Question for Quiet Reflection

Question:

How many 5 year-olds could you fight off, before you were knocked out?

Please, consider.

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Doug asked it of me yesterday.  I debated it at length last night at our church dinner gathering, and then again at lunch today. 

Stipulations: 

1)  The walled arena is the size of an NBA basketball court. 

2)  The kids get one day of training from a martial artist

3)  No holds barred;  they're allowed to bite.

4)  You start in the middle.  Kids are randomly dispersed to begin, and represent cross section of demos, shapes, and sizes.

I say 25-30, tops.  Shawn, former Army rugby player, says "hundreds".  Ragin' Cajun Mike Bourque says, "unlimited", which is patently absurd, in my opinion.  I think you'd get tired, get kicked, double over, and eventually get knocked out. 

They can kick really hard.  I know this for to be a fact.

Please, offer your well-considered opinions.  This is a safe place;  there are no wrong answers here, besides Mike Bourque's. 

Comments

[Brian]

Ummmm, are we still operating in a simulated world?

[Justin West]

A well-placed kick, and it could be less than five.

[Brant]

Exactly, Justin.

That said, I do think I could fend off the well-placed kick, though, just using my pure foot speed in an area that large. Once you've got a couple dozen, though -- there's no easy mobility.

As a current member of our armed services, I would hope that you could take at least 10 five year-olds.

[Pastor Astor]

If I could scream and look as sinister as I can, I think I could get them all to sit down quietly - 5-year-olds still fall for authority-tricks. If I just had to fight them I don´t think I could keep them off for more then a couple of minutes. Just now I realize that my view of 5 year olds are a lot like my view of a band of rabid dogs ...

[Nathanael]

Are we allowed to bite them?

I am insanely ticklish. I HATE it. It's not fun or funny, even though I laugh.
One five-year old that knows that about me could take me.

If they didn't know my secret, maybe 10. I wrestle with my nieces and nephews often, so I know my limits.

[Albert]

Can we use some of the smaller ones as weapons?

[amy]

There are too many variables here.
1. Are they boys or girls? And, if they are girls, are they wearing pigtails?

2. Have they been talking back to me all day? (this would result in a serious increase in my count)

3. Am I "fighting off" or do I get to swing?

[amy]

if i posted nonsense, i'm sorry. don't post it. computer glitch.

[Shawn Bashor]

I thought about this today as I was sticking old people with needles, I stick with my answer. I am not sure how many hundreds, but like I said last night, a five year old is a "one-shoter." Specifically a one-shoter with pretty little effort or energy burned on your side.

So to do this strategically to give yourself maximum "play time," I would start with kicking or kneeing them. This method saves the hands for later and they are just at the right height to knee in the mouth.

[Scott]

Hmmmm. The size of the area isn't a huge advantage as running's not an option. The martial arts training wouldn't help becuase even the next day they wouldn't remember much. Biting's just NASTY. If we're talking about just fighting them off I'm gonna go with ten. They're pretty resiliant. If two each went for a leg and managed to latch on it that would slow me down significantly.

[Zach Nielsen]

I have an almost five year old. I could take 10 easy, but they would wear me out over time... This is the most stimulating thinking I have done all day...

[Doug Hannah]

Your average 5-year-old boy is about 3 and a half feet tall, weighs in the area 45 lbs, and has developed little muscle mass.

I am 39, approximately 5 feet 10 inches tall, tip the scales at an even 250.

Judging on these statistics and what I assume would be a natural ferocity that would spring forth in a moment of physical danger, I estimate that I could beat up seven 5-year-olds before they overtook me. Of course, these would have to be the aforementioned average-sized 5-year-olds. Future linebackers, NBA players, and all Scandinavian children would throw off this equation. On the flip side, if these were some wimpy, four-square-playing, future-jockey 5-year-olds, I imagine the number would skyrocket to anywhere between 12 and 15. It's simple exponential math.

This is also assuming that my opponents are smart enough to organize themselves into a circular attack instead of coming at me one by one. If it were an individual, king-of-the-mountain battle royale, I could endlessly pummel 5-year-olds without mercy. But we're assuming at least a marginal public school education as well as some exposure to kung-fu movies and the aforementioned training, so these kids would form a circle.

However, using my quick wits, I would charge one portion of the circle, landing a devastating blow on the unlucky individual, which would make the others proceed with hesitancy. One on one, I feel like I could deliver a lot of punishment to a 5-year-old. There would be one or two brave ones who would jump on my back, distracting me and thus enabling the others to attack. At best, I could fight off the two heroes on my back and maybe take out four on the ground before I was felled by fatigue and numerous kicks to my groin and shins. This would equal a grand total of seven.

My friend Brant, who stands about 6 feet tall and is stronger than myself, estimates that he could take down 25-30 5-year-olds. I find this hard to believe, but he has been in a fight with people his own age and is a little taller, making groin shots more difficult. Brant's reach is much longer than mine as well, which is a huge advantage. If you can land solid shots from a distance longer than the 5-year-olds' legs, there is no need to worry about groin kicks.

