The only true currency in this bankrupt world … is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.
To that end, I give you a Top Five List: Reasons I'm Profoundly Uncool.
I could go well beyond five, of course, but I'm hoping you'll play along. It occurs to me now, having already written the below, that I neglected to mention that I play the flute, once thought I was cool for wearing a bandana around my ankle, own a minivan, and last week tripped and fell, for no apparent reason, while jogging.
Friends, I recently broke my pinkie, which prevented me from playing my accordion. That sentence -- I shudder at the sentence I just typed -- should suffice. But here you go:
1. I do stuff like this.
2. I've got this, and it's very pronounced. I was born with it, and frankly, it's made me somewhat shy in person. To compensate for the condition, which causes pronounced eye movement, my head moves involuntarily. The compensatory head movement has creeped people out my entire life, but I can't control it, and it allows me to do fun things including, but not limited to, seeing straight.
How severe is it? I went to the University of Illinois on a full-ride scholarship for the handicapped, or disabled, or however it's to be put. Only once have I met someone with the same condition, with the same severity, and he was defined by it. Couldn't play sports, couldn't drive, and he continually made reference to his, and by extension my, freakishness.
I read in wikipedia that one actor has the condition. And it says, quoting here, "A typical adjective used describe the appearance of actor Pruitt Taylor Vince's nystagmus is 'creepy'."
I tend to forget about it -- but not for long. I'm snapped out of forgetfulness, quickly, when the gas station clerk says, "Yeah? And you're problem is...?" or the grocery store lady says, "What's the matter with YOU?" because I'm unwittingly shaking my head "no". This happens all the time.
I've grown up trying to get in and out of social situations without much eye contact, and I enjoy not being seen. This may explain why I'm in radio.
But I didn't let it stop me from playing sports, which leads me to...
3. I never got a hit in eight years of organized baseball. Eight...years. And no hits. I batted 0 for holy-crap-I-don't-even-want-to-think-about-it.
I did hit the ball once. Once. Some kid caught it for an out. It was a blazing fastball, too. I'll never forget that pitcher. The pitcher's name was Tricia.
I played basketball, too. I got off the bench long enough to take one shot, total, in my career.
It went backward.
4. I go to other hemispheres to help the afflicted, apparently through Komedy like this.
5. In high school, I was the president of the Illinois Student Librarians Association. You will not find it on the net, because, after 80 years of thriving, it voted to dissolve under my leadership.
We had two annual conventions: The "Fall Convention" was to plan the "Spring Convention." The "Spring Convention", however, was to plan for the "Fall Convention."
Also true: We played Dewey Decimal bingo.