on.  Happens to the best of 'em, you know?  One little pill, and I'm a better person.

And that, friend, is the disturbing thing.  As a Christian, I'm uncomfortable with purely mechanistic explanations for our behavior.  Friends say, "What's the struggle?  Taking this pill is just like taking Tylenol for an ache."  But no.  No, it's not.  I take this pill, and I'm morally better.  I'm not kidding. 

Think about it:  They tell addicts about "HALT".  Watch out, they say, when you're Hurt, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.  That's when you'll be most apt to succumb to temptation, to be given to weakness, to engage in behavior and thoughts you know you don't want to do or entertain.  Look out when you're Hurt.  Angry.  Lonely.  Tired.

Imagine taking a pill and, suddenly, you're not hurt, or angry, or lonely, or tired.  You'll be less likely to succumb to temptation.  Your need to retreat into bad habits, addictions, and destructive behavior lessens dramatically.  So you don't -- because of a pill.  You're more patient with people, more loving, more joyful, more peaceful;  less likely to argue, less bitter, less angry, less selfish.

That ain't Tylenol, folks.  That's messing with who you are. 

Ironically, in my euphoria about being, at last, "released from myself" -- I felt like my head had cooled off, my mind had stopped over-heating after 37 years -- I was a bit angry about one thing:  I was wondering, "So -- is THIS how it's been for everyone else?  'Normal' people feel this way?  They don't constantly berate themselves?  They can simply enjoy a sunny day?"

I began to understand simple contentment, simple delight, simple patience, and I'm telling you, it's not fair.  All my life I had to put up with that melancholia?  And other people could be happy?  No fair.   This is how other people see the world? 

And it's easier now, for me to be a moral, other-centered person, content to listen to someone else without worrying about my failed self?  This is how other people have it? 

How does God judge people?   Did He judge me differently, because of my brain chemistry, so easily altered?  If I had more seratonin, sooner, I would've been happier, more content, less apt to "sin".  The debate over mind/body interaction, the physical and the spiritual, is an ancient one. 

But now I go to CVS, stand in line for a moment, and I'm handed the whole of the issue in a little brown bottle. 

This ain't Tylenol. 

I'm anti-drugs, by the way.  I just use them.  Believe me, a fair-minded person cannot easily dismiss marijuana use while popping 20 mg of fluoxetine every day.  It's just not a simple issue.  Yes, one's legal, the other's not, but that rather begs a question, doesn't it?  I'm not pro-legalization.  I've argued with those groups before on the radio.  Let's just say I know how I'd argue with me now. 

My new sticker idea would cover the whole bumper:  "Just say no, and yes, but mostly no, but kind of yes, for me."

Ever read Flowers for Algernon?  I did, and I've been thinking about that little mouse a lot, lately.  For some reason, I've been growing depressed these last days.  I've wondered about the efficacy of the pills, and sure enough, for a third of users, Prozac wears off in a year or so.  As I say, it's been a year or so.

I don't want to go back.  As you can tell, I struggle with this.  I struggle with treating a melancholy, critical  personality as though it were aberrant, and the shiny, happy, faces were the ideal.  I struggle with wondering if I won't produce that something, that I-don't-know-what, that I would have were I not medicated.  (I'm no Mozart, but would W.A.M. have been placed on meds, were the opportunity there?  Certainly so, and then what would he have given us?)

I struggle, but please -- I don't want to go back.  It may not be me, but I like the new guy better.  He thinks of other people more, has more time for them, and can enjoy the sun and the sand, and, while his brain is atrophying on the beach, he at least isn't angry about it.

I don't want to go back.

Is Jesus enough?

Of course He is.

Of course He is, and I also have some other things.  I live in Margaritaville, literally under the shade of a lush, tall palm tree.  I have a convertible, too, and a surfboard, though I can't drive or surf well. 

I have Jesus, Who is enough, and I have what, apparently, pretty much everyone wants:  A beautiful, smart, funny wife, and beautiful, smart, funny kids.  And good health -- I can run for many miles.  And hair.  And I have Jesus.

