Make sure you get all atwitter about it. Satan took over October 31st, previously known as a day created by God, and now he owns it. He also owns pumpkins, kids going to neighbor's doors, and -- sadly -- fun-size candy.
"Fun-size"? Sin-size, folks.
Of course, you could use the occasion to tell your kids about redemption, how God "buys us back", even after we've been soiled, ruined, broken, or misused. Or, you could just freak them out.
You see: Halloween has pagan roots. Yep. This is why you should have nothing to do with it. It really does. If you really researched it, you'd see Halloween is pagan. Did you know that? Seriously. You should not be like pagans.
...and this is why you should also swear off tea. Tea was made to be imbibed by Buddhists, and that, obviously, immediately brings to mind two things, 1) you should swear off Nestea, because it's rooted in pagan religious ritual, and 2) "Imbibed by Buddhists" is a totally killer name for the K.S.'s next band.
And swear off some kinds of stretching. Not all, just the yoga ones. And martial-arts. And the theater.
And Thursday, which is named for Thor, Norse God of Scary Something-or-Other, or Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday, or Sunday, or Friday, named after Frigg, Goddess of Fertility, and With a Name Like "Frigg", She Must've Been Hott.
And Saturday, too, which as I've noted, is rooted in paganism. "Saturn" is the Roman equivalent of the Greek god "Cronus", who, besides being a lovable prankster, ate his kids.
And get thee and thy Saturn GL Wagon behind me. (GL. Hmmm. "GodLess" starts with G.L. Draw your own conclusions.)
June is right out. "Juno" is "Hera", and Hera was a goddess who -- and I've researched this in-depth -- probably killed somebody or called down lightning on Troy or at least cut in line or something. Count on it.
And the K.S. regrets that marathon he ran. He didn't know about the pagan roots. The early marathons were run as a tribute to Pan, who was a creepy, flute-playing creature, which, as the K.S. thinks about it, kind of sounds like the K.S. But the point is, it was a pagan celebration.
(The K.S. also didn't know he wasn't supposed to judge a chili cook-off the night before his marathon, and he made seven bathroom stops during his run. True story. But that's not the point.)
Anyway, no playing cards, either. No candles and greenery at Christmas, no Christmas trees. But you knew that. Pagan. And pagans aren't Christians.
In fact -- and hang onto your mortarboards, here -- research has recently confirmed that many of the people born before Jesus were not Christians. A disturbingly high percentage were not plugged-in to small groups, either, and almost none volunteered to serve in the nursery without being strong-armed.
These pre-Christians did some pre-Christian stuff. So be consistent, and get rid of all that stuff. Don't just start at giving the K.S. a hard time because his daughter dressed up as a butterfly or an iPod. That's just the beginning.
Oh -- one other thing. Satan doesn't just own Halloween. In fact, the Church of Satan says it's not even their high holiday! You know what a Satanist's high holiday is, each year? Guess.
His birthday. Or her birthday. It's a fact. Ask them.
Maybe it's because Satan doesn't want you to worship him, or even believe in him. No, he wants you to worship yourself. Your life, your problems, your drama, your rules, your beautiful mind, your legalism, your biases, your agenda, your pride, your judgments, your everything.
He wants you, thinking you're in control, saving the world, super-busy, because the Kingdom will fail without you. It's all about you. Happy birthday, you important person, you.
So no more birthdays, no more gift-buying. But let's wait a couple weeks on that. The K.S.'s is October 11th.