Looking for the Right Guy

I'm in this hotel room, with this awesome plasma screen.  And I'm watching the news.  And I'm realizing what I'd forgotten:  Politics is eveything.  All-consuming.  Everything MUST relate to politics, and -- naturally - to the presidential race. 

Everything. 

Always.

So I'm looking for a candidate.  The right one.  I've made a checklist:

Must have executive experience

Must have successful private-sector experience

Must have a presidential temperament

Must believe he can, after he dies, become God of his very own planet

Must have willingness to work hard for the American people

Must believe Native Americans were cursed with red skin because of their sins

Must work well with congressional leaders

Must aspire to celestial heaven located next to, obviously, the star Kolob

Must believe Jesus and Satan are brothers

Must have some cool underwear with freemasonry symbols and stuff

Must believe single guys will eventually die and become, at best, angels with custodial-type tasks, not gods, because they didn't get married

Must at least highly suspect there are human beings living on other planets.  Not just life on other planets -- actual humans

Must believe his wife will eternally -- literally, for all eternity -- be getting pregnant and giving birth to millions of spirit-children, thanks to his celestially virile self

Must refuse to answer questions about personal beliefs, deferring quickly to church leaders of the church that believes itself the only church, and that all other churches are of the Devil

It'd be cool if he was kinda tall

So anyway, I'm looking, if you know anybody.

Comments

[Fay]

Well I'll vote for him because in 1978, God revealed that it was OK to like black people.

[Fay]

Ha ha! I kid. I'm *really* voting for Stephen Colbert.

[Brant]

Fay, in spite of the sins in your past lives, which have rendered you a black person, you are still free to vote for Mitt.

Colbert's campaign is under FEC investigation, since he's sponsored by Doritos. Seriously. I just saw that on the news on my massive plasma screen.

[John Husband]

Grrr Grumble Grumble

I was funny the first 3 or 4 Mormon comments.

I guess I would rather a real Mormon than a fake Christian. There are real reasons one might want to vote for Mitt Romney. Check out my blog www.disorganizedreligion.us. For an entry “Why Christians should vote for a Mormon.”

http://www.disorganizedreligion.us/2007/10/why-christians-should-vote-for-mormon.html

-John

[Brant: Will do! What about "fake Christian vs. real Romulan"? I share your desire not to have a fake anything in the White House.

Mitt, by the way, to the extent that he is a true Mormon, could arguably be easily labeled a "fake Christian."]

[Steve_11]

Oops! I though you were describing Dennis Kucinich!

As a Bible-believing Christian, I have difficulty with the concept of a Mormon president. But I have greater problems with the socially liberal candidates.

Given the choice on the November ballot of Romney v.s Clinton or Obama, I have to go with the future king of his own planet, in his own mind. In part, because he has not by any appearances let his buring bosom-held beliefs detract from his ability to govern the good people of Massachusettes. The same good people who elect John Kerry and Ted Kennedy over and over and over.

Better yet, the primary caucuses are the place to weed out the chaff. I will do my part to promote Duncan Hunter for President of the US of A, despite the major news media's deliberate attempts to pretend he does not exist.

[keith]

Wayne Grudem knows somebody.

[RevJeff]

I was going to run, but I don't meet your criteria and YOUR vote matters so much to me, I'll just hold off for four more years...

[T]

Brant . . . you won't believe this . . . you're in luck!! There is actually such a candidate currently running for president--of the United States!!

Wow. What are the odds with a list like that? Maybe you could help me--I'm looking for a candidate with family connections to a recent president, preferably with the same last name as that former president. I know we just did that with George (W) Bush, but I don't think the world really understands even with his election how much name recognition and soap-opera story lines are a critical qualification for political office, particularly the president. Plus, if we can keep the presidency within just one or two families, the nations of the world--like Cuba or Saudi Arabia for instance--that do things similarly will feel more at home with our leaders.

Keep your eyes and ears open for me, if you would.