I'm a ridiculously fortunate white male in the richest area of the most materially-successful culture in man's history.  I have a family-friendly job with a great boss.  I don't ever shave.  I have a loving, adventurous church community, loaded with friends.  I have a well-behaved, if poorly-balanced, three-legged beagle.  I have a Taylor and a Martin.  And I have Jesus, too.

I talk gooder than most.  I get to travel the world.  I get to help children in poverty-stricken nations.  I live next door to the spring training stadium of my most beloved sports team, and occasionally even do P.A. for them.  I sign hundreds of autographs.  I have cool shoes.  Oh -- and Jesus, too.

I've got peace in my home.  So much so, in fact, that I rarely discuss it, for fear of making people gag reactively. I've got good credit, and no debt.  How about that?  I've got that, along with Jesus.

He's my "All in All", and "all I want", and "all I need", and "everything I ever wanted", and in case I should forget, I sing the words frequently.  Jesus is all I need.

Except, apparently, for these little pills.

Tie that one into a bow.

Comments

[Marie]

What do you think about the idea that it is ok to be angry, to not relax much, to not be able to nap, to be impatient?

I don't know if I'm asking clearly, but is it normal for us to be happy and relaxed all the time?

Maybe some of the struggle you have is because you are feeling cheated of a happy, well-adjusted "normal" when that's not really normal?

I don't know, but I am interested in knowing. It's like when we are depressed. Maybe it is ok to be sad. Maybe it would be inappropriate to be all well-adjusted and contented all the time. There is a lot of sin in this world (ours and others'). Shouldn't it bother us?

[John Santic]

Brant, thank you for your openness and honesty with this lil ole community online that appreciates every word from you...

I can relate to your conundrum, although from a more elicit perspective. I won't be tempted to be Job's friend here, just know that you are in my prayers and that the Lord is good and his love endures forever.

[Greg Allen]

That's about the best thing I've read all day.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of it.

Thanks for letting us in on it, though.

-G

[Julie]

**do not post**
wow - thank you so much for sharing - I don't know how to encourage you, or even if you need encouraged or what to say other than thank you for your honesty and for being you...

[Monica Battaile]

It's like I tell my friends who are also on happy pills - if you need a pill or two to make it through your day, then do the rest of us a favor and make dang sure you take it!! That way at least one of us will be in a good mood...

(These same friends also mock me for my inappropriate laughter during tragedies and crises...)

[Jim]

What a powerful, honest post. Thanks for that.

I personally have wrestled with depression most of my life - to the point of suicide until my mid-20s, when I was almost successful and "scared myself straight"...of attempting suicide. That didn't make the bouts of depression go away. however. I've tried therapy, meds, and various forms of "self-medication". So I certainly don't judge you on this issue in any way, shape or form.

To anyone that says that Jesus should be enough, they're right. But how do they know that He wasn't the great physician who not only brought you to being at this particular time and place, but also led you to a medication that could help? That doesn't mean quit poking and questioning at it - you should be no more complacent about your meds than about any other part of life. God seems to put up with almost anything except complacency. But perhaps, just perhaps, you are on meds now because you are supposed to be. So let the guilt from that drop and enjoy the respite. I hope for your sake the meds aren't losing their efficacy.

No great words of advice here - anyone who has easy words about depression hasn't been there.

[sharla]

I felt like a complete spiritual failure when I prescribed my antidepressant. Fortunately for me, I have a strong Believer for a doctor and he took me by the shoulders and said the following:
"Sharla, why do you not question taking medication for your thyroid because it's not functioning properly? Do you feel like a spiritual loser? Good, we all do. Now take your meds and come back in 3 weeks and tell me how much better life is." You know what? I did and it was.

THEN, this past summer, I had a wonderful email conversation with someone who is incredibly wise say to me, "Why wouldn't you WANT to take something that will help you to love those around you better?" ---I believe it was your wife who said those much needed words and the most incredible time.

Anyway, I guess I'm just commenting to let you know that I understand the feeling. Darin and I both do. And heck, given our back grounds, its amazing we're not all on Illegal drugs.

Love you!
Your Sister in Law!

