You Get the Christian Radio They Deserve

As always,  I speak only for myself here.

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Next time you tune into a Christian CCM station, and wonder, "What planet, exactly, is this 'air personality' from?" please know it's -- amazingly -- Earth.

I know, it's hard to believe.  While he sounds utterly non-human, completely removed from our biosphere, he's actually a bipedal hominid, and, in many ways, like you and me.  He's omnivorous.  With opposable thumbs, he employs "tools" to accomplish tasks.  And, most encouraging, he has verbal skills, forming sentences that a normal human might also form.  He expresses plausibly human "emotions" and reactions to external stimuli.

He's actually pretty cool.

That's when he's off the air, anyway.  When he's on the air -- forget it.  When he's on the air, talking between those songs about how you should "prayerfully consider" going to a concert, about those "video games 'the kids' are into these days", and using only the most obvious humor?  That's not him.  It's not him, because the most vocal listeners just don't want him to be him.  He's been beaten into submission, by Christians immersed American evangelical church culture. 

And these people are getting the Christian radio they demand:  They're not asking for real life.  They want a dose of church culture, on the go.  And the twain may rarely meet.

If he slips up, if he's real, they bombard him with judgment, scriptures that they think he's never heard, suggestions that he should pray about it -- he's never considered that! -- and quick answers to make everything better NOW. 

If he doesn't use "I'm-on-the-team" code language, they call to point it out.  ("I notice you don't say the word 'saved' very much, and I'm concerned that...")  If he acknowledges that he's a sinner, but is specific and present-tense, the phones ring.  Whatever his show was before, it's now "Platitude Open Line", something he didn't encounter when he worked at a mainstream station.

If he makes a spiritual point, one perfectly in keeping with a teaching of Jesus Himself, but doesn't connect the dots for the simplest listener, the phone lines will ring again, with those anxious to connect the dots for him, to end the mercilessness of ambiguity once and for all.   He hears the callers channeling last week's sermon that summed it all up:  The Bible has all the answers, and why don't you read it?

He could be honest.  He could be real.  He could be human.  He could even be smart, engaging, and delightfully quirky.  He could point out the redeeming aspects of a rated PG-13 movie.  He could see all of life, enlivened and entwined with his faith.  But that's not what many church-encultured tune in for.  You get the radio they deserve.

(Please note:  The caller/complainers don't talk that way, either, in real life.  And they saw the movie, too.  But they expect this sort of posturing in Christian contexts, and, by golly, they tuned in for a Christian context.)

So he doesn't bother trying all this stuff.  He keeps it innocuous, uninteresting, over-simplified, obvious, and -- above all -- drenched in specific church culture-talk. 

What he means:  "Please don't call.  I'm on the team, okay?"   

And now the rest of the humans on Earth know, once and for all, loud and clear, at 50,000 watts:  They're not.