[Cherie]

But which of the things on your checklist are the essentials?

[Just Matt]

Ross Perot - although not tall makes up for it in his ears.

[Texas in Africa]

May I have your permission to hand this list out to my Intro to American Government students?

You forgot to mention that he needs to be willing to decide whether or not his wife gets to go to the celestial kingdom.

[Trey]

Are there any middle of the road candidates who aren't extremely Republican or Democratic in their views and loyalties? I'm not sure I can pitch my vote to either party this time around. Any good 3rd, 4th or 17th party candidates out there I could waste my vote on while still maintaining my conscience?

[Topher]

At least he does not believe that rolling around on the floor and babbling like an idiot is a sign of the spirit.

[Brant: Is this a slam on Ted Kennedy?]

[Shawn Bashor]

Hilary?

[Paul 1.0]

You're right, Mitt Romney is a weirdo! I just wish Christopher Hitchens could run for President.

I don't want any of the other "believers" to become President either because they believe in magic, such as:

-The idea that a man can be dead and buried and then come alive in 3 days…

-A flaming shrub that gives spiritual advice

-The belief that human beings can be swallowed whole by whales and live to tell the story

-God can be three Gods all wrapped up into nice little package.

It seems anyone's faith sounds strange to the unbelieving. Sheesh.

[Brant: I was waiting for this. I *do* think you should take deeply held beliefs into account. If they believe in Noah's Ark, take it into account. If they believe we're here without any transcendent purpose at all (Hitchens) take that into account, too.

Romney doesn't own up to his beliefs, though. I'd own up to mine.

But then again, that's reason #14,532 I'm not electable.]

[Todd Hawkins]

(Geez, Brant. The way you put it, Mormonism seems like some kind of like some silly, made-up pseudo-religion!)

Readers, what Brant is trying to say is "Vote for John McCain". Ignore any protests from Brant to the contrary, and any mumbo-jumbo he pulls out about the "Constitution". He doesn't want to come out and say it, but he knows McCain is the man.

What Brant wants to tell us--especially those of us in early-primary states--is that we should support the one candidate with the background and backbone to manage our wars and make the best of a really screwed-up situation. The one with the best chance of beating Hillary Clinton. The one who would prefer to lose the election than pander on immigration or conceal his views on the war in Iraq. The one who will not be crushed by revelations about his tenure as an authoritarian mayor, or his present as a Neo-Con with a my-way-or-the-highway approach that will further alienate our allies and antagonize our enemies. The one candidate who has been consistent in his belief that it was a good thing that the government saved my life in 1966, and a bad thing that it no longer protects the rights of little accidents like me.

SAY IT WITH ME, HANSEN! McCain! McCain! McCain!

[Wolfgang Amadeus M.]

Cricky..

I think we should vote for Herr Haider..

Ohhh(hand over mouth)..that is the Austrian in me coming out.

Watch it with the Freemasons.

Wolfgang A.

[Molly Ranae]

I did not know Glenn Beck was running...

[Brian Mueller]

I like McCain better than Rudy or Mitt...

but what about Mike Huckabee? The man's amazing!

[Carrie K.]

The thing I find the scariest about a Mormon as president is that all Temple Mormoms swear an oath of allegiance to the Mormon Church, and vow to uphold that allegiance even over the Constitution of the United States. Now, I have no problem with someone putting their faith over the Constitution, but not their allegiance to an organized religion who has fingers in so many different business pies.

[Brian]

Anyone for Ron Paul? Anyone? Anyone?

Quite frankly, Huckabee scares me.

[Cherie]

Brian, Huck scares me, too.

[Chad]

I only recently stumbled upon this blog but I couldn't help but respond to this.

I believe it's preferable to have a president who wants to be the future king of his own planet rather than a president who wants to be the future king of our planet.

And for the record I think anyone who wants to be president is crazy anyway. Better for us if that person is at least upfront and honest about it.