[Jeannie]

I have Jesus too.
And have been depressed since puberty.
I am against drugs too.
But my daughter was depressed since puberty for many of the same reasons as I had. None of us really knows what anyone else has been through - and none of us react the same way. Some spew it out on everyone else and some take it all in.
My daughter took the drugs but was never comfortable because she too wasn't really herself. Getting off was hell. And then recently the depression came back - she'd been hit by a car and had to move back home. I bought some 5HTP - a "natural" seratonin booster...and we both have been taking them and feel better. Wish I'd known or could have taken them say...30 years ago.
About time the church stopped jumping on people who aren't perfect and need a little help.

[Greg]

i just read your post to my wife, who said "i think you need prozac".

yes, Jesus is enough and thankfully He has given us bright people to help replace what the enemy has stolen. our son has diabetes and could not live without synthetic insulin. i thank the Father everyday that smart people were able to make something that can give him back what the enemy took from him.

i am thankful He has done that for you and me and all the rest of us blessed folks.

thanks for being honest.

[Dr Fin]

Two questions: when did you write this and are you still in this same place?

One comment: thanks for being open and honest.

[euphrony]

I'm glad the retreat from the blog-world was a good one. As you seem to know well, sometimes we're so busy thinking about what to talk about that we don't, uh, think at all - mostly we don't think about ourselves and who we are and want to be.

As to the meds - hard questions to answer. I've asked them myself, as has my wife who has a slight tendency toward depression. Change ourselves, or be changed. And that is one one small dimension of the discussion. I remember Flowers for Algernon fairly well, and the lessons from the story. Good comparison.

I don't know where you are going with yourself and your choices, but I'll be praying for you.

[Seaton]

Dude,
I knew you and I were alike. I understand exactly where you're coming from. I've got a Taylor too.

Still praying for you and your family, and now for little white pills to work, and real shalom.

[George C]

Hey Brant,

Jesus sort of isn't enough. He is the source of all good things and so in a sense having Him is enough, but He also gives us the stuff to enjoy and be satisfied. He never, even in heaven, just gives us Himself, but rather gives us more of Him and more great stuff. Idolatry is turning from Him to get the stuff through a wrong means or not being willing to give up our stuff for Him on occasions when it is necessary or even just the best thing to do.

Both my wife and one of my best friends are on antidepresants (they actually started taking them BEFORE meeting me, thank you very much). I've been around both of them when their meds aren't quite working, and honestly if I really loved them, I would have at least seriously considered putting them down. It gets ugly.

I don't like meds in general (although I am totally for the decriminalization of them across the board) and have wrestled through this subject numerous times with both of my wife and friend. Ideally they would both be able to get off of them and we have and will continue to try and find alternative method, but until then....

It is not a good or normal thing that people have to take these kinds of meds, but that is the way it is. We're messed up people in a messed up world and MANY things seem to be decisions of the lessor of "evils".

In the long run it is Jesus' problem that you take meds. he could fix you if He wants to.

I think it would be selfish for you to willingly let yourself turn back to the way you were. Of course you benefit from the meds, but it sounds like everyone else does as well. No one can prove through the scriptures that you are sinning, so unless God has given you the inside scoop there is no reason to feel like you are.

I act like a better Christian when I get enough sex, food, sleep, exercise, ect. I have to try and push through when I am denied any of those things for too long, but I am not going to purposely go without any of these things just because I supposedly should be able to be like Jesus without any helps.

If it was a sin I would say to just suck it up and be a miserable whatever, but there is no reason that I can see to believe it is a sin. Ultimately you must settle if it is a sin and act accordingly.

I understand your concerns and they are totally valid, but could part of your problem with this be that this puts you in the position where you are not meeting your ultimate Christian potential? I mean, ideally you SHOULD be able to love yourself, God, and everyone else properly while being flogged, but you can't really seem to do it too well without meds and a pretty good life.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but maybe you're just so broken that you can't live well without the help of the meds and that is a thing you just have to live with.

This is already too long bro, but I really do feel for you and want to help. I know you have a ton of friends, but if you for some perverse reason think it might help to talk to me some more, then just drop me a line and I'll give you my number.

Also I will be in Orlando from th 29th of December to the 5th of January. if you happen to be anywhere near there let me know maybe we could jam or I could at least get your autograph.

[Patch]

That's cool! That's a cool blog entry. For some reason I'm thinking I shouldn't be entertained by your introspective story of pain and conflict, but I am.

