First, I want to be attracted by a glossy mailer.
From there, I want to be welcomed, gently, at an Enjoy Level Event, targeted at my kids, where I'm given a non-threatening introduction to the grassy area precariously close to the church's building. I want to then be made aware of the church's Sunday Event.
At that Event, I want to be met, where I live, emotionally-speaking, by the Worship Ministry. I want to be engaged by music that speaks to my generation, and an array of video images that assure me that faith is relevant in today's culture -- my culture. I want a guy to teach me the Seven Ways I Should Be Doing Something-or-Other in My Marriage. I don't want eight ways. I want Seven.
I do NOT want, at that point, for the Small Groups Ministry Team to step in, and make me aware of Small Groups that I can be involved in. No -- that should wait, until I sign up for an Introductory Class that explains the overall vision.
I want this vision expressed in a flow chart. I want to know how I can move through this flow chart, and move from Crowd Level, to Committed Level, and then, ultimately, to Core Level.
I want to find out how I can fit into the leader's overall vision, and become a cog in the dream that he was given for this very dynamic, growing area. I want to be shown a chart with a crowd of stick figures at the bottom, and I want to yearn to be one of those stick figures.
It's at this point -- yes, now -- I want to be placed in a contrived Small Group of people I've never really known before. I then wish to have administered to me a battery of Spiritual Gifts tests. I want these tests evaluated by an outside firm. When these tests reveal that I am gifted for leadership and preaching, I want to then be assigned to nursery duty every third Sunday of the month.
It's precisely then that I hope to submit to criminal background checks, and have my social security number run through databases of various local authorities. If they clear, I will be at the Committed Level.
I want my ear tagged, and my tail docked. I want to be inoculated by a visiting veterinarian every six weeks, and my mouth periodically checked for infection. I want a steady diet of #2 corn meal, enriched with fattening agents.
I want nobody to get hurt. I want to be unknown.