He says he would attack one portion of the circle in a fury, scaring off any would-be heroes who wanted to jump on his back and sacrifice themselves for the group. Then he would deal massive blows until fatigue and the inevitable groin shots brought him to the ground. I told him I'd give him nine or ten, but even for the above-average Brant, taking down 30 5-year-olds seems like a lot.

If it weren't for the law and my own morals, we could put these pressing questions to rest. Alas, these barriers still stand in our way.

I'm a pacifist anyway.

Sincerely,

Dwight S.
"BLOOD ALONE MOVES THE WHEELS OF HISTORY!"

"FOR IT IS TOGETHER THAT WE WILL PREVAIL!"

[ol'abner]

Does that pesky "Thou shalt not kill" command come into play? What about turning the other cheek? In an arena devoid of ethical obligations, I believe I could make an example of two or three and that would be it.

Otherwise, 30 sounds about right.

Good to see you're finally getting down to life's really important questions.

[shaun groves]

Do I get a guitar - acoustic or otherwise. Or a puppet. Can I have a puppet? How about Chee-tos?

Am I issued weapons of any kind?

[Tim]

100. But only if i could use a couple of them as weapons.

[micheal]

Based on the situation described I would say 3 dozen regular children or one of the 5 year olds from my church. I'm am positive that he tried to take me out on his own last week.

The walled arena I'm picturing looks a lot like the raquetball court at my gym. Perfect for spectators.

Would this event be on HBO or OnDemand PPV?

[Brant]

Cable on-demand. Glass walls would be a nice touch.

To clarify: You're allowed to do whatever you need to do to survive.

No, you don't get Cheetos. You get no guitar, and it wouldn't work anyway, because the kids are brainwashed, and will not be cajoled with your Veggie Tunes.

Yes, they are boys and girls.

Yes, you're allowed to bite back.

Yes, the entire duration, they are asking "Why?" and you are answering "Because I said." and they are then asking "WHY because you said?" etc.

[kim]

Can I have toys? Because if I can, I would enter the fight by tossing a couple of transformers into the swarm, and tell them that whoever has it after 2 minutes gets to keep it. That would take care of the boys. For the girls... I'd just wear a Hannah Montana shirt and they'd be eating out of my hand while I tied them up as a group.

So I'm gonna say.... 100, give or take 50.

[Todd Hawkins]

I think anyone who doesn't say " virtually unlimited" is thinking--as I first did--from a purely defensive point-of-view, assuming that harming the youngsters is out-of-bounds. After dropping my (apparently thin) veneer of common decency, I realized that there are several scenarios under which one could make it through quite a crowd fully conscious. Pastor Astor goes part of the way there, but I'll take it farther: an adult on a rampage, running forcefully over moderate distances, then switching course to evade the "pack" effect, could (by trampling alone, if conscience dictates) do serious damage to lots of five-year-olds very quickly. Even assuming that all are highly motivated to attack, seeing a dozen or so bloodied, groaning peers strewn about would make all but the boldest think long and hard about how to proceed. Most would adopt a purely defensive strategy; maybe striking a martial arts pose, but probably something more like running away screaming. They would not have the organizational skills to plot or mount a cooperative effort. Tired from running? Grab a small one by the legs and swing him around as a weapon.
I'm not proud of this, but I think I'm with Mike Bourque. Bring 'em on!

[Shawn Bashor]

Shaun Groves isn't very big Brant. I think he should get a weapon, kind of like a handicap, compared to the rest of the men.

[swordfishBob]

Accordians allowed?

[Michael P. Taylor]

First off, Brant, I want to thank you for having the courage, integrity and authenticity to raise this subject. It's not something that Christians talk about often enough, and it does need to be brought into the open. I think the very rapid accumulation of comments testifies to how very much this was needed.

That said, some of you people on here are PATHETIC. "Five or six"? "Ten"? You people are teh lame. Brant's estimate of 25-30 should be easily attainable: you just have to be ruthless. It's like the way the good guys never use Avada Kedavra in the Harry Potter books: they just stun the Death Eaters, who then wake up rejoin the fight. No way, dude: when fighting either Death Eaters or five-year-olds, you have to play for keeps.

[Pastor Astor]

If they are being inquisitive that changes the whole thing. I would show no mercy. They shouldn't have done that. They started it, and they had it coming. I could keep fighting them back until I stumbled over them - say a layer of three in a circle of 4 meters diameter, each taking up 40 centimeters of periphery space, that would mean ... 1256 cm divided by 40= 31,4 in each layer, coming to a total of 94,2. Of course provided they would have learned to fall neatly into layers in the martial arts class.

[Justin West]

Well, I am a pilot, not a Ranger or Seal. We sit when we do our job. However, the chances of me lasting longer would probably go up considerably if the kids had turbans on.

Wait, is that appropriate?

[Albert]

Given no weapons, no food and no defensible position I would be at a distinct disadvantage. However, utilizing a comprehensive knowledge of Bear Grylls' Man vs. Wild (Child) survival techniques I would fashion a set of nunchucks from the small Henderson twins, tying their pig tails together and swinging them about my head....I figure I could take out three or four dozen before I needed to search the pockets of those already down for old gummie bears for a quick burst of energy....