(This, again, is directed at no one in particular, but it is written for the male mind. Women aren't going to like this one bit, even though it's true for them, too. So please don't read it. Thank you.)
The Sage is writing a diet book. It's fresh, new, life-giving, revolutionary, and based on cutting-edge research about how to live a healthy, trim lifestyle. It's called, Quit Eating Crap and Move Around.
You can actually do this. In my chapter called "Don't Eat Corn Chips", I'll outline a step-by-step approach to not eating chips:
1. Don't eat corn chips.
If you do eat chips, or pie, or fries, or candy bars, or drink Coke, or whatever, and don't exercise, don't turn around and tell the Sage you can't figure out why you're getting fat. Breaking science news, folks, start the ticker: ....soda...makes...you...fat...details...upcoming....
"But it's not that simple, and it's not a matter of will-power, and..."
Uh-huh. Why, just today, I slipped up and ordered fries. Woops! Who saw that coming? I accidentally ordered fries, and had them delivered to me! Yesterday, I accidentally got a grocery cart, went to the chip aisle, selected my favorite chips, put them in my cart, carried to the car, drove to the house, loaded half the bag into my face, and then accidentally used a Chip Clip(TM) to save a few for later. Wups.
If you consume more calories than you expend, you will gain weight. It's not complex. Slow metabolism? Yeah, the Krusty Sage has one, too. So the Sage moves around and doesn't eat Big Macs.
If you eat a bunch of chemical crap, your body will be built of chemical crap. The K-to-the-S hates broccoli, but he's not three years old, and can choke it down without too much wailing. Give it a try!
Weird thing: You start eating the stuff, it gets easier. You stop drinking Pepsi, and then come back to it? Makes you queasy. Why? It's full of complete garbage.
And Diet Coke makes you hungrier, and eats your brain. Here's an idea: Water. Tap water, even. Oooh...scary! What are we, peasants? Tap water?
Our culture is food-sick. So sick you're not even supposed to talk about it without using therapy terms. Everybody goes, sequentially, for stupid fad diets, one no-carbs/all-carbs/all-protein/all-grapefruit/blah blah blah/piece of avoidance after another.
Move around. We're made to walk 10,000 steps a day. So do it, or don't wonder why you're putting on so much weight. Your genetics do not stop you from exercising, and do not make you pull over at Krispy Kreme.
The Sage loves it when some guy says, "Yeah, I wish I could eat whatever I want like you and not get fat." Loves it...as he chokes down his broccoli, and spends a stupid hour every day lifting dumb weights and running down the street like an sweaty idiot.
It's not genetics. The rest of the planet does not have radically different genes. They are, however, getting fatter as they eat like us. Figure it.
Yes, there are worse things in the world than being overweight. We've all got our problems, and frankly, K.S. doesn't care if you're overweight. C'est la vie. But -- sorry, expert culture -- it ain't a mystery.
Quit eating crap and move around.