The only reason these pills become an issue is when people depend on them for normalcy. The intent is to balance the chemicals so one can work on the other issues in their life. Maybe it's the childhood memories. It's easier to deal with those when your seratonin re-uptake is inhibited a bit.

I know you do that... so you're good!

[tonia]

I am deeply appreciative for your writing here. I can't tell you the times you've made my husband and I laugh, smile, nod our heads and thank the Lord that somewhere out there someone else is thinking the same crazy things we are.

Thank you for your transparency in this post, as in all the others. Our family will be praying for you, that His joy will fill your heart and mind - drugs or no drugs. *smile*

God bless.

[Lisa]

Wow. Just wow. Thank you for sharing this. I hear your struggle because I've had that same conversation with myself countless times since I started taking Effexor for the same reasons you describe.

Now I realize that it runs in my family...my mother and uncle committed suicide and my father's family holds psychosis and schizophrenia. But I still blamed myself for needing this to get through a day. When I confessed this openly, I heard from MANY Christian friends who quietly shared they were also taking Prozac, and I heard from just as many who believed that I was sinning and "not walking in victory."

Then my young daughter began showing the exact anxiety symptoms I had as a child...I mean, EXACTLY. And the other daughter wasn't experiencing these problems at all. I started to actually forgive myself because I see that it's not her fault. She doesn't understand any of the spiritual arguments. Yes, I pray for her. Yes, I give her Scripture to help her through her worst panic attacks. But if the day comes when she wants to take medicine to help her, so be it.

When that day comes, can I really tell my daughter that she's failed because Jesus isn't enough? You're in my prayers.

Thank you.

[cybil]

Brant, when you look at the history of the world, all of the great geniuses have had your personality! They were all creative, analytical,introspective,passionate perfectionists: Davinci, Michaelangelo, Hemingway, etc etc. Their strengths, which allowed them to look into their selves and into the human condition and reflect it back through beautiful art or literature or music, was also destructive. I mean seriously, name one 'genius' of history who in the end wasn't a drunk or depressed or addicted in some way...

Why is it that way? Good question for God. Some people just feel life deeper. They understand it more, so they feel it more. It is like a burden that is almost too heavy to bear. Too many thoughts, too many feelings, too much for one person. What was inside of them had to flow out or it would kill them. Thank God you blog, or you might have exploded by now!

But still, even when they got it out, there was still more left inside. More than a human knows how to deal with, so they turned to alcohol or something else to dim that. To quiet the 'voices' of their inner world.

I understand why you would feel like you were 'messing with who you are'. It's weird, even though we know Christ is everything, while we are here on earth sometimes we just have to do what we can to survive. This is a fallen world, do we have to wait for heaven to be truly and completely satisfied by God? I only speak for myself when I say, yes, but I suspect others might feel that way too. Its like we know it is true, that he is everything, but we are unable to make the complete connection. There is static on the line.

I just have to trust that the gospel is true and that there is nothing I can do or say (or not do or say) to be loved any more or any less. When I really lay hold of the gospel, then all of the guilt passes away, all of the striving ends, and I can just be: mood altering drugs or not, I am loved and forgiven.

I am very happy for you that you have been able to experience a year of peace. I hope the pills will kick back in for your sake and for everyone around you! sorry for the scattered comment, I am sick as a dog. It was supposed to be supportive. If it isn't, then I will berate myself for the next two weeks in your honor.

[Anne]

I know what you mean-I have a perfect life with an ideal husband who loves me, 2 excellent and gorgeous kids, a job that I would do for free but that I make a lot of money at anyway, a really cool church, and I've got Jesus.

I've got Jesus all over. He's everything to me-and I, like you, enjoy my shoes.

And I've got Lexapro, a newer cousin of Prozac. Because in addition to all of what I've got, I have a crazy past that left me with horrific panic attacks that nearly drove me nutty a year or 2 ago during the infancy of my son. Lexapro let me be able to live my life and enjoy who I am and what I have been blessed with. And frankly, I consider it and going on about 15 years of on-and-off therapy with Christian counsellors blessings straight from God Himself. Saving me from what I could have been if it wasn't for Him.

Maybe that makes me not as strong in faith as some. Or maybe it makes me stronger, because "there but for the grace of God go I" rings in my head every time I am in contact with my brothers and sisters, who unfortunately share my past but have declined to share my Jesus. I don't know, but I will tell you what-I'm not giving up my Lexapro.

[Trey]

Wow, that was some comeback from your hiatus. I can't imagine what you're going through/have been through, Brant.

It's kinda funny, but I actually envy you sometimes. And little do we ever know what's truly brewing below the surface in a person's life, who seems to be doing great things and so blessed with talent, friends, family, and all that stuff.

Your post took nothing away, but only reminded me why I come here in the first place: because it's honest. You never try to sugar-coat anything. There's a genuineness that's hard to find elsewhere.

Thanks for sharing. And I think you have the right conclusion: Jesus is Everything. But it does seem hard to reconcile with all the fear and pain in life sometimes when you find yourself in the thick of it. I find myself there very often as well. I'll be praying for you, man.

[Joel]

Thanks for the refreshing honesty. I am glad to know someone else struggles with this issue. I don't know the answer, though.

It hit me a couple of months ago. I noticed one morning driving to work that I was depressed, pessimistic, and feeling completely disconnected from God. I prayed but still felt miserable.

The next day, driving along the same stretch of road I realized I felt happy, bubbling with joy in fact. I felt really close to God, like His hand was upon me and all was right in the world. Then it hit me. The only difference between the two days was ... coffee. The disconnected day I'd gone without it, the connected day I drank my usual large mug full.

My co-workers thought my liquid spirituality was amusing. It spawned inner turmoil within me. It's not Prozac, but it's the same concept. Is my spirituality a product of the Holy Spirit or the right combination of chemicals? I don't know. But I'm still drinking coffee.

[Uncle Mikey]

I want to say first, that your post is one the few that have been real and straight forward about your issue/nonissue. I found the later part of this post to be intriging to extent of how much or to what end does Jesus become our all in all. It is clearly that most people need aides in this fallen world to allow them to function within life on a day to day basis. And others just use crutches for mere pleasure to allow them to feel the way they think they should, but in acutal living there is no need for such crutches. Thank you for bringing up this question if Jesus is our all in all, how is it then we might need to depend on other factors to enable us to survie a normal day of serving Him.

[Daniel]

I agree. It is a tough decision, because somehow it concerns who you are. The pill alters something we percieve as "us". Then again, it turns us into better us... And if other people have something in their cocktail naturally that I lack, is it wrong to add that chemically? Isn't it somewhat like adding, say, a prostaetic leg?
i suffered horrible depressions for 20 years. As for you, my situation changed over night. I fell asleep depressed and woke up free. I'm not going give that up because it might hurt some religious peoples sensitive feeling that God should be sufficent. One of the guys telling me that wore glasses...

[shaun]

WOW Man,
I don't know what to say . But I think you are pretty cool and I think that Jesus is enough.
Peace be with you Brother,
Shaun

[abmo]

Hi Bryant,

I am not in the same boat as you are, therefore I'm not sure if I can leave a helpful comment, but here goes.

Jesus is enough. Even for assholes like me. Thing is, what we do/are does not affect Who He is. Funny how we always think that He is like us. That He is as fickle as us.

Does He love you? Does He like you? Is it enough that He loves you? or should you leave the pills....then He will love you more? Should you be the model son? When you "waste", does He love you less? Would you understand, help and love a friend if he/she had this problem? Will you show the same generosity towards yourself?

I have a friend who was in a car accident. Both legs crushed. Took about 10 years to walk again. In that time, he drank painkillers, used a wheelchair, used crutches and had lots of people that he depended on. Lots of times he got depressed and drank a lot of liquor. He depended on a lot of things and people to get him through. But during those 10 years and now afterwards, Jesus was and is enough. The same with you and me. You need lots of stuff and people to get through. You need your wife, children, friends, job, pills and the adoring fans....:-) This is how your journey looks. And in this journey, Jesus is enough.

I'll pray that the day will come when you don't need the pills, but more than that, the day will come when you realise that you are loved even if you look like crap....:-)

thanks for sharing